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So, I discovered yesterday that I enjoy figging. 

Sir and I were skyping and I wanted to do something exciting and special for him. I hesitated at first, because I usually hate pain play, but I had the ginger root and I couldn’t hide the fact that I was a little curious. With clothespins on my nipples, I carefully exposed a little bit of the ginger and let him direct me.

He had me rub it onto my labia first. I was disappointed when the sting came on only mildly, but suddenly the burning swung into full effect. I felt like I was glowing. I usually hate pain, but this was absolutely amazing. I really, really liked it.

He directed me to rub it all over the hood of my clitoris before pushing the hood back and getting some on my clit. After a little experimenting, I discovered I really enjoyed carving out a little groove into the ginger with my nail and situating the groove over my clit. That was totally intense and really awesome.

I went off to my evening plans with my pussy still soaked and tingling, considering that maybe I’d found my favorite pain. 

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Halfway There, Part Six

Disclaimer: The content of this particular post includes some pretty harsh treatment. Please keep in mind that I had safe words – “yellow” for slow down or do less, “red” for stop. The things I did were done willingly and enthusiastically, even when I demonstrated reluctant or fearful behavior. I could always stop what was happening to me. 

Flint had Lida climb off of my face and applied a pair of wooden clothespins to my nipples. I sucked in a deep breath, trying to keep my composure with them on while he beat me with all manner of things, some familiar and some looking like the antennae that used to be on top of a car in the 90s.

“They really hurt,” I finally admitted.

Flint gave me a look of ‘well, yeah’ before he leaned down and flicked one of the clothespins. I winced hard. “You want them off, then?”

I nodded frantically. “Please, please. It hurts too much. Please.” I continued to beg, my eyes pleading, my body squirming under the pain of the clothespins squeezing my nipples. 

“All right, let’s get them off,” Flint conceded, raising a hand to slap the clothespins off of my nipples one by one. The first came off with a painful snap, but the second ended up twisting around the nipple. I wailed in pain. Flint smirked, “bet that really hurts, huh?” He raised his hand to slap it again.

At this point, I was in so much pain that I was barely thinking. While my legs were bound, my arms weren’t. Before Flint could smack the clothespin once more, I reached up and removed the clothespin myself. He stopped, arm still in the air, looking a little shocked.

“You seriously didn’t just do that,” he shook his head. “I’ve never ever had someone do that.” He called the girls over and I covered my face with my hands, feeling embarrassed.

“I’m sorry,” I murmured, “it just hurt a whole lot and I wanted it off.”

I thought he would hit me or give me a spanking, but he just stayed still. “If it’s too much, you use a safe word. Do you know your safe words?” I nodded nervously and he had me repeat them to him. “Otherwise, you take it.”

“But it was all twisted,” I complained.

He frowned. “You don’t think I know what I’m doing, then?”

I shrugged. I felt rather small, ashamed that I hadn’t just used a safe word or allowed him to keep going. I could have taken the pain, but I was having trouble giving off that last resolve of control that prevented me from the kind of discomfort that I didn’t enjoy. Sure, I enjoyed it because I despised it, but I hadn’t even let myself go there. 

“I’m better than this,” I insisted.

Flint took out his phone and started scolding me. “I’m going to tell your owner what you did. And I’m not going to tell him that you should get another tally, but I’m certainly going to suggest it." 

I groaned. Perhaps seeing that I was kind of beating myself up for it, Flint sat down on the floor and pulled me upright. He held me for a few minutes to make sure I was all right. I think he saw that the scolding hadn’t gone over all too well and I was sort of beating myself up over it. Later on, he’d check in about it and make sure I was all right. 

But, at that moment, I kind of beat myself up a little. I’d been messing around like this for quite a while. I wasn’t trying to be a brat and I felt I was better than this kind of thing. I was embarrassed that I’d let Sir down by not demonstrating that he’d trained me well. I’m a perfectionist, even when it comes to stuff like this.

So, I rested my cheek on Flint’s shoulder and reasoned with myself that, at the very worst, I’d just end up with another tally.

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I miss Sir. A lot. Like, all the time. 

And the situation is only made worse by the fact that he has his own work/family crap to deal with and I’m suddenly becoming more of the submissive I want to be right when he’s stuck handling all of that. I wish I could be able to show him in person how good I can be and how proud I can make him.

I realized tonight that I had done wrong by him a lot early on in my submission to him. In trying to cope with my own shame, I wound up shaming him for a lot of the things that he asked for. I told him stuff was ridiculous or “too porny” when it was honestly something I liked, but I was scared of admitting to myself that I wanted. As a result, he’s totally reticent about actively dominating me and letting me be totally passive to him, as opposed to pre-negotiating every detail of a scene. 

I apologized to him, but I still feel awful about it. I feel terrible about shaming him and how it’s now left him feeling really awkward as my dominant. Hopefully, he’ll be able to visit soon and I’ll be able to demonstrate to him that I’m not going to fall back on things like that anymore. But I still just feel horrible for having made him feel like he couldn’t articulate his fantasies without being made to feel ashamed.

Ugh, it’s so hard to admit when you’ve just plain, old, black and white fucked up. And it’s even harder when I have to wait to make it better. 

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Technically, it’s topless.

And, no, I totally didn’t buy these. Just took a bunch of photos of myself in them in the changing room for Sir.

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nankingdecade:

I’m very happy with girl’s progress over the past few months. She has taken ownership of her training to be a good little fucktoy, becoming more brave and slutty, overcoming shame, embracing her darker desires and the need to serve. And everyone knows nothing reinforces good behavior better than well-deserved praise.

I only wish that it were all while you were right here with me, Sir.

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Sir had me edge myself three times today.

I whined to Flint about it, who then proceeded to make me edge three more times for complaining to him.

If anybody needs me, follow the puddles to where I’ll be pouting for eternity.

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Sometimes, your tenderness reminds me just as much as your violence of how deeply I’m yours.

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nankingdecade:

Puff lightly and carry a big stick.

I absolutely hate it when he’ll have a cigar with his friends. It’s super, super rare, thankfully, but it’s still really disgusting to me. I can’t even watch him do it. I associate cigars with old, rotund colonialists with chubby fingers covered in ostentatious rings. And that’s not him at all. 

So, naturally, of course, I end up fantasizing about him using my mouth as an ashtray sometimes. Right in front of his friends, knowing how disgusted I am but not caring. Because I guess I’m into degradation a lot more than I would like to admit.

Also, I absolutely kink on 1950s misogynist advertising. Oops.