I totally empathize, and that’s part of the reason why I don’t use online dating anymore.
I’ve never had luck with online dating sites, none of my current relationships have come out of them and the longest I’ve ended up dating someone I met through an online dating service was maybe a month.
My best way of meeting partners has always been through my local kink community. I was introduced to Pup by a partner of his after I met her at a munch. I met both Leo and Rex at play parties hosted by a couple I met at those munches. A good friend of mine introduced me to her neighbor, The Neighbor, after he’d confided in her that he was interested in kink and curious about non-monogamy.
I know OkCupid has specific settings that appeal to non-monogamous/poly individuals, but I always found that it was peopled with unicorn-hunters and people who haven’t quite articulated their personal and interpersonal boundaries. I have the privilege of having a pretty good poly/kink community, but I know this isn’t the case for most people.
So, no, I haven’t had much luck with online dating services. Though I totally know people, poly and otherwise, who’ve met their spouses/long-term partners on there.
We pulled up to Rex’s place and I felt a lump rise in my throat. He lived in a pretty fancy apartment complex, complete with a freaking person in a little hut who offers you a parking pass. Just…bananas.
So I was all anxious because it was becoming more and more apparent to me that this person is a real adult with nice adult things and I’m, you know, me. And Pup, noticing how I’ve gotten all quiet, reached over and squeezed my thigh. “Calm down. You’re going to have a good time. Just relax.”
To which I’m basically like:
After taking the elevator up to his floor, I started up the hall. The thrumming of the low bass of some music grew louder as I neared his door. I had to smirk, I knew this move. And, okay, maybe he just liked loud music, but I’ve totally thrown that kind of stuff on to drown out the sex I was anticipating having. I figured knowing he was being a little presumptuous would give me the upper hand.
But when I stepped inside, I was taken aback by the fact that he first thing he said after greeting me and kissing me hello was to suggest I take off my shoes. Yeah, after the whole “wear comfortable shoes” thing that left me freaking out over footwear before arriving. It was a fucking power play.
Which, in part, made me crazy. But also, in part, indicated to me that Rex might just be into power dynamics. Or, yeah, he could’ve just been a jerk. Either way, I was totally bamboozled.
His apartment had one of those floor-to-ceiling windows with an incredible view. For a while, was just sat around, talking about ourselves and watching the sunset. “Anyway,” he said. “What do you like? I mean, what are you into?”
I chuckled. “You mean, like, sexually?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Exactly that.”
I shook my head. “Nope. Oh no. I’m not going first. I don’t want to weird you out or set crazy expectations.” He put his arm around me and started laughing. “No, I’m dead serious. You first.”
Rex cleared his throat. “Well, all right. I guess I should start by saying, in at least most relationships, I’m dominant.”
“Well,” I responded, looking at my feet. “I’m usually a sub.”
“Bondage?” He asked, and I nodded.
“Yeah,” I said, “that’s kind of a big thing for me.”
He reached up and slid my blazer off of my shoulders. “Ageplay?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Sometimes.”
Rex pulled my dress off of me and slipped my stockings down. He kept naming kinks, I kept affirming them. It was going well. And when he rolled on a condom and went to slide inside me, I tried to up the ante by saying, “no. Turn me over. Fuck me like a whore.”
He slipped into me. “It’s always fucking you like a whore if it’s fucking you.”