I miss Sir. A lot. Like, all the time.
And the situation is only made worse by the fact that he has his own work/family crap to deal with and I’m suddenly becoming more of the submissive I want to be right when he’s stuck handling all of that. I wish I could be able to show him in person how good I can be and how proud I can make him.
I realized tonight that I had done wrong by him a lot early on in my submission to him. In trying to cope with my own shame, I wound up shaming him for a lot of the things that he asked for. I told him stuff was ridiculous or “too porny” when it was honestly something I liked, but I was scared of admitting to myself that I wanted. As a result, he’s totally reticent about actively dominating me and letting me be totally passive to him, as opposed to pre-negotiating every detail of a scene.
I apologized to him, but I still feel awful about it. I feel terrible about shaming him and how it’s now left him feeling really awkward as my dominant. Hopefully, he’ll be able to visit soon and I’ll be able to demonstrate to him that I’m not going to fall back on things like that anymore. But I still just feel horrible for having made him feel like he couldn’t articulate his fantasies without being made to feel ashamed.
Ugh, it’s so hard to admit when you’ve just plain, old, black and white fucked up. And it’s even harder when I have to wait to make it better.