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Weird side thoughts while looking at porn like this:

I wish I could travel more.

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I used to be able to wear fun sheer stuff like this before birth control boobs.

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I’m coming back in twelve days, so I shouldn’t be such a big baby about this.

Sir’s in the shower right now, getting ready for work. I’m eating breakfast before I have to go catch my flight.

It always happens that just as we are falling into a routine, one of us has to go. It’s a little tiring. I’m so excited that the next few times I see him, it will be for three weeks and then for the better part of a summer.

But, the time in between is always so rough.

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I’m not going to lie. Halloween was a whole lot of fun, but it was really hard without him.

It’s our first Halloween apart. I know it sounds minor and silly, but Halloween is kind of our holiday. Last year, he came out and saw me. The year before, it was the first time we made ourselves public within our group of friends. 

Previously, we had been sort of doing the whole secret play partners on the down-low thing. But stuff was really starting to grow between us and we’d been drinking, so we started rather blatantly making out. And so everyone was kind of like well okay I guess that’s a thing that’s been happening.

He went home with me that night and I remember waking up beside him and looking over and thinking, “shit, I’m developing serious feelings for this person.”

So, it was hard to have this one without him. I really hope it’s the last one.

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I miss Sir. A lot. Like, all the time. 

And the situation is only made worse by the fact that he has his own work/family crap to deal with and I’m suddenly becoming more of the submissive I want to be right when he’s stuck handling all of that. I wish I could be able to show him in person how good I can be and how proud I can make him.

I realized tonight that I had done wrong by him a lot early on in my submission to him. In trying to cope with my own shame, I wound up shaming him for a lot of the things that he asked for. I told him stuff was ridiculous or “too porny” when it was honestly something I liked, but I was scared of admitting to myself that I wanted. As a result, he’s totally reticent about actively dominating me and letting me be totally passive to him, as opposed to pre-negotiating every detail of a scene. 

I apologized to him, but I still feel awful about it. I feel terrible about shaming him and how it’s now left him feeling really awkward as my dominant. Hopefully, he’ll be able to visit soon and I’ll be able to demonstrate to him that I’m not going to fall back on things like that anymore. But I still just feel horrible for having made him feel like he couldn’t articulate his fantasies without being made to feel ashamed.

Ugh, it’s so hard to admit when you’ve just plain, old, black and white fucked up. And it’s even harder when I have to wait to make it better. 

Ugh.

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So the guy I went out with the other night and messed around with tonight just informed me that apparently his primary partner is not all right with what went down. While they’d talked it all out and whatnot beforehand, she’s really upset and uncomfortable, so he may not be able to see me anymore.

Which, ugh, sucks. Because I feel guilty, even though I know this isn’t my fault. And it stinks because I have to go to this munch alone tomorrow, which terrifies me. And I was like happy to think I’d found someone to have fun with out here.

Sigh. I hate this.

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After an amazing month home, I have to go back to my new little neck of the woods. I’ve got to get back to my job (I was fortunate enough to be able to take this long off because we keep our doors closed for May) and I’ve got to start getting ready for all the craziness of the fall (teaching, doing my master’s thesis, eeek).

I’m a little anxious because, in addition to the craziness that awaits me, I’m not sure the next time I’ll be back around to see my family or friends or Sir or this new guy. I’m not even 100% sure if Sir will end up having to relocate for work.

So you can expect some cathartic porn reblogging and intentional dirty distractions for the next few days, I suppose.

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Lately, I just want direction. I want someone to just take over and let me take my hands off the wheel for a little while. I know that’s a lot to ask. Too much, probably. It’s unreasonable and I know I wouldn’t be happy. But that makes me feel small and pathetic and needy and demanding and a little incapable.