You are not a messed up person! Always problematize and engage with your sexuality, but don’t shame yourself for something enacted in a consensual environment between two (or more!) sober adults who trust each other.
The wonderful and terrible thing about the Internet is that it’s a mixed bag. For every “you’re a whore” or “you’re a bitch” message that I get from people, I get some really lovely/engaging/thoughtful stuff.
And then sometimes I just get random pictures of penises. And those are THE WORST.
Still I rise, Maya Angelou, 1928
Here’s a photo of my problematic boobs to break up all the text and vitriol on this blog today.
Hi, Lisa. You must understand that very often the nature of these asks comes in the form of an attack. I believe that my answer was actually rather coherent. Every sentence was a complete sentence grammatically and syntactically. The content, I believe, had some logic to it.
So, if you’re looking for me to apologize for being angry, I really don’t think I need to. I started this blog to help me cope with a lot of the lived messiness of my sexuality, and to speak to a few people who were doing the same thing. I wanted to interact with some members of the community without having to deal with sending things as “an anon” and I wanted to engage with my sexuality in a productive way that allowed me to decide what I wanted without condemning myself. In the past, I spent a lot of time shaming myself and being shamed by other people. I didn’t expect to get so many followers. And it hurts me when people try to push me into a corner and question me because, guess what, it happens a lot. Not only that, I spend a lot of time doing it to myself.
By the same token, you’re not sorry either. You’re not sorry that I was “so offended and defensive.” You just wanted to let me know that I was. And, yes, I know I was. I’m not sorry for being offended and defensive and I’m not going to apologize for it. I’m not sorry for feeling attacked. I’m not sorry for treating you – coming behind the guise of an anon and still being an anon without a blog – for critiquing the way I present myself while giving yourself the dignity of not presenting yourself for critique at all. You’ve stepped into a debate with no personal stakes, and proceeded to drag me into it not on an intellectual level, but a personal level. It wasn’t, “how do you feel about the intersection of rape culture and consensual nonconsent?” It was instead, “how do YOU justify YOUR sex life?” First rule of debating is to stick to facts and keep the personal anecdotes off the table.
A digression: Bright supplemented my answer wonderfully by adding the fact that I add disclaimers. That was delightful for me to hear, because I worry my disclaimers might come across as silly or superfluous. I’m encouraged that they’re functioning as an effective trigger warning and they allow people to still enjoy my writing. Thank you again, Bright.
But, yeah, my brain was working. I can differentiate it just fine. Thanks for checking.
So, I’ve done consensual non-consent with men and women, so it’s got nothing to do with “a man taking charge” at all. I think kink is itself a sexuality. I don’t know why I’m attracted to men and women. I don’t know why I like bondage or anything else.
I don’t “give up control” in the bedroom. I maintain control through the use of safewords and checking in. And consensual non-consent is not the antithesis of equality.
So what you’re basically telling me is I’m a hypocrite for being outspoken about rape when, in fact, I fantasize about and engage in consensual nonconsent. What I love about messages like this is you’re really not trying to get the logic behind it at all, because people far more articulate and established than I have certainly written quite a bit on the subject. What you’re trying to do is either make me feel guilty or corner me into a “gotcha” to try to take away my credibility. Or you’re trying to reveal some underlying Daddy issue or make me admit whether or not I’ve been raped so you can pathologize me.
Let me start by saying that we live in a society where some of our most admired characters on television and in movies are drug lords, murderers and criminals. I highly doubt you would ever message someone who enjoyed The Godfather but who thought murder was unacceptable with this sort of message. I highly doubt you would accuse a teacher who would report statutory rape in a heartbeat but teaches Romeo and Juliet of being a hypocrite.
I like the term lived messiness. I am aware of my sexuality, I can problematize it, but I’m not going to crucify myself for it. Saying a feminist is a bad feminist for enjoying something is pretty damn anti-feminist.
It’s funny that you say “I know it’s a ‘fantasy’ in an environment of trust and consent” and still ask this question. Because, once again, you’re not really even asking a question here. If you acknowledge that I am behaving in an environment of trust an consent, how can you even call it rape? What I do in the privacy of my bedroom is so completely divorced from the act of rape it isn’t even funny. I don’t even call it a rape fantasy anymore, I call it consensual non-consent.
Rape is not a sexual act as much as it is an act of violence, power and control. Why am I so outspoken about this issue? Because it’s wrong and it’s horrible and it’s PREVENTABLE and it’s happened to entirely too many people.
Consensual non-consent is something that I do with a partner that I trust and respect, who reciprocates those feelings. While rape is an act that attempts to rid the body of autonomy, I feel that consensual non-consent only confirms my autonomy over my body by allowing me to grant my partner the privilege of being rough with it. (And on the subject of roughness? I love it. I love the adrenaline.) While rape is an act of betrayal, consensual non-consent is an act of trust. And while rape is about misinformed entitlement, consensual non-consent is about giving someone the privilege to something.
So, I could sit here and castigate myself and call myself a contradiction. Which is kind of exactly what the patriarchy wants me to do. Or I could continue to fight for the destruction of rape culture and the patriarchy while understanding the lived messiness of my sex life. My libido works a certain way, and I’m not going to suddenly drop this important cause just because I like my sex a little rough.
Oh, and by the way? “I don’t know how to ask this without sounding judgmental” falls under the same category of phrases like “I’m not trying to be racist/sexist/rude but…”
nya nya further trigger warning for discussion of rape and shit
Also to be noted: Ivy does not engage in her consensual non consent shit in a gross ass way that puts survivors in danger. She’s very clearly like “hey this was consensual” “hey I had a safeword” “I was good” “I had fun” “This is this kind of scene” at the begnning
I KNOW BECAUSE I REMEMBER BEING PLEASED AS SHIT WITH HER WHEN I FIRST READ A STORY INVOLVING THAT AND THOSE THINGS WERE PRESENT BECAUSE IT KEPT ME FROM BEING TRIGGERED.
Like yknow what? People who reblog pictures with rape fantasy based captions and no trigger warning? they’re kind of on my shit list. The OP probably sees those captions, the OP could be triggered by your commentary, and while the people commenting and their followers all know that it’s in fun and whatever that’s still putting survivors at risk.
There are rape survivors who like consensual non consent
I am one of them
Do you have any idea anon, how easy it is for me to stop a scene where the consent lines have been hammered out before hand and discussed and I’m with a partner I trust? It takes LITERALLY one word. And before I GET to that word my partner will check in with me and take breaks and let me breathe. This is so far removed from what I experienced by being rape they aren’t even in the same category.
There is a HUGE amount of therapy and freedom in having someone I trust play about hurting me. Because unlike in my actual rape and assaults I have the freedom to fight and struggle. Because unlike when I was actually raped the moment I even make a face that’s not quite right there’s a pause where I’m kissed gently and asked if everythings okay. Because the words used are cleared with me before they’re uttered.
Now, I’m not saying you should be 100% cool with rape play because WOW no that’s definitely not a thing. But you certainly shouldn’t come at people who both enjoy the idea of consensual non consent AND ALSO ARGUE ABOUT RAPE CULTURE
If Ivy or anyone else was like “yeah i’m into it and all those dumb whores who scream rape are obvi into it to” PLEASE. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO TEAR THAT PERSON A NEW ASSHOLE
But you’ve gotta be kidding me with this
Remember how I said there were people with more articulate ways of explaining this?
Bright is one of them.
THANK YOU, SWEET FOOT/MOELUI. I’m getting asks like, “why are you being so mean to the guy?” And THIS IS WHY. Because he tags shit “hope after feminism” and is condescending as all hell.