Him: I’m gonna cum all over that pretty face Me: omg you think I’m pretty?!
Chats
Actual Exchange I Just Had
ChatRoommate’s Boyfriend: Ivy, remember that time your boyfriend-
Me: Which one?
Me: Do you have lunch plans?
Coworker Friend Aware of My Lifestyle: Meeting up with some old friends. You should come join us.
Me: I wouldn’t want to step in on your plans.
Coworker Friend: Nah, it’s just going to be us and a ton of dudes. Totally your thing.
Pretty average Tuesday night in this household
ChatPup: I’m thinking of stepping out for a bit.
Me: *pulls him close*
Me: *proceeds to make out with him*
Me: Bring back Doritos.
An educated person: “it’s unhealthy to eat past 9 pm.”
Me, eating Lucky Charms at 3 am: “Oh man, good thing time is an illusion”
Craftsmate, texting me out of the blue like: Hey I was just thinking that as New Yorkers who grew up eating lots of pizza as kids, why is it that we craved pizza all the time as kids but only crave it occasionally as adults?
Me: …
Craftsmate: I have four theories.
Me: …
Craftsmate: (goes on to just explain these theories)
Me: So I ate an entire personal pizza for lunch today.
Me: But sure yeah.
Me: *comes out of bathroom the other day to find Pup jerking off*
Pup: Wanna help out?
Me: I just put lipstick on.
Pup: *wags dick* Wanna blot it?
concept
Chatme, in the year 2040, getting ready for a fancy dinner party, standing in front of my antique gold vanity mirror, wearing a saint laurent f/w 2039 evening gown and cartier diamond earrings, taking a sip of champagne: what did you learn at school today, honey? 🙂
my future child, laying on my king-sized bed with burgundy satin sheets: not much, in history we talked about the 2016 election. do you remember any of that?
me: drops my crystalline wineglass
Let’s Just Get Weird Tonight, Tumblr.
Chat1. Last kiss
2. Last phone call
3. Last text message
4. Last song you listened to
5. Last time you cried
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice
7. Been cheated on
8. Kissed someone & regretted it
9. Lost someone special
10. Been depressed
11. Been drunk and threw up
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
12. had sex
13. How many people have you had sex with this year?
15. Made a new friend
17. Laughed until you cried
18. Met someone who changed you
19. Found out who your true friends were
20. Found out someone was talking about you
26. What did you do for your last Birthday
27. What time did you wake up today
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for
30. Last time you saw your all of your siblings at the same time
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life
32. What are you listening to right now
33. When is the last time you had sex?
34. Who’s getting on your nerves right now
35. Most visited webpage
36. Favorite colour
37. Nicknames
38. Relationship Status
39. Zodiac sign
40. Male or female
41. Primary school
42. Secondary School
43. High school/college
44. Eye color
46. Height
47. Do you have a crush on someone
48. What do you like about yourself
49. Piercings
50. Tattoos
51. Righty or lefty
FIRSTS:
53. First piercing
54. First best friend
55. First hookup
56. First Bestfriend
RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating
60. Drinking
61. I’m about to
62. Listening to
63. Waiting for
YOUR FUTURE:
64. Want kids?
65. Get married?
66. Career
WHICH IS BETTER:
67. Lips or eyes
68. Hugs or kisses
69. Shorter or taller
70. Older or Younger
71. Romantic or spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms
73. Sensitive or loud
74. Hook-up or relationship
HAVE YOU EVER:
76. Kissed a stranger
77. Drank hard liquor
78. Lost glasses/contacts
79. Had sex
80. Broken someone’s heart
82. Been arrested
83. Turned someone down
84. Cried when someone died
85. Fallen for a friend
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself
87. Miracles
88. Love at first sight
89. Heaven
90. Santa Clause
91. Kiss on the first date
92. Angels
93. How would you label yourself?
94. Someone You Pray Everyday For
95. Did you sing today
96. Who From All Your Ex’s have You Cared The Most About
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?
98. Out Of Everything In The World What Do You Wish For
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?
100. Do you like the way you look?
ASK ME THESE PLEASE!
It’s called a blowJOB not a blowcation
ChatPup: You want to play a little before we go?
Me: Okay.
Pup: You want to give me a blow job?
Me: That’s not playing, that’s working.