Craftsmate, texting me out of the blue like: Hey I was just thinking that as New Yorkers who grew up eating lots of pizza as kids, why is it that we craved pizza all the time as kids but only crave it occasionally as adults?
Craftsmate: I have four theories.
Craftsmate: (goes on to just explain these theories)
Me: So I ate an entire personal pizza for lunch today.
Me: But sure yeah.
Back in college, Craftsmate used to tie me, loosely, like this sometimes and have me sleep next to him. I know it’s not safe to do and I am not encouraging you all to do it, but is it fair to sometimes miss it?
Yesterday would have been Sir’s and my anniversary. In the spirit of trying to be friends, we decided to meet up for dinner.
I was super anxious leading up to it; I hadn’t seen him since we broke up, although we have been talking. We’re both seeing other people, but I was scared I would cry when I saw him or regret the whole thing instantly.
But seeing him come up the block to meet me last night, I was filled with warmth for him. It’s hard to explain. But I’ll say this: we spent most of the first half of our twenties together, and so in a way we grew up together. There were so many firsts and so many beautiful things that I shared with this man. And so when he came up and hugged me, all of my anxiety faded away and I was able to just enjoy him again.
It’s hard to talk about the “end” of this relationship – though it’s not really ended – on tumblr. He found me here, you all watched this relationship develop. You were there for all the good stuff and the awkward stuff and the brave stuff. I was nervous to share the bad stuff because it always felt like I might be disappointing someone, especially when I used to get asks from people basically saying they envied our relationship.
I’ve said it before here and I’ll repeat it: knowing how it all wound up, I’d do it again. Especially now, after the wonderful dinner we shared as people becoming something that feels like – and hopefully will be – dear friends. And I know it sounds strange, but breaking up may have been one of the best things we could have done for our relationship.
We were very good to each other. I think that’s what made this all right. There were some really hard and bad times. But in the end it’s overwhelmed by gratitude and warmth. I’m glad we did this right. I’m glad I loved him. I’m glad we tried as hard as we did. And I’m glad you’ve all been with us, join us on this really unexpected journey.
I promise, I’ll get back to the sexy stuff soon.
Craftsmate/Sir and I had “un-anniversary” dinner and drinks tonight.
It’s overwhelmingly satisfying to see him and still have a friendship with him and have no ill will or tension.
We say hi.
The day before I went back home in January, Sir and I had a nice brunch and went to go get my nipples pierced. It’s something I had been considering for quite a while but had never thought I was crazy enough to follow through. It was my 24th birthday present to myself.
The whole thing almost didn’t happen. The piercer I made the appointment with called in sick that morning, but we were directed to a colleague of hers that worked a few blocks away.
Sir held my hand while it happened. The whole thing was deeply romantic. I squeezed his fingers when the needle went through, and he reassured me that it was all looking good. And then he helped me back into my clothes and brought me, dizzy with adrenaline, down into the subway to head back to his place.
These are the important memories. The ice cream we bought in the dead of winter when the high wore off and the pain set in, playing videogames to keep me distracted from the sting (which didn’t work but was nice in theory), Sir sleeping with an arm over me so I wouldn’t roll over in the night and hurt myself.
Things got hard and weird and ended up not working. But at our best we were brave and wild and tender with each other.
On New Year’s Eve, I was at a play party with Sir and his other partner, Sophie. At one point during the night, Sir and Sophie were off together and I was out on the balcony getting some air. My coat was over my lingerie, and the chill felt kind of good on my stockinged legs.
I ended up talking to a guy out there who had seen me playing with Sir earlier and had come over with his partner. Sir had let them touch me a little bit, teasing me as they ran their fingers over my nipples and cheeks.
“So, what,” the guy kind of blurted out, “are you two going to just keep doing this until he takes you out to the suburbs and gets you pregnant?”
I stared at him, incredulous. I could see that between the time he’d played with me and then found me out on the balcony, he was a little drunk.
“No, I don’t know.” I was too shocked to formulate something more articulate. But if I saw him now, I’d say that this isn’t a phase, this isn’t some wild youthful outburst. This isn’t some crazy thing I do to get the guy I’m seeing excited until I can pacify him into settling down.
It’s weird now to try to navigate the scene without Sir. He brought me to my first munch and my first play party. But this is a part of me, and I’m grateful to him for bringing me out of my shell. So I’m ready to keep going and never totally grow out of this.
It’s really hard to write this, but due to circumstances mostly beyond our control, Sir and I have decided to end our relationship as primary partners. It’s the result of a lot of difficult talks revolving around the future and the feasibility of staying together. And obviously it is hard to say this to all of you here, after tumblr was more or less the thing that brought us together, and after we have received so much support from all of you. It’s a complicated situation. We are still very much in love, we still care for each other and want to be in each other’s lives, but the original trajectory of our relationship is simply not possible. We need some time to mourn this relationship before considering the possibility of being secondaries or anything of that nature, and we request that you respect our privacy on this matter. This is one of the hardest decisions we’ve ever had to make, and we can only hope that this will bring us both more happiness.
Speaking for myself, my relationship with Sir was one of the most powerful and important I’ve ever had, if not singularly so. I’ve grown so much as a person, as a sub, as a partner. Obviously my heart is broken. I want to express again how grateful I am to all of you for your support, and what a joy it was to fall in love with this man, to submit to him and to grow with him.
I ask you all take it easy on me for a while as I find my bearings. Again, I am eternally grateful for what we had, and I do believe that knowing that this is how it would wind up, I would do it all again.
Sir’s flight keeps getting delayed, sigh.
And I can’t even do this since I have to pick him up.
Guys Sir is coming this weekend and and and