growth

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I’ve lived in this new city for almost a year now and I’m still calling it new.

I think part of it is the fact that I kind of haven’t let go of home. My friends are there, my family is there, my boyfriend is there. And while I made some friends here, I’ve always kind of had one foot out the door.

This summer, most of the friends I’ve made in my program aren’t around. And, I never really branched out locally. So, since I came back here, I’ve been kind of lonely, just going to work and mostly keeping to myself. I don’t know why I didn’t try to branch out, I guess I’ve just never really accepted that this is my home now. I thought if I kept writing this off as a temporary thing, I wouldn’t have to accept the fact that I miss everyone so much.

I was talking to Sir last night about how I was lonely, and he convinced me into finally switching over my okcupid and fetlife to the city I actually live in. As in, the one I’ve lived in for the past year. 

So, I’m going to a munch on Monday. And tonight I’m grabbing a drink with someone. Because I’ve decided it’s finally time I let go and put down some roots here.

axman:

Photo by: Igor Gritsenko

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“Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus.” ― Wallace Stegner, The Spectator Bird.

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I’m learning more and more that I am young and wild but I’ve still got a fragile little heart that swells and hurts and swells and grows, just maybe.

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It’s taken a lot for me to be able to admit to myself that I enjoy – and am worthy of – attention. I fall back so often upon fears of being demanding and anxiety over how much space I am allowed to take up in the world, in other people’s lives, in my own priorities. 

And as much as it’s manifested personally, it’s manifested on a level in my kink as well. I find it so hard to ask for the things I like by name because I fear I’ll come across as far too demanding, I’m afraid to admit that I love attention because I fear I’ll be considered self-centered or that I’ll be slut-shamed. 

But I’ve been trying so hard to throw that burden off of myself in other areas of my life, and I feel like I need to do that here as well. So, yes, anons who call me a narcissist, I might just be a little bit of an attention whore. And, no, I’m not going to waste my energy at the next play party or orgy I go to trying to hide how much I sincerely and wholeheartedly want to be there. 

Yeah, I like receiving attention. And maybe sometimes I’ll overstep it and be a little too needy or a little too demanding, but I would rather that than worry that I am simply taking up too much space.

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I need to go to another party.

I’m getting addicted to feeling brave.

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Of course, this had to happen. I get home, I’m excited about what happened last night, and I just drop. I thought I was over this shame thing, but maybe I flew too close to the sun and I’m starting to feel awful.

This year has been huge for me and I was excited to start 2014 shedding away a lot of that shame about my sexuality. But I got home and suddenly I was bombarded with negative thoughts about how I wish I were normal, how this could ruin my career and relationship with my family, how I feel like such a freak of nature sometimes. I went back to a really awful place that I thought I’d moved past.

It started a little last night when I subdropped at the end of the party. I got really short with Sir and incredibly impatient and upset. He doesn’t deserve that and I didn’t realize that I still needed more aftercare, but I was acting out to a degree that he thought I was angry with him. My shame had even made me rationalize it that I was and that somehow he’d done something wrong. Which isn’t fair to him at all.

He just gave me a little pep talk reassuring me that I am going to be happy and successful and that all of this is okay. I’m paraphrasing, but it was so beautiful and so gentle and I love him so much for it. I just wish after a night like last night I could feel pride and not such complete and utter shame.

I’m resolving for 2014 that I shake this. I am so tired of these feelings and these old scars getting in my way. I hate that I have to constantly go back to this paralyzing fear of complete rejection if the people in my life figure out the extent of this side of me. I’ve been burned pretty hard in the past and it’s made my progress sometimes feel like I’m pedaling backwards.

This is also me asking your patience with me as I start to get my thoughts together and retell what happened. I had a wonderful time, but I’ve got some demons to work through here.

crescentmoon06:

…… by ~EmilyaManole

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In Their Eyes Were Watching God, Zora Neale Hurston writes that some years ask questions and others answer.

This year answered a lot of questions. 2013 was major for me, maybe my favorite year yet. I’ve grown so much in myself, done so much difficult but important personal work.

An ex once told me that she thought I wasn’t a complete person. It’s the most hurtful thing anyone has said about me, I think, especially since she was kind of right. But this year is the first time I can look at myself and see a whole entity. Nothing’s perfect. But I’ve never felt so secure in myself as a unit, so willing to rely on myself and know my capabilities.

Thank you for sticking around for the journey.

maybe-lisa:

– Shel Silverstein

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So, this is totally a fair question.

A year and a half ago, what he did was *not okay.* He had believed that I knew it was going to happen and it would be okay, but it was still not all right. And he admitted that and apologized.

I don’t forgive people easily. I carry grudges and I get really cautious about getting hurt. We basically had to build our friendship back up from the ground over a year and a half.

And in the course of that time, we’ve become different people. We’ve grown a lot. I see it in him and I see it in myself.

We’ve also grown closer than we even were before the whole incident. We get each other, we respect each other a lot more, we understand what to expect and what the other person is expecting. We’re both in healthy relationships with strictly defined parameters for openness.

I cannot begin to explain how touched I am that you’re looking out for me, though. Sincerely. It means a lot to me that you all aren’t just whacking off to me and sincerely care about me. So thank you. I’m really thankful for wonderful followers like you.