(via Cat Bitė / Unitedcats)
FYI I am demobottoming in less than ten hours and I am basically this anxious little kitty.
growth
Yesterday, I had difficult, vulnerable talks with both of the dudes in my life about all the crazy stuff like expectations and whatnot. Those of you who know me know that I am terrified of communication and vulnerability, so I wasn’t exactly chomping at the bit to do this. But, both of these talks turned out really, really positively, and I was clear about what I wanted and needed, and I felt much closer to both of them as a result. So, go me for doing the scary thing. Twice.
Hi so I absolutely am going to bed but I just need to announce somewhere in a chorus of squealing and joy that I finally sort of basically outed myself as non-monogamous in the sense that I invited a non-primary partner to a party I was hosting and didn’t try to awkwardly pass him off as just a friend in front of my cohort and friends.
Sir’s been encouraging me to be brave about this for so long and I finally took the risk and texted him about it right after and he’s so proud so I’m all glowy.
And I thought my friends would be weird about it but instead the feedback I mostly got was, “so, he’s really hot.” and, “look at you dating two really good-looking, interesting men.”
Poly success!
Here’s my contribution to herdirtylittleheart’s awesome #happybirthdayheart challenge.
I talk a lot about how Heart was one of the people pivotal in making me as brave(ish) as I’ve become. So, I wanted to do something super brave for this. It ended up sort of happening on the fly, but I’m thrilled with the result.
My vanilla friends and I took a crazy road trip to climb a crazy thing. Something you should know about me is that I hate hate hate hate hate heights. I didn’t think I’d actually end up going up to the top. But, somehow, I did.
I was so high on adrenaline and so ecstatic that I pulled my pants down to moon the distance I’d climbed and asked one of my vanilla friends to take a picture of my butt.
And you know what? She did it!
I maybe would’ve made a few different artistic choices had I been in charge, but here’s my offering to the Birthday Game. Recently, I was speaking to Heart about how awesome and brave people are being, and how inspirational it is to see what being brave means to each person. What I did here was an important step on two fronts in my life: conquering my anxiety-related fears and being my full, unabashed self in front of my friends.
On the way down, one of my other friends leaned over and said, “I think what you did was great. A lot of people would go up and carve their name into a tree or something. But this is something you can have from a time you did something wild and brave to always remember how that felt.”
So Happy Birthday, Heart. Your presence on this site is important and inspiring. Thank you for the excuse/opportunity you’ve given us this month.
“But I believe in intention and I believe in work. I believe in waking up in the middle of the night and packing our bags and leaving our worst selves for our better ones.” – Leslie Jamison, The Empathy Exams.
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I’m very happy with girl’s progress over the past few months. She has taken ownership of her training to be a good little fucktoy, becoming more brave and slutty, overcoming shame, embracing her darker desires and the need to serve. And everyone knows nothing reinforces good behavior better than well-deserved praise.
I only wish that it were all while you were right here with me, Sir.
Piss Shy, Part Four
StandardFlint pulled out a key and pushed the door open, letting me in. His partner, Macy, was sitting on the couch in a dress and a shawl, watching television. “Nice dress,” Flint said as he stepped inside, “take the shawl off and get on the floor." Macy slipped the shawl from her shoulders and slid onto the floor, folding her legs beneath her.
"How’s it going?” I asked, setting my purse down. “Could I use your bathroom?” Macy pointed. My head was a mess of nervousness and excitement, to the point that I had forgotten I was even wearing shoes and attempted to cross the living room.
Flint swung an arm out and cut me off while I was walking, catching me in the gut and knocking the air out of my chest. “Take your shoes off,” he ordered. I stumbled out of my shoes before dashing into the bathroom.
Once I was out, Flint grabbed me by the throat and pushed me against the wall. He leaned down to kiss me, and I had to struggle to my toes to kiss him back. Pulling back, he slapped my face and told me to go sit down on the couch and wait for WRM and his primary to arrive.
I sat down on the couch, clapping my hands on my knees and smiling nervously at Macy down on the floor. I’d met Macy once before, at the first munch, but I hadn’t realized how young she was. I was envious, confessedly, remembering where I was at eighteen and seeing how uninhibited she was about doing the things that excited her. She’s also just striking as hell, with gorgeous hair and sharp cheekbones.
“You’re cute,” Macy said.
I shook my head. “Sheesh, me? Thanks.” Flint sat down and put an arm around me. “I didn’t realize – you’re just a baby."
Looking down at Macy, I couldn’t help but remind myself that this girl was five years younger than me. It had been five years since I’d first started even remotely acknowledging what I’d wanted, and I’d been at a significantly different place at eighteen. I was scared and reticent, just beginning to understand that I was allowed to ask for the things that made me feel free.
Still, it had been a long five years.
I stayed up late last night talking to Sir about a really dark, scary fantasy I’ve got. And it wasn’t even that he reciprocated interest in it that got me, it was the fact that he was patient and affectionate about it. He reassured me that, yeah, I’m a little sick, but it’s in a good way and these fantasies are perfectly okay within the context of a consensual, respectful, loving relationship, where eventually the “scene” stops and there’s plenty of aftercare.
Have I mentioned that I have the best owner ever?
“The thing I’m most afraid of is me. Of not knowing what I’m going to do. Of not knowing what I’m doing right now.“ – Haruki Murakami, IQ84.
This disgusts me so much I want it.
Sometimes I wish I were a smoker just so I could degrade my girls like this.
I never thought I’d be able to see him use the phrase “my girls” and not feel like it looks unnatural. I guess I’m growing up or something.