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So, this is totally a fair question.

A year and a half ago, what he did was *not okay.* He had believed that I knew it was going to happen and it would be okay, but it was still not all right. And he admitted that and apologized.

I don’t forgive people easily. I carry grudges and I get really cautious about getting hurt. We basically had to build our friendship back up from the ground over a year and a half.

And in the course of that time, we’ve become different people. We’ve grown a lot. I see it in him and I see it in myself.

We’ve also grown closer than we even were before the whole incident. We get each other, we respect each other a lot more, we understand what to expect and what the other person is expecting. We’re both in healthy relationships with strictly defined parameters for openness.

I cannot begin to explain how touched I am that you’re looking out for me, though. Sincerely. It means a lot to me that you all aren’t just whacking off to me and sincerely care about me. So thank you. I’m really thankful for wonderful followers like you.

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Something I’m very passionate about is in danger because of some bullshit. It’s a project I’ve been working on for a cause I very much believe in, but there are some people who don’t want to see it happen. 

I found out about some pretty shady things that were going on yesterday and wound up spending nearly the whole day in my pajamas, at my computer, sending emails and trying to straighten stuff out. 

That guy from my frat was actually very kind and sat with me, calmed me down and told me I would just need to let go until it was straightened out. I was in the right, he reassured me, but I had done all that I could do in the present moment.

“Now, come on, I’ll make you a gin and tonic and we’ll go to the convenience store.”

“Can I shower first?” I asked, “I’d love the dignity of being able to wear a bra before 5 pm.”

After I showered, I headed over to his place, where he proceeded to give me a sticker for my hard work and then pour a gin and tonic, lime and all, into one of those portable coffee cups so I could take it with me to the store.

Call it trashy, but I found it to be a very sweet gesture.

Sometimes, it’s not all about sex.

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One of my best friends at Ivy University is gay. Let’s call him Jay. (See what I did there?)

Jay’s a really amazing guy. Supportive, funny, soulful, gentle. He’s got a wide range of talents and is just too good for words. He’s stunningly attractive. I love him to bits.

Of course, he’s gay, so we don’t get involved. Right? 

Well, Jay has decided that he wants, for one time, to see what it’s like to fuck a girl. And, after watching me change once during freshman year before we went out, he’s determined that this girl in question should be me.

Only, I’m really not feeling it. I don’t really want to be his experiment. We’ve made out before during a game of Kings, but otherwise I’ve really tried to keep everything super platonic and veer away from the physical. However, sometimes Jay has his own plans. Once, after misinterpreting something I’d said as a come-on, he legitimately stood up and went to unbuckle his belt.

Woah there, partner.

So, what I’m telling you is that there’s this giant elephant in the middle of our friendship. Jay wants to fuck me. Once. And then go back to being with men.

This year, I moved to one of the older buildings on campus. There’s sort of a thing going around about cockroaches from the age and the ease with which they can enter. I’ve tried to keep things clean and make it seem as far from the Roach Motel as I can.

But, I came home last night from dance class to find this gigantic cockroach in the middle of my floor, stuck on its back, and squirming frantically. I screamed. I panicked. Tears may have been shed. After some experiences with cockroaches in the past, I have an incredibly visceral reaction to them.

I tried to pick it up myself at first, the old paper and cup method. But, I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t sure what to do or how to handle it. I finally took out my cell phone and texted Jay, asking if he could do me a favor. He texted right back asking what I had in mind. I texted that there was a cockroach in my room and almost instantly he called me up, saying, “I’m on my way now. Do you want me to stay on the phone with you?”

Readers, this boy leaves nearly halfway across campus from me.

When he came, he embraced me, took care of the cockroach, embraced me again. And all there was in that embrace was friendship and compassion. 

I think about how many of my and my friends’ relationships with other people have been colored by sexual tension. Things don’t flow as smoothly and it’s harder to just be genuinely compassionate. Everything’s just a little bit tainted.

But I cannot describe how genuine the whole thing was. Maybe I’m over-examining it, maybe I just have a wonderful friend (with sexual tension).

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Pleasant Surprise: I was out for lunch yesterday with one of my best friends from high school. I kind of assumed she was vanilla because I have this terrible habit of just doing that (better safe than sorry?). I forget what we were talking about, but suddenly she looks up from her food and goes, “do you know who Sasha Grey is?”

Needless to say, we bonded like crazy at that point about how upset we are that she retired. I love when my friendships just get a teensy bit deeper like that. 

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The relationship between one of my friends and I can best be explained by examining that of Waldorf and Statler on the Muppets. They were my favorite. They were assholes. I loved them.

We’ll call my friend the Southern Gentleman. Why? Because he’s southern. And he’s a gentleman. 

We’re pretty similar people. Same sense of humor, same interests, same sexual inclinations. He and I aren’t together or anything like that, we’re just becoming very good friends. He and his girlfriend are poly, but neither of them are bisexual. That takes a lot of trust. It also must be boring since they can’t share people at all.  

We usually sit around and talk pretty candidly with each other about anything from sexual preferences to Kanye West’s ego. He’s an amazing conversational partner. And, mostly, we wind up turning into these old cooks pictured above.

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My girl A and I pulled it out last night. And when I say “pulled it out”, I mean had an amazing time.

She’s literally just the best person in the world. Like my absolute “twin”. Which is kind of hilarious to say because, although we have the same sense of humor and very similar personalities, I’d say we’re pretty different.

A’s completely straight and completely vanilla. She’s active, but she doesn’t masturbate. I just couldn’t even imagine. 

And so I naturally kind of kept my shit on lock when we first got close. Because, you know, I’m not entirely candid with people to begin with, but when she was the first one to break the floodgates and tell me about something sexual, I kept myself massively toned down. 

The first time I told her the whole song and dance, we had been drinking. We were at a friend’s pregame and stopped by my room to pick up sweaters to wear over to the party since the weather had gotten very cold very suddenly. She asked me a question about something vaguely kinky, I answered, and then the floodgates got opened.

But, not by me, I was still incredibly tight-lipped. It was A who wanted to know everything. She asked to see the handcuffs, the nipple clamps, the vibrator, everything. I don’t think I would’ve gone along with it had I not had some liquid confidence. When we were finally heading out to go, I asked, “so, do you think you’re kinky?”

“Me?” she laughed, “hell no. I just find it fascinating.”

And that’s why I love this gal. We’re going out again tomorrow night and bringing this photo 200% (with some clothing on). She’d so be the one on the left. 

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If you’ve seen the show, you’ll know exactly what I mean when I say that a friend of mine and I have something like this going. No, I’m not in love. And, no, we’re not involved. We’re just the “series of escalating dares” kind of people. 

kyl3m:

A series of escalating dares.