Sometimes, I can’t help but feel selfish.
Yeah, there’s a feelings rant going up on here. Bear with me or just ignore it.
It just have a much easier time articulating my feelings in writing than I have ever have out loud. Especially in writing not directed to anyone in particular. And this is the only diary I’ve ever been able to keep, so, here goes.
When feelings start to come out, I always feel selfish. That’s how I get. Partially because I worry I’ll be hurting a friendship by inserting myself into the middle of it and partially because he says he doesn’t want or need to see anybody else regularly beyond some threesomes and sharing.
So, because I feel selfish, I don’t articulate myself. Because I am scared of seeming too demanding or needy. And I’ve never been good with conflict. I have this terrible all-or-nothing instinct where I think a single disagreement will completely destroy everything. And so I back out and try to please everyone.
My therapist says in the mess of that, my own feelings get lost. Which is something that goes on in terms of my family, my friends and my activities. I am incredibly cautious with the people I care about and neglect to articulate my needs because I worry somehow I’ll come across as selfish. So, I’m kind of a failure at communication.
The issue is resolved for the most part, but ugh. I don’t know.
