Of course, this had to happen. I get home, I’m excited about what happened last night, and I just drop. I thought I was over this shame thing, but maybe I flew too close to the sun and I’m starting to feel awful.
This year has been huge for me and I was excited to start 2014 shedding away a lot of that shame about my sexuality. But I got home and suddenly I was bombarded with negative thoughts about how I wish I were normal, how this could ruin my career and relationship with my family, how I feel like such a freak of nature sometimes. I went back to a really awful place that I thought I’d moved past.
It started a little last night when I subdropped at the end of the party. I got really short with Sir and incredibly impatient and upset. He doesn’t deserve that and I didn’t realize that I still needed more aftercare, but I was acting out to a degree that he thought I was angry with him. My shame had even made me rationalize it that I was and that somehow he’d done something wrong. Which isn’t fair to him at all.
He just gave me a little pep talk reassuring me that I am going to be happy and successful and that all of this is okay. I’m paraphrasing, but it was so beautiful and so gentle and I love him so much for it. I just wish after a night like last night I could feel pride and not such complete and utter shame.
I’m resolving for 2014 that I shake this. I am so tired of these feelings and these old scars getting in my way. I hate that I have to constantly go back to this paralyzing fear of complete rejection if the people in my life figure out the extent of this side of me. I’ve been burned pretty hard in the past and it’s made my progress sometimes feel like I’m pedaling backwards.
This is also me asking your patience with me as I start to get my thoughts together and retell what happened. I had a wonderful time, but I’ve got some demons to work through here.
…… by ~EmilyaManole