ivy

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Of course, this had to happen. I get home, I’m excited about what happened last night, and I just drop. I thought I was over this shame thing, but maybe I flew too close to the sun and I’m starting to feel awful.

This year has been huge for me and I was excited to start 2014 shedding away a lot of that shame about my sexuality. But I got home and suddenly I was bombarded with negative thoughts about how I wish I were normal, how this could ruin my career and relationship with my family, how I feel like such a freak of nature sometimes. I went back to a really awful place that I thought I’d moved past.

It started a little last night when I subdropped at the end of the party. I got really short with Sir and incredibly impatient and upset. He doesn’t deserve that and I didn’t realize that I still needed more aftercare, but I was acting out to a degree that he thought I was angry with him. My shame had even made me rationalize it that I was and that somehow he’d done something wrong. Which isn’t fair to him at all.

He just gave me a little pep talk reassuring me that I am going to be happy and successful and that all of this is okay. I’m paraphrasing, but it was so beautiful and so gentle and I love him so much for it. I just wish after a night like last night I could feel pride and not such complete and utter shame.

I’m resolving for 2014 that I shake this. I am so tired of these feelings and these old scars getting in my way. I hate that I have to constantly go back to this paralyzing fear of complete rejection if the people in my life figure out the extent of this side of me. I’ve been burned pretty hard in the past and it’s made my progress sometimes feel like I’m pedaling backwards.

This is also me asking your patience with me as I start to get my thoughts together and retell what happened. I had a wonderful time, but I’ve got some demons to work through here.

crescentmoon06:

…… by ~EmilyaManole

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Two years ago I started this silly little blog so I could talk out my thoughts, get over my insecurities and connect with people I had already been reading for some time.

I was twenty, coming out of what I soon realized was a pretty messed up relationship and coming to terms with the fact that I had become depressed. I wasn’t doing things for the right reasons and I wasn’t happy with myself.

I’m not saying this blog fixed things. But I am saying that it is an interesting marker of how things can change in two years. And it certainly wasn’t a detriment: I’ve met wonderful people, learned a lot about myself, and, honestly, above all, grew up.

Thank you for taking this journey with me.

<3, Ivy

strange-is-good:

A shot found at Art XXXtra.

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Both Craftsmate and Penthouse have accidentally either called me Ivy or almost called me Ivy out loud in person.

You know, rather than my actual name.

Which, uh, isn’t actually Ivy.

Craftsmate did it that first time I hung out with him, after he had flogged me, and we were sort of joking around. I forget what I had said to provoke him, but he was laughing and replied to me, “oh, come on, Ivy.” I gave this really goofy, over-dramatic jaw-drop and he started apologizing. I told him it was all right. Because it was.

Penthouse almost said it in front of The Prodigy and Craftsmate, while he was untying me from the harness he put me in. He had me turn around and said, “and now if you want to get Iv…” He stopped himself, said my name instead, and then continued, “…out of this, you just need to pull here and…”

I wonder, sometimes, if I’m still Ivy in their minds. Like, when they see me, if that is the name that registers before my real name. They both knew me as Ivy and knew my tumblr before they knew my name. And while they’ve been really respectful of my privacy, I just sometimes wonder if I’m still Ivy to them.

It doesn’t really bother me, honestly. I just find it kind of interesting.

straitlacedsecrets:

Mother’s Nature.

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Well, shit.

I’ve reached my one year milestone on this thing with you perverts.

I’d like to stress how happy and flattered I am that you’ve all joined me for the ride thus far. It has been such a year, I have changed so much, and you’ve all been lovely to me for it. 

<3, Ivy

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So, I am going to be writing more sexy prose on this tumblr than sexy memoir/personal experience. This is basically how it’s been going on here, but the personal content will be cut down. 

I have decided to withdraw myself from the hookup scene for a little while. While I once found this aspect of my sexuality very freeing, it is right now not serving me the way it used to. This year has been rough for me. Some very close people to me have passed away, some issues have come up in my family, some relationships have been broken off or been strained and my academics are becoming incredibly difficult. While I am managing academically just fine, personally I have been under some duress. I do not want to be using my sexuality as a coping mechanism. It’s not healthy and it honestly ruins the experience.

Moreover, I have been debating some aspects of my relationship with the Southern Gentleman and how they are panning out. The issues are not of the nature of the material on this tumblr, so I will not be discussing them here. I am unsure if I want to continue a physical relationship with him.

However, I have left off of this tumblr the fact that I am owned. (Surpriseeee). Well, not entirely. There’s a lot of subtle hints, interactions, etc. We are not each others’ primaries, but I consider the relationship to be fairly healthy and admire him greatly as a friend and confidante. He has been incredibly supportive, flexible and kind through what has been going on. I may start to go a bit more into detail on my relationship with him on here. But, please don’t hold me to that.

With this in mind, I hope you’ll all still stick around. You’ll be getting most of the regularly broadcasted stuff, I promise. You’ve all really been supportive of me and, as I come up on the one-year anniversary of this tumblr, I am so grateful to have all of you here.

<3, Ivy

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Dear Followers,

Holy crap. There’s 500 of you. 

500. Absolutely absurd. I just can’t even begin to fathom.

First of all, thank you. This whole experience has been an amazing way to meet wonderful people, discover myself, open up. You’ve all been so kind, so supportive, and so sweet for the entire journey thus far.

But, really what are you doing here? It’s crazy to me that you’d want to actually actively read about me whining about my strange little life. You’re all so amazing and I am so grateful to have this tumblr and all the things it has manifested for me.

Happy New Year, your love and support was a wonderful gift.

<3, Ivy

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The thinkivykink story. 

The uncertainty of self.

Not the preggers aspect.

I’m not preggers, I promise.

So, this exists.

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I’ve been recently informed that this video is a thing.

Pros: Her name is Ivy, she gets her clothing cut off, she is bent over a table and fucked, and she gets pizza at the end. I dig.

Cons: This guy doesn’t understand how to operate a pair of scissors and his own penis. That pizza was left out to get cold. Also, he just can’t aim to save his life.

I mean, whatever. A commendable effort.