feelings

The Party Sub, Part Eleven

I wish I could say that the evening ended on this amazing note and Sir and I came home and fucked each others’ brains out. But this wasn’t really the case. I had a wonderful night, but a lot of things compounded by the end of it made it a little rough.

I was tired, subspaced and starting to experience a pretty extreme sub drop. I was feeling some shame. When Sir and I tried to fuck in the loft, I couldn’t even get wet. I sucked his cock, but I kept getting distracted and nervous. There were some people up there messing around as well, and for the first time I was hyper-aware of it and it made me really insecure.

So, Sir just let me lie down and he held me, kissing me behind my ear and letting me come down from everything. Star came upstairs and cuddled up with us, and at some point the three of us just fell asleep.

When we woke up, I got dressed and Sir and I gathered our things and left. In the cab back, I started to feel better and even a little proud of myself. While I had left the party being quiet and a little short, by the time we were on the road, I was chatting and gushing and going over the night.

While I dropped a little bit the next afternoon, in the weeks that have passed, I realized how brave I was and how I really opened up to this new experience. If nothing else, I’d say I totally went all-in.

The takeaway is I’m kind of addicted to these sorts of parties and next time, I’ll know a little better what to expect and how to handle all of it. Because, yes, I’m going to make sure there’s a next time.

qinni:

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I got an earlyish night last night because I came home from being out with some people in my program and the whole thing exhausted me. Like, I am getting kind of tired of some of these people and I’m finding more and more that a lot of them aren’t particularly genuine.

Not to sound like a reality tv character, but I’m very tired of fake people. I’m going to make an effort to surround myself only with the people that I feel aren’t quite so ridiculous. While this makes me desperately miss my friends, I know there are definitely people like that out here and I also know who those people are. But I’m really over some of the bullshit.

This has been a post.

Of course, this had to happen. I get home, I’m excited about what happened last night, and I just drop. I thought I was over this shame thing, but maybe I flew too close to the sun and I’m starting to feel awful.

This year has been huge for me and I was excited to start 2014 shedding away a lot of that shame about my sexuality. But I got home and suddenly I was bombarded with negative thoughts about how I wish I were normal, how this could ruin my career and relationship with my family, how I feel like such a freak of nature sometimes. I went back to a really awful place that I thought I’d moved past.

It started a little last night when I subdropped at the end of the party. I got really short with Sir and incredibly impatient and upset. He doesn’t deserve that and I didn’t realize that I still needed more aftercare, but I was acting out to a degree that he thought I was angry with him. My shame had even made me rationalize it that I was and that somehow he’d done something wrong. Which isn’t fair to him at all.

He just gave me a little pep talk reassuring me that I am going to be happy and successful and that all of this is okay. I’m paraphrasing, but it was so beautiful and so gentle and I love him so much for it. I just wish after a night like last night I could feel pride and not such complete and utter shame.

I’m resolving for 2014 that I shake this. I am so tired of these feelings and these old scars getting in my way. I hate that I have to constantly go back to this paralyzing fear of complete rejection if the people in my life figure out the extent of this side of me. I’ve been burned pretty hard in the past and it’s made my progress sometimes feel like I’m pedaling backwards.

This is also me asking your patience with me as I start to get my thoughts together and retell what happened. I had a wonderful time, but I’ve got some demons to work through here.

crescentmoon06:

…… by ~EmilyaManole

My life.

I am trying very hard to trust. Not just in terms of the D/s stuff, but in terms of the nonmonogamy stuff, too.

And you know what?

Sometimes it’s really hard. But I’m trying. And I’m proud of myself for that.

superhighschoolevelkitty:

please guide me. please make me feel useful and wanted and safe and loved. please let me serve you and belong to you. please let me lay at your feet and kneel at your side. please protect and take care of me. please don’t let me go. please keep me.

These feelings.

I am quite familiar with them.

So, this is totally a fair question.

A year and a half ago, what he did was *not okay.* He had believed that I knew it was going to happen and it would be okay, but it was still not all right. And he admitted that and apologized.

I don’t forgive people easily. I carry grudges and I get really cautious about getting hurt. We basically had to build our friendship back up from the ground over a year and a half.

And in the course of that time, we’ve become different people. We’ve grown a lot. I see it in him and I see it in myself.

We’ve also grown closer than we even were before the whole incident. We get each other, we respect each other a lot more, we understand what to expect and what the other person is expecting. We’re both in healthy relationships with strictly defined parameters for openness.

I cannot begin to explain how touched I am that you’re looking out for me, though. Sincerely. It means a lot to me that you all aren’t just whacking off to me and sincerely care about me. So thank you. I’m really thankful for wonderful followers like you.

Trying to make it to the third panel.

Bagh.

When I was a little girl, I was scared of being left out because I was scared of being forgotten.

Apparently, that stuck.

camdamage:

Camille Damage by Cameron Davis

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Thank you for the kind words in my askbox. They were lovely to wake up to.

I’m running out the door today, but please know I appreciate the messages.

I’m sorry for the whiney feelings post. I’m just in a little bit of a funk.

luna-vespertine:

Jackie Dunn Smith

Ivy

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