I was on my first date with Nilla when it happened. We were walking down the street. He was holding my hand. We rounded a corner and bumped into my friend, hair tied on top of her head, yoga mat under her arm.

“Hey,” she said.

We both greeted her and as we walked away, trying to hide my panic, I asked if Nilla knew her. He didn’t.

Once I had gotten home, I quickly called her up and asked if she wanted to get a cup of coffee. I wanted to explain why I had been walking around holding a guy’s hand who wasn’t my boyfriend’s and I realized that I would probably have to out myself to her if I wanted to genuinely address what she had seen. She said we could meet that evening.

The rest of the day, I was nervous. By the time we got together, I’d rehearsed a thousand versions of my explanation. Recently, I’d been at a party and kissed a cute girl in front of a friend, who called me a week later to say she wasn’t sure how to respond to the fact that she’d seen me cheat on my boyfriend. I’d explained to her our situation, and she was supportive, even saying that the nature of our relationship proved its strength.

But this particular friend I had barely known a year. I wasn’t sure how she would react. With nothing to lose but maybe some respect, I was honest. The cafes were full, so we met up at a place that could best be described as half-assed stoner fast food. Nervous and a little disgusted, I barely touched what I ordered.

“Oh,” she replied and shrugged, “you two looked happy. Does your boyfriend see other people, too?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“Cool,” she said. And that was the end of that.

For those of you who’ve asked what I’ve been up to lately.

nankingdecade:

She says she hates fucking in this position. It makes her self-conscious about putting her body in full view. I’m not going to fuck her any other way from now on.

Can we discuss the degree of vanity that makes up my character where whenever I see a post on his blog that describes a “she,” I assume it’s me?

And then I’m like, “what are you talking about, I don’t say that.”

And then I’m all, “oh, right. It’s not always about me.”

Can I chalk this up to poly problems and not my own conceitedness? I was an only child, okayyyy?

It’s only poly problems…

…until you go on a date with a cute guy in the same poly community as you’re kind of in and then can kiss him because you’ve got the same cold.

#polybenefits

So, several of Flint’s partners have gotten colds over the past few days.

Of course, he’s not showing any symptoms.

And, of course, I’ve got a stuffy nose and a sore throat.

This is the definition of #polyproblems.

So, after thinking really hard about the situation, I decided I needed to stop seeing Woody. Turns out, in the process of “dumping” him, I discovered what a good decision this actually was. But, the whole situation was 50000 shades of awkward.

I had to do it over Skype because he doesn’t live out here, and so I felt kind of guilty about it. But, I couldn’t keep this going. He continued to do things that made me feel uncomfortable after I’d had long conversations about why I did not want him to do those things. He claimed he was a feminist, but made massively misogynist comments all the time. Despite the fact that we had some really fun evenings, I knew I had to shut the whole thing down.

(Not to mention he referred to his penis as “Him.” Shudder.)

Except, everything went wrong:

He answered Skype naked. NAKED. So, I broke up with a naked person.
He informed me that his primary had just broken up with him this week, so I felt awful…
…UNTIL he tried to persuade me to dump my boyfriend and be his girlfriend…
… which started with the phrase “no offense to your boyfriend, but…”
He did that sketchy thing of sort of like, “oh, but we can still like talk and text and do all the stuff we were already doing, right?” (No.)

So, ah, that was my evening. I broke up with a penis.

I’m going to go eat some cookies now.

So I’m coming out as poly right now over text to one of my best friends

Let’s see how this goes.

Eek.

Sir and I went out on dates last night with other people.

His went amazing.

Mine was…well, refer to the photo.

Sometimes, I can’t help but feel selfish.

Yeah, there’s a feelings rant going up on here. Bear with me or just ignore it.

It just have a much easier time articulating my feelings in writing than I have ever have out loud. Especially in writing not directed to anyone in particular. And this is the only diary I’ve ever been able to keep, so, here goes.

When feelings start to come out, I always feel selfish. That’s how I get. Partially because I worry I’ll be hurting a friendship by inserting myself into the middle of it and partially because he says he doesn’t want or need to see anybody else regularly beyond some threesomes and sharing.

So, because I feel selfish, I don’t articulate myself. Because I am scared of seeming too demanding or needy. And I’ve never been good with conflict. I have this terrible all-or-nothing instinct where I think a single disagreement will completely destroy everything. And so I back out and try to please everyone.

My therapist says in the mess of that, my own feelings get lost. Which is something that goes on in terms of my family, my friends and my activities. I am incredibly cautious with the people I care about and neglect to articulate my needs because I worry somehow I’ll come across as selfish. So, I’m kind of a failure at communication.

The issue is resolved for the most part, but ugh. I don’t know.

When I was driving home from the gym, this song came on the radio. SG had sent it to me a month or so after it came out. That enough sort of stung, but then:

“Well, I know that I’m not all that you got. I guess that I, I just thought, you and me would find new ways to fall apart.”

Elle once told me radios were psychic like that. Once, when she and I were fighting in her car, our song came on the radio and she patted the dashboard with a chuckle.

It all sort of felt like a cruel joke.

But it was really those words that got to me. I had never been too upset about his girlfriend beyond the occasional hiccup, never cared about his other hookups at all. This one made me feel gutted. I thought of them, briefly, together, and I actually felt nauseous.

And so I started screaming in traffic. Windows up, of course.

I’m heading out in a bit to a friend’s 21st birthday. Hopefully it will take my mind off of everything. Odds are, I’ll probably need someone carrying me home tonight. Whatever.

Ivy out.

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)