This disgusts me so much I want it.
Sometimes I wish I were a smoker just so I could degrade my girls like this.
I never thought I’d be able to see him use the phrase “my girls” and not feel like it looks unnatural. I guess I’m growing up or something.
So, I realize even though I’ve told you some stuff about my adventures with Woody, I really haven’t told you all that much about him and what’s still going on there.
He’s back in my old city. We get along really, really well, even though sometimes his inner straight white boy shows. But, he’s really sweet and funny, and I would be lying if I said he didn’t eat pussy like a champ.
He and I text every so often and go on Skype, and recently we had a talk about sort of what we are and how to proceed with long distance secondaryship, what our needs are, etc. I don’t know. It’s good now and I guess it’ll be good until it isn’t?
Oddly, he’s kind of into a very basic sort of kink, and I’m most interested in him and attracted to him when our clothes on and we’re just talking. Which is not to say that we don’t do really well with our clothes off, as well. But, it’s this strange kind of dynamic where I can talk to him for three hours about mutual interests and it feels like we’ve only been talking for five minutes, and the actual sexual interaction isn’t nearly as stimulating as that sort of stuff is.
So the guy I went out with the other night and messed around with tonight just informed me that apparently his primary partner is not all right with what went down. While they’d talked it all out and whatnot beforehand, she’s really upset and uncomfortable, so he may not be able to see me anymore.
Which, ugh, sucks. Because I feel guilty, even though I know this isn’t my fault. And it stinks because I have to go to this munch alone tomorrow, which terrifies me. And I was like happy to think I’d found someone to have fun with out here.
Sigh. I hate this.
OH SO WAS NOBODY GOING TO TELL ME THAT HER HAD A SECRET POLY PLOTLINE THAT WAS JUST WAITING TO DESTROY ME?
No, I’m not even gonna get all “thar be spoilers.”
I just. Ugh. I can’t.
I just used the phrase “you know how he is about buttholes” in reference to my boyfriend while talking to his secondary.
Goddammit if that isn’t the reason ethical non-monogamy exists, I can’t think of another.
Because who the hell else am I going to have this conversation with?
Let’s see how this goes.
Eek.
Last night, for the first time, I watched Sir experience the sort of feelings I’ve been going to in facing our ethical non-monogamy.
When it comes to Daddy, Sir never has a problem. I’m not sure if it’s just that Daddy is a girl or that Daddy and I have been friends for a while, but Sir has always been encouraging and unintimidated about my relationship with her.
But, last night, Sir expressed that he wished I hadn’t stayed out so late with him, even if I was only out until 12:30. When he followed up by saying he might feel safer for me if he met the guy I was seeing, he stopped himself and decided he wasn’t sure whether or not he would actually want to meet him. As we talked, I saw glimpses of the jealousy and fear I had been experiencing with him.
And, as awful as that sounds, it felt great.
Sir sees two other girls besides me, though I am his primary partner, his girlfriend, etc. While I know what I mean to him, it is always difficult to be one hundred percent secure in my place in our relationship. I’m sometimes worried he’ll decide someone is better or that I could be replaced. And now to be the one in this position where I watch my boyfriend trying to figure out the security of his place in our relationship while I just sit back and enjoy is some selfish fun. It’s nice to feel sexy and desired and not the one worrying back at home.
What’s more, I’m hoping this will make us both more empathetic to each other’s concerns. I’m learning that yeah, just like I wouldn’t replace Sir with this guy, Sir won’t replace me. And he’s hopefully learning that my fears are not irrational at all.
So, the other day I met one of Sir’s partners on Skype. The two of them had recently been out with each other and I had gotten really anxious in the middle and broke down and called him up. I wasn’t proud of it, but I just get scared.
Basically, she meets a lot of the stuff that I really can’t for Sir. And so my head runs through all these crazy possibilities like, “oh my gosh he’s going to realize that she’s better at this and that and he’s going to be done with me.” I recognize I’ve got a serious fear of abandonment, which naturally goes just peachy with ethical non-monogamy.
But, when Sir and I sat down to talk, I wound up just getting really shy. I was a little embarrassed about having placed the call the other day while they were together and I’m just generally a kind of shy person. So, I kept hiding my face and getting nervous.
For the most part, I was a nervous, shy mess. But, we all kind of flirted a little and, gosh, I don’t know. I think I’d be down for doing something as the three of us. I just need to sort out some of my anxieties and remember that in the same way none of my partners will “replace” any other, the same holds true for Sir.
It’s kind of alarming that even in the face of the logic of my own non-monogamy, I can’t shake that feeling of inadequacy or precariousness in my primary relationship.
So, I went out on another date with this gent.
Once again, it went really, really well. To the point that he ended up giving me a spanking in his car and then held me afterwards.
So, yeah, tumblr. I don’t know. Maybe this is the start of something interesting.
It was supposed to rain yesterday and it didn’t. It felt like one of those April days where you get a brief respite from the rain and everything is green and lush and, for a brief moment, you start to remember what warm weather felt like.
I’ve got a busy day today, but I had a really, really good date last night. It’s the first time I kind of did ethical non-monogamy with the training wheels off (as in, without Sir or Daddy there) and felt it was successful (as opposed to the snoozer the other day.) I’m excited about the potential with this person, but I’m also just proud of myself for being brave and letting go of my anxieties about doing this stuff by myself.
The green return