❄️Happy Holidays❄️
lights
Merry Christmas, tumblr. Hoping you all have a wonderful day with your families, biological or chosen or otherwise.
I was on my first date with Nilla when it happened. We were walking down the street. He was holding my hand. We rounded a corner and bumped into my friend, hair tied on top of her head, yoga mat under her arm.
“Hey,” she said.
We both greeted her and as we walked away, trying to hide my panic, I asked if Nilla knew her. He didn’t.
Once I had gotten home, I quickly called her up and asked if she wanted to get a cup of coffee. I wanted to explain why I had been walking around holding a guy’s hand who wasn’t my boyfriend’s and I realized that I would probably have to out myself to her if I wanted to genuinely address what she had seen. She said we could meet that evening.
The rest of the day, I was nervous. By the time we got together, I’d rehearsed a thousand versions of my explanation. Recently, I’d been at a party and kissed a cute girl in front of a friend, who called me a week later to say she wasn’t sure how to respond to the fact that she’d seen me cheat on my boyfriend. I’d explained to her our situation, and she was supportive, even saying that the nature of our relationship proved its strength.
But this particular friend I had barely known a year. I wasn’t sure how she would react. With nothing to lose but maybe some respect, I was honest. The cafes were full, so we met up at a place that could best be described as half-assed stoner fast food. Nervous and a little disgusted, I barely touched what I ordered.
“Oh,” she replied and shrugged, “you two looked happy. Does your boyfriend see other people, too?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
“Cool,” she said. And that was the end of that.
Merry Christmas to my followers who celebrate it.
Sweetheart says she’s ready for Santa to come visit tonight.
She’s been practicing all year.
I’m going to interrupt my sexy story about Switch to talk about my feelings. Feel free to skip this one. But, it’s my blog and I have a lot of feelings lately and they’re pretty hard to express to my friends, who don’t really get polyamory for the most part.
I told my therapist about what happened with SG. I told him that what Elle did was really hurtful, but what was even more hurtful is how he treated the whole thing. He said he understood why I was hurt, but has done nothing really substantial to try to repair that. Instead, he’s acting like it didn’t happen. He called me to discuss the Mad Men season finale, he bought my favorite book to read and told me about it, he sends me random articles. I’ve gotten so disgusted by it that I’ve stopped answering his texts.
“I think you’re stuck between wanting to seem like you don’t expect anything and actually expecting something from someone who means a lot to you,” my therapist says, “it all goes back to you not wanting to inconvenience anyone with your feelings.”
I started crying. “I just want somebody to care about me and to respect me and, god, this is going to sound so cliché but I just want to be loved.” I felt pathetic. I hated being this basic and sad. I felt like a typical romcom whiner. “I just want him to give me the apology I deserve and really feel genuine remorse about it.”
It snowballed into me cleaning out my room, finding an old letter from an ex who I’m still friends with and treats me with more respect than freaking SG does, collapsing into sob songs like this winner and this champ, and then destroying his imagined face during kickboxing. So, yeah, not my brightest moments.
I’m still stuck on just what my therapist was saying. With how assertive I am in other things, I’m shocked in how easily I let the people I care about trample all over me.
“It’s like,” she had said, “you’re not drawing the line between sexually submitting to them and appeasing them everywhere else. And you shouldn’t be doing the first for someone who is going to let you do the second.”
Sigh.
ughs:
I am trying hard to not get attached.
Filed under: things I’d like to find under the tree.
Merry Christmas, tumblr.
‘Tis the season for Camille to make you jolly!
Wow!
The Holiday Party, Part 1
Saturday night, my good friend hosted a holiday party at her apartment down where she goes to school. Originally, I wasn’t going to go because of the issue of travel and the like, but my good friend, Septum – who I have mentioned a bit on here without naming her – decided she was down, too. So, the two of us left our respective universities to head down and party it up with my friend. Let’s call her Ren.
We got down a little earlier and helped Ren, her boyfriend, and her roommates set up. The DJ she’d hired looked a lot like Ryan Gosling. It was a little uncanny.
“Does anybody else live in this building?” I asked. It was a smaller complex.
Ren’s boyfriend nodded, “yeah, two of the nicest gay guys ever live upstairs. I invited them. Maybe you’ll see them later.”
Septum was already hard at work on mixing some drinks when the first guests came and was being a little more than liberal with the rum. I joined her, but tried to pace myself. It was going to be a long night, in the best way possible.