I should mention that Sir and I are starting to explore something new with our dynamic. A few years ago, I used to like being more of a “slave” than a “sub,” but I got burned pretty hard by some people and it drove me away. I got really, really scared about putting that much trust in someone like that again, and so I completely resisted entering into that sort of dynamic again. But, I’ve always craved it and wished I could have it.

A few weeks ago, I admitted this to Sir. I was stressed out and I was craving that release of just serving someone. I kept asking him to just take control and he kept asking me what I meant. The whole time, I was shaking because I was so scared to let myself feel that again. But, I admitted it to him.

I told him about how I wanted to feel more like property, about how cherished that used to make me feel. I admitted I used to let myself get pushed deeper into subspace, that I used to hold off on backing out of beatings just because they started to really hurt, that I used to value obedience and service. But I had my trust betrayed and I completely withdrew and closed off to it. 

It’s been a process of me first admitting this to myself, and now admitting it to him. Sir has been so patient and loving and I’m so proud to be owned by him. I have no interest in calling him Master, but we’ve been exploring that new dynamic now. And I get super nervous when we do, but I’m excited. And I’m so, so happy I can start to trust someone that way again.