Pup and I are headed to our first munch in our new city today. It’s been over six months and we feel about ready to branch out into the kink community here.
I’m so, so happy to be going with him. I had to do this by myself in the last new city I moved to, and it’s amazing to be able to have him by my side for this situation.
But I’m still so flipping nervous.
Insolence, Part One
A week after the party, Pup and I were in the car headed towards Rex’s place. He lived rather close to Azure, and so it was fairly convenient for Pup to arrange an evening with her while I went to see Rex.
I know this sounds absurd, but I was nervous that this was going to be awful. We had crazy heat-of-the-moment sex at a party, and while that involves a certain kind of chemistry, it doesn’t really guarantee that we’d have any sort of chemistry sitting down and just talking. Or, you know, having sex that wasn’t crazy porno impulse sex.
Also, I wasn’t that sure he was kinky. Which I wish I could say isn’t a total dealbreaker for me, but I’m busy. And I hate to say that I don’t want to give away time unless I’m totally into it, but, well, yeah. I have a job that’s pretty demanding and, as it stands, my free time is rather limited. So, okay, I’ve been kind of triaging people and interests. For as selfish as it feels, one of my good friends insists that this is a form of self-care.
So my worst-case scenario was I get there, we have nothing to talk about, we either have some tepid sex or just stare at each other in total discomfort. I expressed this in the car to Pup, and he replied, “you have to stop insisting that everything is going to be terrible.”
There was certainly evidence that it wouldn’t be. Rex and I had been texting a little during the week, and the tone had been pretty playful. He was clever, but kind of full of it. Not to mention I legitimately could not get even remotely one iota of a plan out of him as to what to do, so I didn’t know what to wear. (Yeah, I know, shut up.)
I’d decided on the outfit I’d literally worn the day before to work, mostly because an intern turned to me in the elevator and said, “I’m sorry if this is weird but you look incredible.” So, I took her word for it and just washed the blue dress that managed to skim my curves without looking tight or inappropriate and lint-rolled the blazer. Also, I wanted to look like I’d come right from work (it was a Friday) and hadn’t given much of a fuck. (In reality, I’d had time to go home, eat a quick dinner, walk the dog and change clothes.) But then Rex threw this curveball to wear comfortable shoes and I was thrown for a little bit of a loop. My comfortable shoes are my workout shoes. So I wore boots and figured we weren’t hiking. Or hoped we weren’t.
“Just enjoy yourself,” Pup added. “Don’t think too much about it.”
I’m going to barre tomorrow morning with two of my friends for the very first time. We thought it would be a fun thing to do together this summer.
I am super nervous, but a little bit excited. I am the kind of person who hates being new at things and can’t stand not being able to do something well. If nothing else, this will be an exercise in letting go.
Does anyone trawling this blog happen to do it?
The Party Sub, Part One
It was the first time I was wearing garters and I had bought entirely the wrong kind of stockings for them. They were thigh highs, but I was in such a rush that I didn’t ensure they would attach correctly to the bustier I was wearing. So, they took a while to force and my first few attempts were fruitless. By the time I reached the party, all but one had detached themselves.
I was incredibly nervous as Sir and I rounded the block towards the apartment. The past week, I had looked over the Facebook event and at the faces of people and how everyone seemed to know each other. I realized, aside from maybe three people that we knew, Sir and I would be walking into this cold.
Otherwise, everyone seemed to know each other, seemed so unreasonably attractive, seemed to totally have their shit together. Sir and I were on the younger side for the group and both had some anxieties about entering into what seemed to be a pretty established little posse.
The structure of the party was that prior to midnight we’d have time to mingle with people before the clothes came off and the fun began. But, I’m pretty awful at mingling, especially if there’s some kind of an agenda behind it. Not to say I had an agenda, but to say that it would be kind of hard to avoid that these people would be naked in a little over two hours.
“Don’t be so nervous, sweetheart,” Sir said as we approached the door. I fidgeted with the remaining strapped garter under my dress and it snapped off of the stocking.
We buzzed ourselves in and started up the stairs. In front of the door was a rack for shoes and another for our coats. After we had shed both, I gave Sir a kiss and he reached out to knock on the door.
I should mention that Sir and I are starting to explore something new with our dynamic. A few years ago, I used to like being more of a “slave” than a “sub,” but I got burned pretty hard by some people and it drove me away. I got really, really scared about putting that much trust in someone like that again, and so I completely resisted entering into that sort of dynamic again. But, I’ve always craved it and wished I could have it.
A few weeks ago, I admitted this to Sir. I was stressed out and I was craving that release of just serving someone. I kept asking him to just take control and he kept asking me what I meant. The whole time, I was shaking because I was so scared to let myself feel that again. But, I admitted it to him.
I told him about how I wanted to feel more like property, about how cherished that used to make me feel. I admitted I used to let myself get pushed deeper into subspace, that I used to hold off on backing out of beatings just because they started to really hurt, that I used to value obedience and service. But I had my trust betrayed and I completely withdrew and closed off to it.
It’s been a process of me first admitting this to myself, and now admitting it to him. Sir has been so patient and loving and I’m so proud to be owned by him. I have no interest in calling him Master, but we’ve been exploring that new dynamic now. And I get super nervous when we do, but I’m excited. And I’m so, so happy I can start to trust someone that way again.
A little bit of nerves is a healthy thing, really.
Craftsmate is coming to visit today.
We made a little arrangement that after I’ve kissed him “hello,” we’re going to try to have the dynamic going full-on today. Taking our dynamic out of the bedroom is something we’ve discussed wanting to do and so we’re giving it a try for the day.
I’m a little nervous, but pretty excited. Wish me luck!
Cats Don’t Do the Dishes, Part One
Craftsmate had been asking about my plug a lot in the past week or so when I got the text about what to do when I came to his room. I had arranged to hang out with him and mess around a bit that lazy Sunday afternoon, but I had never received instructions like this from him before.
He had said that I should come over to his place, strip down immediately once I had gotten through the door and let myself into his bedroom. I considered that I was fine with the idea of doing this, even if it was madly blush-inducing. I even got a little ballsy and put my plug in.
As I was getting ready to go, I stole a glance into the mirror and saw the blush burn in my cheeks. Walking over to Craftsmate’s place, I got so anxious I had to put my headphones in and play music to distract myself. I was sure people could see right through my blush, though I knew it was a completely ludicrous assumption to make that blushing girl equals plugged ass.
When I reached his place, I set my backpack down and took a look around. His roommates weren’t home and the shades of the living area were drawn. I stripped down to everything but my panties, walked into the kitchen and had a glass of water. Steeling myself, I walked over to the door to his bedroom and pulled it open.
Chained, Part Eight
Once I had reached my limit of being flogged, caned and spanked, Penthouse brought me down onto my knees on the floor in front of them. “Do you want some time alone with her?” He asked as Popcorn sat down on the floor across from me.
“Yeah,” she said. “Would you mind?"
"Not at all,” he replied, “you okay with that, Ivy?” He looked to me and I nodded, a blush rising in my cheeks. I had not been dominated by a woman in quite a while and the idea of being alone with her was equally exciting and scary. I barely knew this girl, but I thought well of her and was glad I had met her on a vanilla level first. That, at least, made things a little less strange and feel a little safer.
Penthouse left the room and Popcorn picked my blindfold up from the table, buckling it over my eyes. She wiped some drool from the corner of my gag with her thumb and I blushed even deeper.
“Do you like playing with girls?” She asked as she eased the front of my nightgown down, exposing my breasts.
“Mmhmmm,” I replied around the ballgag, nodding.
She pulled a bit lower and I knew she could see the vague traces of the ‘whore’ that had been traced into my stomach. I heard her chuckle and turned my head away, somewhat ashamed, until her fingers clamped down on my left nipple. Her free hand rose to my right shoulder as if to will me to face her, even if I could not see her.
There was a moment where I could feel myself shaking against her and realized that she was shaking, too. Her hand was trembling against my already trembling shoulder. The idea that we were both a little nervous, I don’t know. There was something kind of beautiful and sort of intimate about it.
She played with my nipples for a bit before I heard her take out her phone. A few minutes later, Penthouse came back in and asked if she had enjoyed herself.
“Oh, definitely,” she replied, “I’m just not sure what to do with her nipples.”
“Oh,” Penthouse answered and I could hear him crossing the room. “Here, let me show you something fun.”
Chained, Part Four
Popcorn reached down and petted my hair, making me blush even more. She tried to ask me questions, things I can’t really remember, and I just kept stammering out anxious answers.
Reading how I was feeling, Penthouse picked up my ballgag and walked over to me. “You want your gag?"
I nodded eagerly, opening my mouth. I wanted to be on the leash, I liked what was going on, but I was a little overwhelmed. Without having to worry about talking, some of the pressure was off and I could just enjoy myself.
He knelt down and pushed the ball between my teeth before buckling tightly behind my head. I felt myself exhale hard, the anxiety leaving my body. Having the necessity of speech taken, I could focus a little harder, even if I already felt like I was floating.
Reaching for the Taboo buzzer, he placed it in my right hand and made me give it a test squeeze. "What are you going to do if it gets too much?” he asked, nurturing to a point that it was hot. I blushed and squeezed the buzzer. He smiled and patted my head. “Good girl.”
“So,” Penthouse said as he got to his feet, “what should we do with her?”
12*Sep24…✈…★roses★