I need to go to another party.
I’m getting addicted to feeling brave.
brave
Sweetheart got brave and invited a little friend over for some fun,
but the second the door swung open, she got a little bashful.
I’m teasing Sir on Skype right now.
This was what I wore, with fishnets, during a certain threesome with him and SG that I need to work up the nerve to write about already.
(Please ignore the bruise on my inner thigh, I dropped a freaking kettlebell into my lap.)
I should mention that Sir and I are starting to explore something new with our dynamic. A few years ago, I used to like being more of a “slave” than a “sub,” but I got burned pretty hard by some people and it drove me away. I got really, really scared about putting that much trust in someone like that again, and so I completely resisted entering into that sort of dynamic again. But, I’ve always craved it and wished I could have it.
A few weeks ago, I admitted this to Sir. I was stressed out and I was craving that release of just serving someone. I kept asking him to just take control and he kept asking me what I meant. The whole time, I was shaking because I was so scared to let myself feel that again. But, I admitted it to him.
I told him about how I wanted to feel more like property, about how cherished that used to make me feel. I admitted I used to let myself get pushed deeper into subspace, that I used to hold off on backing out of beatings just because they started to really hurt, that I used to value obedience and service. But I had my trust betrayed and I completely withdrew and closed off to it.
It’s been a process of me first admitting this to myself, and now admitting it to him. Sir has been so patient and loving and I’m so proud to be owned by him. I have no interest in calling him Master, but we’ve been exploring that new dynamic now. And I get super nervous when we do, but I’m excited. And I’m so, so happy I can start to trust someone that way again.
I miss the summer, when he’d take me to the park sometimes and we’d find somewhere grassy and still and quiet. I miss closing my eyes and smelling just how green the grass was, being teased about my dirty feet. I miss how -when at the slightest suggestion that someone was coming I would bolt up and tug my skirt down – he told me that even if I was a little bit of a scaredy-cat, I was still a little floozy.
The first time I ever cried for Sir in a D/s context was when he pushed my face into a plate and wiped food all over my face while I was being a kitty for him. We were dating, right on the cusp of becoming some kind of an official couple, and I react rather strongly to degradation. So, I cursed at him and whimpered and started crying. And then I asked him to do it again.
He says he wants to make me cry like that, but push me harder. Humiliation and degradation aren’t really my favorite things, but mostly because I’ve had some pretty rotten experiences with other people. I want to trust that he will handle the aftercare properly and he won’t trigger anything weird, but I’m scared. He knows it, too, and has been really patient and open and loving about negotiating it.
So I want to be brave when I see him in December and let him push me really hard. In his words, I’ve been “braver and braver” lately and I want to be able to trust him.
I keep a coin jar to keep track of all the times kitten has been a good girl. Yesterday she earned her first penny.
I was a brave girl yesterday.
I like getting used in the afternoon.
With the pretty sun shining in
and the mood easy and unassuming.
I feel braver.
When Sir arrived on Saturday, I picked him up and gave him a little time to shower off, have some lunch and get his bearings. Then, I told him I had a surprise and took him on a hike with me. It was a pretty afternoon, so I figured we should take advantage of the weather.
There were some people on the trails, but when I had gotten him somewhat alone, I showed him that I had a little bit of rope and some condoms in my bag.
“Brave girl,” he teased and we went a bit deeper, trying to find somewhere that would be a little less easy to get caught in. Apparently, a lot of people had the same idea to enjoy the nice weather.
While we were looking, we heard a rustle in the brush. Sir took hold of my shoulder and pointed to a deer a few yards ahead of us. We made eye-contact with the buck for a while before he continued along, as did we.
A few minutes later, we encountered this really graceful doe, followed by a little fawn who wasn’t quite used to its legs yet. I got all excited and we stopped and watched them for a while. It was the absolute best.
We couldn’t find total privacy and I was too nervous to do much, but I did give him a blowjob out there. I liked how he called me a dirty girl for sucking his cock in public, but I have to admit my favorite part was the deer.