“while Elizabeth is performing her heart out”
Two tiddlywinks.
crying
The first time I ever cried for Sir in a D/s context was when he pushed my face into a plate and wiped food all over my face while I was being a kitty for him. We were dating, right on the cusp of becoming some kind of an official couple, and I react rather strongly to degradation. So, I cursed at him and whimpered and started crying. And then I asked him to do it again.
He says he wants to make me cry like that, but push me harder. Humiliation and degradation aren’t really my favorite things, but mostly because I’ve had some pretty rotten experiences with other people. I want to trust that he will handle the aftercare properly and he won’t trigger anything weird, but I’m scared. He knows it, too, and has been really patient and open and loving about negotiating it.
So I want to be brave when I see him in December and let him push me really hard. In his words, I’ve been “braver and braver” lately and I want to be able to trust him.
Thoughts (Not Sexy Ones)
StandardSo, I had a good cry today.
I’m not really much of a crier. It takes a hell of a lot to get tears out of me. Sometimes, I actually want the relief of crying and the tears just don’t come.
But, I cried today – a real, heavy, fully realized cry – for the first time since I moved here.
It was brought on by the fact that the bus that I was trying to take to the gym wound up taking me five miles away from my place and nowhere even close to my gym. By the time I realized that this bus had taken the wonkiest route ever, completely ignoring the schedule listed on the transit website, I was somewhere fairly foreign. Right after I was able to vaguely figure out how to get home on my phone, my cell promptly died.
The walk was long and, despite my best efforts, I couldn’t seem to find a bus headed in the opposite direction. Everything is so spread out here and I’m not used to that yet. Being without a car here, while at first glance seemed manageable, makes stuff difficult.
When I got in the door, I started crying. Not because of the silly erratic bus schedule, that has already let me down twice since Monday. For the first time, I acknowledged how far away from home I am. I’ve never lived this far from everything I’ve known. Before this, almost my entire life could be contained in a two and a half hour radius, give or take.
Now, I’m out here. And I’m happy to be here, I’m having an amazing time. But, I’m far away from my family, my friends, my boyfriend, a public transit system I knew like the back of my hand. For as much as I’m enjoying myself, I haven’t really stopped to take my entire situation in and acknowledge that this has been a big change and I am allowed to have feelings about it.
So, I let it out of my system today and I’m proud of myself. I’m usually one to say I’m not allowed to feel like A because B is going so well.
Afterwards, I washed off the mascara from my face and gave myself a brutal workout at home, which helped blow off the rest of the steam (and got even more makeup running down my face – yuck).
I’ve mentioned this blog is my only journal. So, consider this one of those lame diary entries you have to sift through to find the good stuff. But, it was good stuff for me.
Here’s to acknowledging change.
subtied : Sensi Pearl and James Deen for Sex and Submission [video]
Haven’t watched this one but the captions make it seem like a genuine (and nicely uncontrived) check-in during a scene…well done.
Definitely a check-in, and having seen this video I can tell you that it’s not the only one and that they seamlessly integrate into the plot. It’s one of the best scenes I’ve ever seen.
I’ve experienced check-ins mid-scene, and honestly? They were really sexy. Super touching, really intimate, and affirmation for both parties.
You don’t have to stop everything, it’s not about breaking character. It’s just an acknowledgment that what’s happening is intense, maybe difficult, and it gives you both the opportunity to acknowledge that and reinforce the connection before you plunge back in.
This is one of my favorite porns to watch. And I usually don’t really enjoy most video porn.
And I realize now that it’s because of the way the whole scene is framed. It’s not just the “two pornstars doing a locker-room fantasy consensual nonconsent” scene. It’s a boyfriend and girlfriend, played by two pornstars, performing one of her fantasies. And he checks in with her and makes sure she’s okay.
Ugh, leave it to me to get cheesy about a porn.
It’s strange that I can look at an image like this and actually feel longing. Because I’ve been taken fairly close to there before, and when the person with me knew how to handle it, it was incredibly satisfying. It’s hard to describe without sounding needy or fucked up or dependent or a lot of the other critiques of people who identify as submissive.
But, it’s just in the way he holds her, the way she leans on him, how the chain doesn’t come off. He’ll assure her of how good she was and how proud she made him. She’ll have the opportunity to just let it out. There’s an arrangement there. There’s intimacy.
The problem, sometimes, is that I want to enjoy all of it. Even the punishment. And so it’s not really punishment at all. It’s more like a reward for being bad. So, when the moment arises that I actually get punished, I try my hardest to get out of it. I guess I’m just a brat.