southern gentleman

Gallery

I had a text exchange with the Southern Gentleman, who likes to pretend our little fiasco didn’t happen and tries to talk to me normally. Which, ugh, I don’t know. Maybe that’s a good thing. He tried to uncomfortably sext me about three weeks ago and I was literally disgusted.

Recently, I made an okcupid account since there isn’t much else to do around here and I have what should be a really great date coming up with what seems like an awesome, smart, sane guy. But, when SG asked me if I was seeing anyone while he was texting me today, I responded with: “no, the only relationship I’m in is with my numerous vices.”

“I hope to be one of those vices,” he texted right back.

I rolled my eyes and texted: “I bet you do.”

SG replied with: “Look at you, all coy.”

It’s funny how guys can sometimes confuse coyness and ambivalence.

Gallery

So, just because I’m completely turned off to SG as a person doesn’t mean I can’t still use him as masturbatory fodder.

Allow me to explain.

We did some really hot stuff. And while he’s causing me a lot of pain right now, sometimes I think about that stuff. And to avoid doing more damage by responding to some of his advances, I just masturbate it out.

Recently, I thought about this time I had to finish this paper and he wanted to mess around. I was procrastinating like crazy and he got so frustrated he said, “put your hand between your legs right now and touch your cunt.” I rolled my eyes and did it. “That’s the last time you’re touching it until you’re done with your paper. And when you’re done I’ll touch it for you.” He left and made me text him every time I finished a page. 

I figure, hopefully, I’ll get this stuff out of my system. It doesn’t help there isn’t much (in the ways of people) to do around here.

Gallery

I’m going to interrupt my sexy story about Switch to talk about my feelings. Feel free to skip this one. But, it’s my blog and I have a lot of feelings lately and they’re pretty hard to express to my friends, who don’t really get polyamory for the most part.

I told my therapist about what happened with SG. I told him that what Elle did was really hurtful, but what was even more hurtful is how he treated the whole thing. He said he understood why I was hurt, but has done nothing really substantial to try to repair that. Instead, he’s acting like it didn’t happen. He called me to discuss the Mad Men season finale, he bought my favorite book to read and told me about it, he sends me random articles. I’ve gotten so disgusted by it that I’ve stopped answering his texts.

“I think you’re stuck between wanting to seem like you don’t expect anything and actually expecting something from someone who means a lot to you,” my therapist says, “it all goes back to you not wanting to inconvenience anyone with your feelings.”

I started crying. “I just want somebody to care about me and to respect me and, god, this is going to sound so cliché but I just want to be loved.” I felt pathetic. I hated being this basic and sad. I felt like a typical romcom whiner. “I just want him to give me the apology I deserve and really feel genuine remorse about it.”

It snowballed into me cleaning out my room, finding an old letter from an ex who I’m still friends with and treats me with more respect than freaking SG does, collapsing into sob songs like this winner and this champ, and then destroying his imagined face during kickboxing. So, yeah, not my brightest moments.

I’m still stuck on just what my therapist was saying. With how assertive I am in other things, I’m shocked in how easily I let the people I care about trample all over me.

“It’s like,” she had said, “you’re not drawing the line between sexually submitting to them and appeasing them everywhere else. And you shouldn’t be doing the first for someone who is going to let you do the second.”

Sigh.

ughs:

I am trying hard to not get attached.

Since apparently SG will sleep with anything…

Chat

The thief: I sort of wish I could hug you, wrap you in a blanket and feed you pizza and cheap red wine.
Me: Ugh, you’re going to make me cry.
The thief: I’m really not sure I can cheer you up, unless i do the following: I hereby solemnly swear that I will never, ever, EVER hook up with SG behind your back.

Video

When I was driving home from the gym, this song came on the radio. SG had sent it to me a month or so after it came out. That enough sort of stung, but then:

“Well, I know that I’m not all that you got. I guess that I, I just thought, you and me would find new ways to fall apart.”

Elle once told me radios were psychic like that. Once, when she and I were fighting in her car, our song came on the radio and she patted the dashboard with a chuckle.

It all sort of felt like a cruel joke.

But it was really those words that got to me. I had never been too upset about his girlfriend beyond the occasional hiccup, never cared about his other hookups at all. This one made me feel gutted. I thought of them, briefly, together, and I actually felt nauseous.

And so I started screaming in traffic. Windows up, of course. 

I’m heading out in a bit to a friend’s 21st birthday. Hopefully it will take my mind off of everything. Odds are, I’ll probably need someone carrying me home tonight. Whatever.

Ivy out.

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)
Gallery

I just went to the gym to blow off some steam and came back to find my askbox blown up with messages. Thank you, followers, for caring and for reaching out to me about this SG snafu today. 

I guess I’m upset for two reasons. One, the more obvious, is that this “friend” did this to me for the reasons she did. Maybe I should clarify. She’s not simply my friend. It’s Elle, my ex-girlfriend. She was actually the person to introduce me to SG and had become super resentful of how close we are. "It annoys me so much that I’m the one who introduced you two,“ she said to me once.

They were never as close as he and I are. And, honestly, I put a lot of the good about her on this tumblr, but she had done and said some pretty fucked up things in our relationship. There were a lot of times she asked me to forgive her for things that could be chalked up to verbal/emotional abuse and I did, while she held grudges for things like SG and I having a genuine connection.

What can I say? I’m the fucking giving tree. I’m too accommodating sometimes. Oh, you took my leaves? That’s okay, you seem sorry about it, have my branches, too.

So, she went without telling me and then put a picture she took of him on her phone while there on Facebook. It’s such a nasty move. She sits around and says things like, "it’s funny that we were in a relationship because now I feel like our friendship is so deep” but it’s clear that she resents me. She’s not subtle about it.

And then, number two, that the Southern Gentleman went ahead and did this. She didn’t force him. Maybe he’s away from his girlfriend and most of his friends and working actually a little ways away from home, maybe he knew her first, but I still can’t believe he’d just go ahead and do that with her. 

“Do you understand why I’m hurt?” I asked him after he apologized earlier.

“I do,” he replied.

It still stings.

Gallery

Someone fairly close to me went ahead and hooked up with the Southern Gentleman. I know I don’t control him. I know he’s not mine. He hooks up a lot and that’s not my problem with the situation.

My problem is she has the money and the means to fly down to his home and visit him now that school is out and he’s home. And that, while I don’t want to get into the particulars on here, she is doing it to spite me. Which really, really hurts.

It only hurt more when I confronted him about it and, I admit, crossed a line. We’re not together, but it’s different when it comes to this girl. But, when I got judgmental, he snapped and told me it was “none of my damn business” and to not “pry if I was going to be critical”. 

He apologized and I apologized, but I’m still very upset. Because I want to have a thick skin about everything but then something like this makes me so fragile. For a lot of reasons, some of which I don’t feel prepared at all to face.

Gallery

So, odds are that viewer was not SG. As we talked tonight. And he’s the type to bring it up.

He did, ironically, suggest we make a blog together. But about something non-sexual. Because I tested the waters with, “people keep suggesting I make a blog but I don’t know what it would be about.” So. Yeah. Hah.

But, just to make sure it’s not SG, I’m going to post all the things about him that kind of annoy me. Because I have been far too nice to him on this tumblr.

  1. When I get too lazy to walk further down the hall and use the nearby men’s room instead and he decides to come in and pretend to be a stranger. Because he knows I won’t leave the stall until the other person leaves for fear of awkwardly getting caught. And so he just doesn’t leave and then starts laughing at me.
  2. When he comments on random pictures of me on facebook with the phrase “boobs”.
  3. The fact that he has effectively charmed my mother and formed a friendship with her completely independent of ours. And so they have fun ganging up on me.
  4. How sometimes he forgets context and calls me “slut”. Usually over text message. Usually when I’ve done something well. Usually in the phrasing: “Congratulations, slut.”
  5. When he calls me a dirty communist/hippy/vegetarian.
  6. When he declares that he’s the 1%.
  7. Numbers 5 and 6, when they happen during sex.
  8. When he intentionally says something blatantly offensive that he obviously doesn’t believe just to see me get angry and then laugh about how easily he got me upset.

Now do you all see what I have to put up with?

Gallery

“Admit that I’m your favorite,” I told the Southern Gentleman last night, teasingly.

He smirked, “shut up and give me your cunt." 

I sat back and moved my panties aside, starting to rub my clit. "Nah, I think I’m just going to take care of myself.”

“You,” he said, “and your tight little cunt and your hot little mouth are my favorite.”

“Oh, now you’re just saying that,” I pouted.

“Ivy.”

“I don’t know, the last time I wanted you I didn’t get what I wanted,” I slid a finger in slowly and dipped my head back, “so I think I may just spend some alone time with your favorite little cunt. You can watch.”

“Darling, if I fucked you every time one of us was aroused, we’d never get anything done,” he replied, “and that’s why you’re my favorite.”