Sir’s gone and I don’t even wanna go home because he won’t be there.
We got into a little argument before he left because I get all crazy about travel plans and he is a little more lax about being on time for his bus out of here. I freaked out because we were running late and he was kind of chugging along.
He made it, but I’m all sad our last hour together was stressful. Especially since it’ll be six weeks until I see him again.
Sigh.
I’m going to interrupt my sexy story about Switch to talk about my feelings. Feel free to skip this one. But, it’s my blog and I have a lot of feelings lately and they’re pretty hard to express to my friends, who don’t really get polyamory for the most part.
I told my therapist about what happened with SG. I told him that what Elle did was really hurtful, but what was even more hurtful is how he treated the whole thing. He said he understood why I was hurt, but has done nothing really substantial to try to repair that. Instead, he’s acting like it didn’t happen. He called me to discuss the Mad Men season finale, he bought my favorite book to read and told me about it, he sends me random articles. I’ve gotten so disgusted by it that I’ve stopped answering his texts.
“I think you’re stuck between wanting to seem like you don’t expect anything and actually expecting something from someone who means a lot to you,” my therapist says, “it all goes back to you not wanting to inconvenience anyone with your feelings.”
I started crying. “I just want somebody to care about me and to respect me and, god, this is going to sound so cliché but I just want to be loved.” I felt pathetic. I hated being this basic and sad. I felt like a typical romcom whiner. “I just want him to give me the apology I deserve and really feel genuine remorse about it.”
It snowballed into me cleaning out my room, finding an old letter from an ex who I’m still friends with and treats me with more respect than freaking SG does, collapsing into sob songs like this winner and this champ, and then destroying his imagined face during kickboxing. So, yeah, not my brightest moments.
I’m still stuck on just what my therapist was saying. With how assertive I am in other things, I’m shocked in how easily I let the people I care about trample all over me.
“It’s like,” she had said, “you’re not drawing the line between sexually submitting to them and appeasing them everywhere else. And you shouldn’t be doing the first for someone who is going to let you do the second.”
Sigh.
ughs:
I am trying hard to not get attached.
Dear Ms. Lemon,
Getting your email this morning was super sad. And then seeing everyone discuss how much they missed you already on my dash was even sadder. But, sort of happy, I suppose, in the sense that you made so many people smile.
Wow this just started sounding like a eulogy.
You’ll be missed on here, lovely lady.
Ivy
We just had a pretty frank conversation with each other. I know I talk way too much about us, but I’m at this awful tipping point and I just don’t know what’s happening. We miss each other. We love each other. And that really, really sucks. Seriously.
Because, facts upon facts, we can’t make it work right now. And it would easier to be like “oh, blah, you weren’t worth my time”. But it’s hard to shake the fact that I feel like maybe it was worth some more effort.
And he’s saying stuff like “I’ll probably always regret ending this” and he keeps blaming himself for all this and I really don’t know what to do with myself. Because I can’t let go of people. I can’t. It’s like a clinical sickness that we’ve failed to place in the DSM IV.
I’m sorry I’ve strayed away from the sexiness and playfulness that I was trying to achieve with this tumblr. But, ugh, this all came about and I just can’t figure out what I want to do with myself. Part of me is like “oh, goodie, freedom” and part of me is having such a huge problem with figuring out what the hell to do with myself.
I know I’ve been very light about the whole situation in the past. Even when I mentioned the negative about it, I tried to stay positive. But, God, it’s getting so difficult and neither of us are handling it very well at all.
Sorry for the rambling. Seriously. Feel free to skip this sucker over.