jealousy

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I’ve discovered that when it comes to jealousy in non-monogamy, it boils down to whether or not I find the other person is too similar to me. 

If I’m like oh this individual represents something so totally different than what I am, I’m really fine with it because I’m like sweet I get it you just want some variety you go for that.

But when somebody’s got too much in common with me, I start to get concerned about the idea of being replaced. One of my biggest insecurities is the whole idea that my partners are going to find somebody slightly better than me and trade up. I know, it’s absolutely ridiculous, but it’s one of the silly places my head goes.

Last summer, Sir started seeing this girl and they got super into each other very fast. I was really happy for him, but I realized this was another blonde girl with some fairly similar kinks except, oh yeah, she was down for more degradation than I was. Even though now I think she’s a lovely person, I was kind of livid and frightened at first by the whole idea of them seeing each other.

Of course, I’m in no sense “recovered,” but I’m kind of happy that I at least know what the jealousy is centered on. Being able to identify it is the first step of getting rid of it, right?

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Someone fairly close to me went ahead and hooked up with the Southern Gentleman. I know I don’t control him. I know he’s not mine. He hooks up a lot and that’s not my problem with the situation.

My problem is she has the money and the means to fly down to his home and visit him now that school is out and he’s home. And that, while I don’t want to get into the particulars on here, she is doing it to spite me. Which really, really hurts.

It only hurt more when I confronted him about it and, I admit, crossed a line. We’re not together, but it’s different when it comes to this girl. But, when I got judgmental, he snapped and told me it was “none of my damn business” and to not “pry if I was going to be critical”. 

He apologized and I apologized, but I’m still very upset. Because I want to have a thick skin about everything but then something like this makes me so fragile. For a lot of reasons, some of which I don’t feel prepared at all to face.

Deets.

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To fill you all in:
  • I just spent the better part of a day sleeping. And getting high and eating an amazing lunch with my friend. And watching episodes of Louie. Whatever.
  • That guy from my frat has been obnoxiously pursuing me lately since I got with his teammate on Tuesday. Oooh jealousy. 
  • I’ve got a bruise on my knee and a seriously righteous hickey from Friday night. I left my earrings on Switch’s desk. I bit right around the arch of his ribcage and there’s a pretty endearing mark there now. I like how our sexual encounters have taken on the exact opposite mentality from “leave no trace”.
  • I really want to sleep but two drunk athletes are having a verbal altercation outside my window. About sports and testosterone and I just don’t know.
  • Guys, what am I going to do about this hickey? I feel like I’m in 10th grade. I’m not sure I can handle the ridicule.
  • Also, here you go. You’re welcome. From my lawls to yours.