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I’m going to interrupt my sexy story about Switch to talk about my feelings. Feel free to skip this one. But, it’s my blog and I have a lot of feelings lately and they’re pretty hard to express to my friends, who don’t really get polyamory for the most part.

I told my therapist about what happened with SG. I told him that what Elle did was really hurtful, but what was even more hurtful is how he treated the whole thing. He said he understood why I was hurt, but has done nothing really substantial to try to repair that. Instead, he’s acting like it didn’t happen. He called me to discuss the Mad Men season finale, he bought my favorite book to read and told me about it, he sends me random articles. I’ve gotten so disgusted by it that I’ve stopped answering his texts.

“I think you’re stuck between wanting to seem like you don’t expect anything and actually expecting something from someone who means a lot to you,” my therapist says, “it all goes back to you not wanting to inconvenience anyone with your feelings.”

I started crying. “I just want somebody to care about me and to respect me and, god, this is going to sound so cliché but I just want to be loved.” I felt pathetic. I hated being this basic and sad. I felt like a typical romcom whiner. “I just want him to give me the apology I deserve and really feel genuine remorse about it.”

It snowballed into me cleaning out my room, finding an old letter from an ex who I’m still friends with and treats me with more respect than freaking SG does, collapsing into sob songs like this winner and this champ, and then destroying his imagined face during kickboxing. So, yeah, not my brightest moments.

I’m still stuck on just what my therapist was saying. With how assertive I am in other things, I’m shocked in how easily I let the people I care about trample all over me.

“It’s like,” she had said, “you’re not drawing the line between sexually submitting to them and appeasing them everywhere else. And you shouldn’t be doing the first for someone who is going to let you do the second.”

Sigh.

ughs:

I am trying hard to not get attached.