Haha – This made me chuckle
Follow: Polyamorous Definition
Legitimately my favorite thing to do for a while when Sir texted me pics with a girl he was seeing was to be like, “WHO THE HELL IS SHE?” and pretend to freak out.
sir
The fact is that while I’m mostly comfortable posting about the times I’ve been fucked over or been wronged by partners on here – after all, this blog is mostly an exercise in catharsis and processing – I struggle when it comes to admitting the times I’ve messed up.
I realized that I skipped it in proper order, though I’m not sure if it was conscious. I knew it was either before I went to see Sir for Thanksgiving or before the holidays. Part of it may have just been that it was a long time ago, part of it that I’m a little ashamed and anxious to put this here.
So, before Thanksgiving I was hanging out with Pup in his bed. It was a lazy weekend morning, and the sun was pouring in softly through the window. We were naked. Pup rolled me onto my stomach and climbed on top of me. He started teasing his cock over my slit.
In early October, I started the pill. In late October, Pup and I started having sex. Before that, Sir and I used condoms and so, when Pup and I started having sex, so did we. I’d never been on any other birth control before, and so I had never had vaginal sex without a condom.
So Pup was teasing me by pushing his cock between my legs and running it along my slit. I was really aroused, I could feel myself practically dripping onto him, could feel his thrusts become more liquid and easy.
“Do you want it?” he asked. “Just a little bit?”
I buried my face in the pillow. There’s a version of me that very clearly said that this was highly irresponsible and not something I had talked out with Sir, had even done with Sir. And I wish I could say that was how this went. But I got carried away. “Yeah,” I said, “I want it.”
It felt so good it took more longer than I’m proud to admit to ask him to stop. There was a point where I realized what I was doing and how I was wrong, a point remembering getting in an argument with Sir last spring where I said getting carried away wasn’t a real excuse. I didn’t tell him to stop right when I realized how damaging this was. But, eventually, I did.
We talked about it. We said the same things I’d once written off as bullshit. We got carried away. It felt too good to stop. We weren’t thinking.
I dreaded calling Sir. After all, I’d gotten so furious with him when he had come to me to admit to something similar. But I did. I thought that was just going to end it. And while he was upset, we talked about it. He forgave me just about right away, and we had a long conversation about both incidents. Our slip-ups, if you will, his and mine. Though I’m not proud of what I did, I’m proud to have a partner who was understanding and another who knew why what we did wasn’t okay and felt genuine remorse.
I’ve been scared to post this, but I feel part of good non-monogamy is accountability. So I’m being accountable here. I slipped up. He and I had negotiated condom use when it came to Pup, and I overstepped that. Luckily, some good came out of it in that we had this talk. But it’s also maybe important to know that people do fuck up, and a lot of a successful relationship like this isn’t just abiding by the rules (though you should do that, yo), but how you handle the fuck ups when they happen.
Over Thanksgiving, I’d had that scary conversation with Sir where I admitted that I ad developed like feelings for Pup and this wasn’t just sort of play partners territory anymore. It’s hard for me to admit stuff is going well in poly, mostly because I never want to hurt anybody’s feelings. So I end up being like, “this person is okay,” when really I find the person awesome but don’t want to hurt Sir’s feelings. And as I’ve gotten into before, this has only ended poorly. So, this time I actually admitted I thought Pup was a really awesome person and I liked him a lot.
It went really well with Sir, but now I was all anxious about having the same conversation with Pup. I don’t even know what I really wanted out of it, and that was why it was so difficult for me. I wasn’t looking for anything to really change, it was more me wanting to express this and sort of be sure I wasn’t just sort of arbitrary booty or a rebound. It’s hard for me to tell if people like me sometimes or just enjoy the particular experience of whatever we’re doing divorced from me as a person.
So, the night I got back, I told him. We were in his bed with the lights off. I felt really nervous and silly the whole time. But, he was really sweet and that night we ended up having vanilla sex for the first time.
We didn’t really discuss that, as far as I remember. It just sort of happened. He pulled on a condom and I pulled him on top of me. He didn’t go as hard as he usually did, heis hands didn’t fall to my wrists or my throat.
I don’t want to prioritize vanilla sex over kinky sex as being more serious or more intimate or more emotional. Some of the most serious, intimate, emotional sex I’ve had was kinky sex. But there was something about how the sex was that night, and how we said each other’s names. I know it’s trite and cheesy, but it was really, really nice.
Just fyi Sir sent me a postcard to surprise me during my stressful thesis-finishing crunch time and signed it “xoxo Daddy” so there’s no denying it now.
Love in the Time of Thesis
ChatSir: Goodnight, sweetheart.
Me: Gonna dream about you.
Sir: !
Me: Nah, gonna dream about stress probably but I still love you.
Being a kept woman isn’t just about dolling up in pretty lingerie and getting used when he likes. It also means not being able to leave.
Us, basically.
The Prophecy Was Right
ChatMe: I just don’t want someone thinking I’m a size queen. I’m not a size queen.
Pup: You’re just a size queen about height.
Me: I am not a size queen about height.
Pup: You date tall guys.
Me: Yeah, I do kind of date guys between 5’8 and 6’2. I like guys who are too tall for me.
Pup: See?
Me, later: *eating lunch*
Me, later: *remembers Sir’s mother basically once said the same thing*
Me, later: *realizes I am Sir’s mother*
Me, later: *chokes on salad*
Last night, Pup punished me for the first time.
Of course, he’s “punished” me before, and I know I’m behind on most of the stories of spankings, denial, etc, but this was the first serious punishment. Our dynamic has gotten to a place where he’s gotten the go-ahead from me to do stuff like this, but it still hit kind of hard.
Yesterday, I’d been pushing myself really hard to get a bunch of stuff done, because Sir said if I was very good I would be able to tr out the new vibrator I bought. And, I’d done it, and I was at Pup’s place and was looking forward to that. But, I’d been goofing around, and he told me if I pushed it one more time, I would be in trouble. And, well, I pushed it.
I apologized right away, but it had ben done. “I told you if you misbehaved again you’d be in trouble,” Pup said. “You’re sleeping on the floor and you don’t get the vibrator tonight.”
“No, but,” I pouted. “But I got all my work done. And I was such a good girl today. And I said I was sorry.”
Pup agreed that I was a good girl that day, and so I earned my spot in the bed. But I wasn’t getting the vibrator and I was still being punished, which meant he gave me a talk about why I had been bad and that he expected me not to behave that way again.
While he was talking, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I got little, which was a little uncomfortable for me since that isn’t our dynamic. I wanted to cry because this was new and vulnerable and I was caught in that weird space of wanting it and hating it and being glad it was happening but also dreading the whole thing and what it implied. I went back to the first time I was punished like this – in the serious way that feels like punishment – when Elle made me hold my iPod up against my bedroom wall with my nose for five minutes. It had been so long, so unsexy that it shocked me, and the fact that the effect was a genuine punishment had made me cry that night five years ago, because I was I was alarmed that our dynamic had suddenly shifted out of playfulness and into something with consequences.
“I’m sorry, Sir,” I said. “I won’t do it again.” I couldn’t stop fidgeting with my skirt. At first, he mistook my behavior for being insincere, playful, and I realize he’d never seen me be contrite in this context.
I told Sir what happened and why I wasn’t using my vibrator tonight, and he agreed that I had been a bad girl and that Pup was doing the right thing in punishing me. So there’s the downside of two doms, I realized: getting scolded twice over when I was being punished.
He had me change and get into bed with him so he could hold me. He let me talk about how I felt, and stroked my hair and told me I could cry if I wanted. “You know I’m not really angry with you. I’m punishing you, that’s all. And it’s okay and tomorrow you won’t be punished anymore. And if it’s too much today, you can turn it off. We don’t have to do this. You have the power to make this stop,” he assured me, but I told him I wanted this, and I knew that was true.
“Will you slap me, then?” I asked.
He brushed my hair from my face. “How do you ask for that?”
I averted my eyes. “Will you please slap me, Sir?”
He did, and let me suck his cock for a bit after. I made a joke about how he was already hard when I pulled him out of his pants, trying to grasp some sense of power or something in being playful that way, but it was so clearly a move for that. I felt so vulnerable – moving into this territory of our dynamic, being in that sad little punishment head – and weirdly it all made me pretty aroused.
But, when I asked him to fuck me, he refused. I huffed, and he told me I could touch myself. I rolled onto my back, sulking, with his arm still around me. As I rubbed my clit, he teased his fingers idly over my nipples. When I argued that it wasn’t fair, he told me I should try to sleep. My head was everywhere and I would feel better in the morning, he suggested, and I knew he was right.
“You’re going to break me, you know,” I said. “if you keep at stuff like this.”
He put an arm around my waist and pulled me to him. “Go to sleep.”
Star’s visiting Sir in his neck of the woods. Right now the two are out and having a good time. I miss them both whole whole lot, and especially miss being able to hang out together.
Pup’s out on a date with a girl today and I’m really excited for him.
But, like, here I am holed up doing work and generally being stressed. And I really miss – with regards to both of these circumstances – being the center of attention.
/brat
« Etre adulte, c’est être seul. »
de Jean Rostand
I will always reblog waterboarding as sexual torture.
always.
Filed under scary, scary stuff I know he’s going to do to me one day.