Over Thanksgiving, I’d had that scary conversation with Sir where I admitted that I ad developed like feelings for Pup and this wasn’t just sort of play partners territory anymore. It’s hard for me to admit stuff is going well in poly, mostly because I never want to hurt anybody’s feelings. So I end up being like, “this person is okay,” when really I find the person awesome but don’t want to hurt Sir’s feelings. And as I’ve gotten into before, this has only ended poorly. So, this time I actually admitted I thought Pup was a really awesome person and I liked him a lot.
It went really well with Sir, but now I was all anxious about having the same conversation with Pup. I don’t even know what I really wanted out of it, and that was why it was so difficult for me. I wasn’t looking for anything to really change, it was more me wanting to express this and sort of be sure I wasn’t just sort of arbitrary booty or a rebound. It’s hard for me to tell if people like me sometimes or just enjoy the particular experience of whatever we’re doing divorced from me as a person.
So, the night I got back, I told him. We were in his bed with the lights off. I felt really nervous and silly the whole time. But, he was really sweet and that night we ended up having vanilla sex for the first time.
We didn’t really discuss that, as far as I remember. It just sort of happened. He pulled on a condom and I pulled him on top of me. He didn’t go as hard as he usually did, heis hands didn’t fall to my wrists or my throat.
I don’t want to prioritize vanilla sex over kinky sex as being more serious or more intimate or more emotional. Some of the most serious, intimate, emotional sex I’ve had was kinky sex. But there was something about how the sex was that night, and how we said each other’s names. I know it’s trite and cheesy, but it was really, really nice.