Sir’s flight keeps getting delayed, sigh.
And I can’t even do this since I have to pick him up.
long distance
Sir came for the weekend. Yesterday, we had a nice day together and then went to a play party with Pup and some of my friends, where he fulfilled one of my craziest fantasies. This morning, we realized he first spoke to me three years and two days ago (shush, we always miss the mark a little.)
I’ve got to drive him to the airport soon. I have been so grateful that he’s been in the states and that I’ve been able to have this much time with him this summer. But it only makes being with him feel like the norm, which is great until he’s gone. So, yeah, I’ll miss him a lot.
Sir and I are headed back to the states. He’s going to be here for a little while for work stuff. I’ll be with him for the next week, then he’ll be with me for Independence Day, then he’ll be not all that far away for a little bit. I’m so excited.
Until then, I’ve got a massive trip ahead of me. Unfortunately, because I had to change my return flight, I’m not able to fly with Sir (wah) but at least I feel a little more assured about what’s waiting on the other end of this trip than I did on the way here.
Gearing up for the last, longest leg of my trip to see Sir.
This has always been one of my poly feelings songs – “How do I know I can come and give to you/love with no warning and find you alone?” – and it feels all the more appropriate and applicable for what’s ahead of me.
Facts are that I haven’t seen Sir in four months now. We’ve been contending with time zones, with both being extremely busy, with other relationships and obligations. And for as sure as I am that this is just the anxiety that comes with hopping on a plane to fly around the world and see someone, with all the expectation and stakes involved, it’s hard not to worry of all that could go wrong.
That lyric’s always stuck with me because it’s impossible: there’s absolutely no way to know. There’s absolutely no guarantee, and it’s as unreasonable as most of the great love proclamations people say so readily they’ve lost their absurdity under idiom – never let me go, don’t ever leave my side, etc. And so I know arriving will probably be a little awkward, things may not go as seamlessly at first as you want to expect.
But I know I love the crap out of this person. Despite being exhausted and having a massive flight still ahead of me, I’m excited to see him.
(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)
I’ve got a very long trip ahead of me, but I get to see Sir at the end of it. Wish me luck, tumblr.
Just fyi Sir sent me a postcard to surprise me during my stressful thesis-finishing crunch time and signed it “xoxo Daddy” so there’s no denying it now.
Me, during the hours when Sir and I are both actually awake and available.
So, Sir’s plane took off.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be wallowing.
Two” shots of vodka
(Source: https://vine.co/)
He leaves very early tomorrow morning.
I am so, so proud of him.
But that doesn’t mean this doesn’t still sting.
I’m leaving Sir’s place tonight after being here for about three weeks.
It wasn’t totally easy. There were wonderful days and there were days when I found myself sitting there wondering what the hell was happening to us. But mostly there were the times I would look over at him and just be so grateful to be here with him.
A lot of the unpleasantness hinged on something he’s mentioned on his blog but I’ve struggled to write about here. Sir got an amazing opportunity and is leaving the country for a long while. I am so proud of him and I want him to do this, but it is obviously going to be very difficult on our relationship. It makes a lot of stuff uncertain. And as someone with anxiety, I can’t do uncertainty. So a lot of this visit has involved the tough conversations we’ve both been putting off.
This is the last day I’ll see him before he goes abroad in about three weeks. I’ll probably be kind of a mess for a little while, so please be patient with me.
But I want to end this post by saying that one thing we always returned to is that there’s something special and important and undeniable between us. That’s what makes this whole thing so hard. But it’s also what makes it so rewarding when it works out.
I know, if we make it through this, we will never take each other’s presence for granted.