Sir and I had a wonderful visit.
But he’s left now.
And, well, sigh.
sigh
Something off-topic and not sexy (feel free to skip):
(Trigger warning ED and other blegh thoughts.)
A lot of this tumblr has, in a less overt way, been about me negotiating with my body. Maybe negotiating is the wrong word and maybe it’s not directly with my body. It’s more I’ve been negotiating with my perception of my body, with the range of bodies on this site, with the idea of positivity.
I’ve spent the past few years recovering from an eating disorder, with a couple of hiccups and bumps. I have pretty bad body dysmorphia, to the point where there are days I literally avoid looking at myself in the mirror because I can’t handle the possibility of what I might see. And even consciously knowing there’s no way someone can gain ten pounds overnight, I can’t help where my head goes sometimes, especially when I’m stressed out.
I have a ton of trouble perceiving my weight, and I have something that Sir jokingly calls period amnesia, where I totally forget every month that I’m going to get bloated and then when I do, it drives me nuts. And while Sir is always so supportive about this and so understanding and always says I can talk to him about it, I feel so guilty blabbering his ear off.
And I feel so guilty, like I’m a bad girlfriend and a bad submissive, for bringing this to the table. Because he tries so hard and is so patient with me, and I hate that he has to do that.
This isn’t to say I haven’t gotten better, this past year in particular have been huge for me. CrossFit has helped a lot with my perception and I find myself aiming for healthier things as milestones (mastering pull-ups, perfecting a squat snatch) as opposed to obsessing over how many inches around my wrist is. Of course, I still focus on the second one, but it’s waning and becoming less of a fixation.
The polar vortex and travel woes keeping me from the gym for 9 days at the beginning of this month have really messed with my head, though. And so I’ve been going nuts worrying that I’ve become suddenly and irreparably massive. I realize how absurd and problematic all of this is, and I’m so sorry to sit here and vent about it like this. This tumblr is the closest thing I have to a journal and it’s been so integral to helping me try to move beyond this.
But I am trying so hard to be able to be at peace with myself and have my body feel more stable, more like a home. And I can look at my progress of being comfortable enough to post pictures of myself to stripping down at an orgy full of people to know that maybe this, too, shall pass.
For all your (transparent) “fuck off” needs (◕‿◕✿)ノ bigger version here
please don’t remove my comments/credits please. thank you :).
I got an earlyish night last night because I came home from being out with some people in my program and the whole thing exhausted me. Like, I am getting kind of tired of some of these people and I’m finding more and more that a lot of them aren’t particularly genuine.
Not to sound like a reality tv character, but I’m very tired of fake people. I’m going to make an effort to surround myself only with the people that I feel aren’t quite so ridiculous. While this makes me desperately miss my friends, I know there are definitely people like that out here and I also know who those people are. But I’m really over some of the bullshit.
This has been a post.
When I was a little girl, I was scared of being left out because I was scared of being forgotten.
Apparently, that stuck.
Camille Damage by Cameron Davis
Purple diary preview
Today kind of sucks and I’ve been completely down on myself and I have been doubting just about everything.
I just feel like I’m an impostor and I can’t live up to people’s expectations of me and I won’t actualize soon enough.
And I’m worried that I can’t sustain what I want to do as a career and I’ve been feeling just generally useless. Some doctor was hitting on me on the bus and what bothered me most was I was like bagh society will always have a use for you.
I just wish I felt certain of myself and my future and everything else.
I’d pay any price to just have him come through the door right now and tuck me in.
My landlord is giving me last-minute trouble about moving in and debating shit that’s on the lease we signed months ago. Which…really?
I’m literally so emotional from hormones and womanhood that I plunked down on the couch and watched two episodes of Drag U and cried through them. So it’s one of those days. (I can’t help it! Underdog stories, man.)
But I’m going to go lift some heavy shit and put it back down in a few hours and that usually makes me feel better.
This has been a post.
Ugh.
StandardSo, someone spent a good fifteen pages of their tumblr calling me all varieties of insults and clarifying why *exactly* I’m a disingenuous cunt.
Craftsmate tells me not to touch it, but I always have this knee-jerk reaction that I need to set things right always. And so I drafted an apology, read it a bunch, sent it off.
After repeated posts demanding an apology, I make one. I was sincere, but I’m met with the statement that – after this person demanded I apologize – they didn’t want to receive a message from me.
There was also an assumption that I already knew their condition, which, ugh, I didn’t. And, oh, you know, that I’m only concerned with my image. Which, meh, I am really only to the extent that I don’t lose a job in the future because my butt’s all over the Internet or that I don’t somehow disgrace my parents doing whatever.
Ever since I was younger, I’ve never wanted anyone to be angry with me. The notion of a person being upset with me, regardless of how close they are to me, to this day, makes me physically nauseous. Like horribly, terribly sick.
But I’m throwing in the towel on this one, asking everyone not to harass the person in question and realizing sometimes things cannot reach clean conclusions.
Deep breath.
Current status.
Life is crazy busy and I’m a little overwhelmed with all the work I have to. I have been trying to push through, but ugh. The entire thing has made me beyond despondent.
Craftsmate’s been pretty great about being supportive, but I feel awful since I can’t really reciprocate in the way I need to. I’m not sure I’ll write about it yet, but we’ve been struggling to understand how to balance the “vanilla” and “chocolate” aspects of our relationship and the whole thing kind of came to a head the other day.
It’s hard to maintain that sort of thing when I can’t really serve him or be able to do things for him because I’m just plain swamped. I feel awful when I promise to do something and then when nighttime comes around I am just exhausted. And even though last night we had a little time to reconnect and take a shower together, the fact remains that I haven’t been fully holding up my end of the bargain, so to speak.
A follower sent me a message the other day that she showed her boyfriend my blog and they had a pretty awesome sexual experience as a joke. I was flattered and happy, but I felt a little bitter pang of “well at least my life is satisfying somebody’s boyfriend”.
This will pass, but ugh in the meantime.
Jonas Bjerre from Mew for Gaffa Magazine
Casper Sejersen, 2011
Sigh.