head – Ivy

Current status.

Life is crazy busy and I’m a little overwhelmed with all the work I have to. I have been trying to push through, but ugh. The entire thing has made me beyond despondent.

Craftsmate’s been pretty great about being supportive, but I feel awful since I can’t really reciprocate in the way I need to. I’m not sure I’ll write about it yet, but we’ve been struggling to understand how to balance the “vanilla” and “chocolate” aspects of our relationship and the whole thing kind of came to a head the other day.

It’s hard to maintain that sort of thing when I can’t really serve him or be able to do things for him because I’m just plain swamped. I feel awful when I promise to do something and then when nighttime comes around I am just exhausted. And even though last night we had a little time to reconnect and take a shower together, the fact remains that I haven’t been fully holding up my end of the bargain, so to speak.

A follower sent me a message the other day that she showed her boyfriend my blog and they had a pretty awesome sexual experience as a joke. I was flattered and happy, but I felt a little bitter pang of “well at least my life is satisfying somebody’s boyfriend”.

This will pass, but ugh in the meantime.

pausesbetweenthought:

Jonas Bjerre from Mew for Gaffa Magazine
Casper Sejersen, 2011

The other night, I was at Craftsmate’s place just hanging around. It was later at night and I had originally intended on just going to sleep, but he invited me over to hang out and so I came over in my pajamas. We were chilling when there was a knock on his door.

Because I was in my pajamas, I just stayed in his room while he went to go to the door. I was sort of tired, so I pulled up his sheets and when he came back in to say something about people, I just sort of told him I was going to sleep.

In my defense, I’d had a really, really, really long day.

I woke up about an hour later to hear voices in his kitchen and finding that I had to use the bathroom. Naturally, I felt super awkward just walking out of this kid’s room in pajamas. I heard that they were planning to leave soon and so I tried to bide my time, but I eventually just had to walk through rather quickly to get to the bathroom and hope I wasn’t seen.

On the way back, I was sort of awkwardly stopped and said hello. The Prodigy was there and I tried to awkwardly be like, “haha yeah we’re not fucking I just needed a nap” but that’s never really, uh, convincing.

And I know I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of. We’re not fucking and it was just a weird moment with some people who, besides the Prodigy, I’d never seen before. So, it wasn’t the biggest deal in the world, but I still felt sort of crappy. I knew it was silly to. However, the feeling kind of crept up and afterwards Craftsmate and I had to have an awkward “okay that was uncomfortable but not awful” conversation.

Oh, shame. You’re a dick.