Something off-topic and not sexy (feel free to skip):
(Trigger warning ED and other blegh thoughts.)
A lot of this tumblr has, in a less overt way, been about me negotiating with my body. Maybe negotiating is the wrong word and maybe it’s not directly with my body. It’s more I’ve been negotiating with my perception of my body, with the range of bodies on this site, with the idea of positivity.
I’ve spent the past few years recovering from an eating disorder, with a couple of hiccups and bumps. I have pretty bad body dysmorphia, to the point where there are days I literally avoid looking at myself in the mirror because I can’t handle the possibility of what I might see. And even consciously knowing there’s no way someone can gain ten pounds overnight, I can’t help where my head goes sometimes, especially when I’m stressed out.
I have a ton of trouble perceiving my weight, and I have something that Sir jokingly calls period amnesia, where I totally forget every month that I’m going to get bloated and then when I do, it drives me nuts. And while Sir is always so supportive about this and so understanding and always says I can talk to him about it, I feel so guilty blabbering his ear off.
And I feel so guilty, like I’m a bad girlfriend and a bad submissive, for bringing this to the table. Because he tries so hard and is so patient with me, and I hate that he has to do that.
This isn’t to say I haven’t gotten better, this past year in particular have been huge for me. CrossFit has helped a lot with my perception and I find myself aiming for healthier things as milestones (mastering pull-ups, perfecting a squat snatch) as opposed to obsessing over how many inches around my wrist is. Of course, I still focus on the second one, but it’s waning and becoming less of a fixation.
The polar vortex and travel woes keeping me from the gym for 9 days at the beginning of this month have really messed with my head, though. And so I’ve been going nuts worrying that I’ve become suddenly and irreparably massive. I realize how absurd and problematic all of this is, and I’m so sorry to sit here and vent about it like this. This tumblr is the closest thing I have to a journal and it’s been so integral to helping me try to move beyond this.
But I am trying so hard to be able to be at peace with myself and have my body feel more stable, more like a home. And I can look at my progress of being comfortable enough to post pictures of myself to stripping down at an orgy full of people to know that maybe this, too, shall pass.