Me: So I kind of had dirty thoughts today at the gym about you, me and SG having a threesome.
Me: And you like fucking me hard from behind and directing him to fuck my face.
Craftsmate: Aww, look at that, Sweetheart wants all the attention from the boys.
Me: Hmph, stop.
Craftsmate: Aww, did I make your little cheekies red?
Me: Stop ittttt.
Craftsmate: Don’t think it’s gonna be easy like that for you. Just because there are two boys you think they’re both going to fuck you?
Me: Uh huh.
Craftsmate: Maybe we’re going to make you sit by the TV and spread your cunt.
Me: YOU’RE SO MEAN.
Craftsmate: And during the commercials we’ll take a few looks at your slutty hole all dripping wet with need.
Me: Nuh uh.
Me: It’s not fair.
Craftsmate: Yeah? Well, then you’d better dress the part. You know how slutty clothes can get you some attention.
Me: I’ll dress really slutty, I promise.
Craftsmate: But honestly I think the best role for you is to use you as a service slut to kneel on the floor while we drink and watch TV.
Me: It’s not fair. This was my fantasy.
Me: I want all the attention.
Craftsmate: Girls who are greedy for attention often end up with none at all.
Chats
This is literally what we talk about.
ChatCraftsmate: Your little asshole is SO CUTE.
Craftsmate: I wanna show you in a mirror or something.
Craftsmate: Because you never get that perspective.
Craftsmate: It’s this cute little pink-tan puckered little thing with the little pink wrinkles all shiny and soft looking.
Me: I KNOW WHAT MY BUTTHOLE LOOKS LIKE.
Me: SHEESH.
Summer job struggles via Craigslist.
ChatMe: Look! I qualify for this one!
Craftsmate: Baby, that’s clearly an escort service.
Me: No, stop that. It looks pretty legitimate.
Craftsmate: Then why do they pay you per “session”?
Me: Yeah, you know, that word choice bugged me, too.
Craftsmate: How would you feel if I gave you a flower for Mother’s Day?
Me: Seeing as I’m not a mother, ominous and weird.
Craftsmate: That’s what I was going for.
Craftsmate: Why are you so horny today?
me: I dunno.
Craftsmate: Aww. You don’t know…”why ess-acly?”
me: Hmph.
In which I am the biggest social scientist killjoy ever.
ChatCraftsmate: Do you like [the porn]?
Me: The race relations are a little problematic, honestly.
Midnight Snacking/Dirtytalk Overlap
ChatCraftsmate: What turns you on, sweetheart?
Me: (points)
Craftsmate: Besides the quesadilla.
Me: (points)
Craftsmate: Besides the chipotle.
During a talk about the fetishization of exclusivity in popular media.
ChatMe: Anything that affords an exposé into the Ivy League is always massively successful.
My friend: Like what?
Me: …can’t think of anything off the top of my head.
Him: Honestly, most of what makes it hot for me is the idea that someone’s playground is getting cleaned.
Me: “Someone’s playground,” he calls my rectum.
Craftsmate: Apparently there’s a nerve on the neck that slows heart rate when compressed, and there’s a very very low chance that it might stop the heart if you’re being choked.
Me: Wow, that’s something.
Craftsmate: Yeah and I thought breathplay safety was all just about the breath.
Me: All my fetishes are far too dangerous.
Craftsmate: Anyway, when you get the chance you should probably ask your physician to get you screened for risk because some people may be more susceptible.
Me: Risk for what?
Craftsmate: Choking-related risk.
Craftsmate: Hmm does [Ivy University] have a sports physician?
Craftsmate: You can be all like, “yo im thinking of getting into a martial arts that uses a lot of chokeholds, can you tell me if that’s safe for me”.
Me: …
Me: My life isn’t a real thing.