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And so I’m going back home todaaaaay for the holidaaaays.

And seeing Sirrrr tonightttt.

Chat

Craftsmate: Apparently there’s a nerve on the neck that slows heart rate when compressed, and there’s a very very low chance that it might stop the heart if you’re being choked.
Me: Wow, that’s something.
Craftsmate: Yeah and I thought breathplay safety was all just about the breath.
Me: All my fetishes are far too dangerous.
Craftsmate: Anyway, when you get the chance you should probably ask your physician to get you screened for risk because some people may be more susceptible.
Me: Risk for what?
Craftsmate: Choking-related risk.
Craftsmate: Hmm does [Ivy University] have a sports physician?
Craftsmate: You can be all like, “yo im thinking of getting into a martial arts that uses a lot of chokeholds, can you tell me if that’s safe for me”.
Me: …
Me: My life isn’t a real thing.

Ivy Dates #1: No, I Don’t Think I Want to Occupy This

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So, tumblr, I mentioned I made an okcupid account. I’ve decided to chronicle the experience on here because whatever I want to and it’s my blog wah wah I promise I’ll post porn, too.

I had my first date on Saturday. He looked great “on paper”. We met in a fairly large city that he works in and I live pretty close to. It left a lot to be desired.

The date. Not the city.

Among the issues were:

  • He works in finance in a really yucky job where he does favors for horrible people. He is completely and totally unashamed of this.
  • Although he said he had picked out a place for us to eat that he liked, he promptly decided upon my arrival that he “wasn’t in the mood for it” and made me pick a place. When I couldn’t decide right away, he became pretty frustrated.
  • Two seconds into lunch and he tries to booze me up.
  • He smells terrible. Awful. But it’s the kind of terrible that you keep sniffing (1) to make sure it’s him and (2) because you’re almost intrigued by how bad it is.
  • He assumed I went to a state school (nothing against public education!!!!!) and started describing his previous academic/current career endeavors to me in an incredibly patronizing tone with vocabulary that was intentionally dumbed down. When it was revealed I go to Ivy University, he sort of just looked at his plate and went, “oh…okay.”
  • When the bill came, he grabbed it right away and made a big show of putting his hand up and being the wealthy hero buying lunch for his poor, pretty starving artist date. If he wasn’t such a dick about it, maybe I would’ve vaguely considered agreeing to let him pay. Instead, I told him I’d like to pay my half and joked it was because I was a third wave feminist. He responded, with a completely serious face, “what the hell’s a feminist?" 
  • He took me to a gallery and then proceeded to demonstrate he has no appreciation at all whatsoever for the arts. 
  • He made weird jokes about my height.
  • Whenever I would talk about my interpretation of a piece of art we were looking at, he’d get all patronizing and say stuff like, "how cute, but I think it’s this…” We’d then consult the description. I was always correct. Always. This irritated him beyond belief.
  • At one point, I was explaining a movement of art to him and he rolled his eyes and declared that “maybe he should have brought a notebook to take notes”.
  • Anytime I even vaguely wandered off-course, he would start criticizing me for it.
  • Before he knew I went to Ivy University, he half-joked that he wanted a trophy wife and then gave me a couple of “any takers?” eyebrow wags.
  • When I told him he was the first okcupid date I had been on, he told me how fortunate I was. (Should’ve kissed his huge fucking feet right there.)

So, no, tumblr, I will not be taking out Mr. Finance for another date. He hasn’t called, I have no desire to reach out to him, and frankly I’m fine with that. I weathered the day while maintaining my politeness and staying pleasant (I didn’t even drop a single f-bomb), so I think I deserve a gold star for showing up, being lovely and getting to see an awesome art installation for my troubles.

Gallery

Hello, world.

Gallery

During yoga tonight, before we released our hips, the instructor mentioned that people store a lot of pressure and emotions in there.

And so, of course, I release and out comes one of the loudest cracks I’ve ever heard my body make.

Nice job being stressed in the summer, self.