life

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Current status.

Life is crazy busy and I’m a little overwhelmed with all the work I have to. I have been trying to push through, but ugh. The entire thing has made me beyond despondent. 

Craftsmate’s been pretty great about being supportive, but I feel awful since I can’t really reciprocate in the way I need to. I’m not sure I’ll write about it yet, but we’ve been struggling to understand how to balance the “vanilla” and “chocolate” aspects of our relationship and the whole thing kind of came to a head the other day. 

It’s hard to maintain that sort of thing when I can’t really serve him or be able to do things for him because I’m just plain swamped. I feel awful when I promise to do something and then when nighttime comes around I am just exhausted. And even though last night we had a little time to reconnect and take a shower together, the fact remains that I haven’t been fully holding up my end of the bargain, so to speak.

A follower sent me a message the other day that she showed her boyfriend my blog and they had a pretty awesome sexual experience as a joke. I was flattered and happy, but I felt a little bitter pang of “well at least my life is satisfying somebody’s boyfriend”.

This will pass, but ugh in the meantime.

pausesbetweenthought:

Jonas Bjerre from Mew for Gaffa Magazine
Casper Sejersen, 2011

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Last night, someone asked me how I thought people who’ve met me would describe me.

I said, “as a motherfucking rapper.”

I’ve really got to learn how to channel that more often.

Thursday Thoughts.

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  • Craftsmate finally talked me into seeing a doctor today and I apparently have not only an ear infection but also pneumonia. So, uh, that’s that.
  • I missed one of my classes to go see the doctor and my professor is giving me shit about it. Like, seriously? I’ve apparently been walking around with this shit for weeks and even went to my seminar today so GET OFF MY SHIT.
  • I’d just like to share I’m participating in No Shave November for THESE REASONS. Also because I’m not supposed to stay in a shower that long now. Except I might shave them tonight. Except I kind of like them hairy. I don’t know. I might try to make it to November 15th just to see what it’s like.
  • Totally digging all the awesome firsts in Congress right now, though. So that’s good.
  • Anybody want to take a trip with me to Colorado once my lungs are functional again?
  • This whole pneumonia experience is teaching me that I need to be more reasonable with myself. Especially now that I’m getting all down on myself for not having gone to the gym in a while because of how crappy I was feeling (which now can be pretty accurately explained) and trying to still burn the candle at every end while I know I am sick as a dog. So, ugh, I need to actively try to learn a lesson here.
  • I was sexting Penthouse in the waiting room, though. So, uh, I guess that’s sort of a win? Right? A little bit?
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“The feeling of one who is in need and help comes, one who is happy not because he is saved – he is not saved – but rather because new, young people come, confident, ready to take up the struggle, ignorant, of course, of what stands before them, yet in an ignorance which does not cause the observer to lose hope but rather fills him with awe, with joy, with tears.” – Theodor W. Adorno, recalling Kafka in Prisms.

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There are moments where I stop and reflect on things.

At this particular instance, I am chilling in bed with Craftsmate.

“Do you know why people like to fuck around with you like this?” he asks.

I am tied up and blindfolded.

Craftsmate is lying behind me, one hand threaded into my hair. His knife is on my throat, teasing over the skin.

Outside my door, I can hear Sunshine open the door to her bedroom, step out in the common room, and walk off to the bathroom.

I suck in my breath and try to stay quiet.

In a few hours, I will need to be up for a meeting with my thesis advisor.

Craftsmate reaches the end of his explanation.

“And being pretty is such a sin.”

I try to reflect back on what the argument was in the first place, but my mind is the fuzz between radio stations.

I could be at the library or asleep or at some other school, living some other life, writing some other entry about something entirely different.

But this, in its triumphs and its embarrassments, is the way my life fell together.

And, one day, I won’t be ashamed.

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Tacos are sort of my go-to “case of the fuck-its” food.

They’re also sort of my “I am high as balls” food, too.

Same diff.

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I am of the belief that states your bed should be right up against your window.

Because reasons.

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Last night, SG asked me to friend his girlfriend on Facebook. Why? Because, in his words: “It will make her so happy”. 

I’m sorry, what? Excuse me. That’s just about one of the most inappropriate requests to make of me.

I have tried, in the time I have had something going on with SG, to basically avoid talking to his girlfriend. Occasionally, she’ll like something I’ll put on his Facebook or, according to him, ask about how I’m doing. And I’ll do the same for her. But, the two are in a nonmonogamous relationship with no sharing and a sort of out of sight out of mind mentality. 

And part of me has had integrity issues in the past with this sort of thing because I feel like she does this solely to appease him. She’s a very traditional girl, not really too bright, but almost painfully kind. Sexually, SG claims she’s not really on-point with what he wants. He complains that he can’t have an intellectual conversation with her. But, she’s sweet and tall and gorgeous and one of those Southern pageant queen types.

Yes, she even has a sash and a crown.

So, naturally, sometimes I feel awkward about the whole thing. Especially when he complains to me about her and how she only does stuff to make him happy and puts me in this really awkward position. And then to ask me to friend her on Facebook to make her happy is almost sort of insulting. As was two minutes later when he awkwardly transitioned into asking me why another girl wasn’t answering his booty-call to her. Which, fine, we discuss the other people we mess around with, but still felt so sleazy and horrible.

Maybe I’m still a little sore after the whole incident with Elle, even though he apologized. But part of me knows that this entire arrangement is becoming demeaning. Some of my friends are pretty insistent that I cut my losses and just get out. And part of me thinks that they are absolutely right.

But I have trouble letting go of people, especially when he offers these weird glimmers of hope amidst the ridiculousness. It’ll be a conversation or a moment or something he’ll say like “I prefer talking politics with you to dirty-talking you. And I really like dirty-talking you” that feels vaguely romantic and then I go God, what a low standard I’ve set for romantic.

There was a time when I was struggling through something for my portfolio and SG goes, “I know you can do it.” And I sort of shrugged him off and he said, “no, actually, I know you can. Because I found some of your work and I looked it over and I know it’s good. Because I still think about it sometimes.” I realized he happened upon something very old of mine in Elle’s house back when he and I were just getting to know each other. I told him I didn’t believe him and he made a reference to some little acute part of it and told me he would look at anything for me. And, lo and behold, he stayed up and did. And I was thinking the whole time, well, shit, he cares.

But I feel like he literally represents everything bad about me that can be found vaguely endearing. And I feel like this is all quickly becoming more trouble than it’s worth. But, I’m having trouble letting go. Because there are feelings there (oy) and that gets all kinds of messy. 

So, yeah, I probably need to grow a pair and have a little more self-respect. Eventually.

tomlet:

Strangers With Candy 3×4 Invisible Love

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Current status.

His face literally embodies my whole life right now.

nevver:

Peanuts