attention

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Sir once said it is glaringly obvious that I’m an only child based on how many fantasies I have where I’m the absolute center of attention.

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Me, basically. 

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So, Sir just gave me a new rule that Full Friday is now Flirty Friday, which entails that I have to send a nude to someone that isn’t him. 

(Obviously, someone we both know would be trustworthy about that sort of thing.)

As much as I pouted and whined about it, I’ve got to admit I’m not totally against the idea.

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Maybe there’s something a little sick about it. The fact that I gravitate to pastel colors and bridal lingerie for play parties or that I enjoy feigning innocence in the midst of doing something depraved. I like being the one sweet little outfit in a sea of leather and fishnets. I like feeling impressionable and corruptible. I like how there’s something inherently a little more perverse about an outfit like that than a mesh bodysuit.

I’ve spent a lot of time shaming myself about the stuff I’m into or finding places to draw arbitrary lines where “this” is okay and “this” isn’t. I’ve done a lot of useless work of sorting through which taboos are still acceptable and which are simply just too far. Frankly, it’s just gotten counterproductive and exhausting. 

So, yeah, I’m a little sick. But I am getting better at accepting these facets of myself. 

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It’s taken a lot for me to be able to admit to myself that I enjoy – and am worthy of – attention. I fall back so often upon fears of being demanding and anxiety over how much space I am allowed to take up in the world, in other people’s lives, in my own priorities. 

And as much as it’s manifested personally, it’s manifested on a level in my kink as well. I find it so hard to ask for the things I like by name because I fear I’ll come across as far too demanding, I’m afraid to admit that I love attention because I fear I’ll be considered self-centered or that I’ll be slut-shamed. 

But I’ve been trying so hard to throw that burden off of myself in other areas of my life, and I feel like I need to do that here as well. So, yes, anons who call me a narcissist, I might just be a little bit of an attention whore. And, no, I’m not going to waste my energy at the next play party or orgy I go to trying to hide how much I sincerely and wholeheartedly want to be there. 

Yeah, I like receiving attention. And maybe sometimes I’ll overstep it and be a little too needy or a little too demanding, but I would rather that than worry that I am simply taking up too much space.

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So I’ve got this fantasy where a handful of people gather around to just sit and watch me in a situation like this. Just to talk and laugh, have a few drinks, maybe occasionally pull the chain between the clamps or brush my hair off of my face. 

I guess I just really, really like that sort of inattentive attention. Like a bunch of people crowded around me, but also being absorbed in their own business. So I’m just kind of the background noise to whatever else is going on, but I’m still clearly a focal point.

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I need one of these again. 

I like the unilateral attention it comes with, even if it’s often far too overwhelming for me to process. 

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Sometimes I just need attention, okay?

Hmph.

Chat

Me: So I kind of had dirty thoughts today at the gym about you, me and SG having a threesome.
Me: And you like fucking me hard from behind and directing him to fuck my face.
Craftsmate: Aww, look at that, Sweetheart wants all the attention from the boys.
Me: Hmph, stop.
Craftsmate: Aww, did I make your little cheekies red?
Me: Stop ittttt.
Craftsmate: Don’t think it’s gonna be easy like that for you. Just because there are two boys you think they’re both going to fuck you?
Me: Uh huh.
Craftsmate: Maybe we’re going to make you sit by the TV and spread your cunt.
Me: YOU’RE SO MEAN.
Craftsmate: And during the commercials we’ll take a few looks at your slutty hole all dripping wet with need.
Me: Nuh uh.
Me: It’s not fair.
Craftsmate: Yeah? Well, then you’d better dress the part. You know how slutty clothes can get you some attention.
Me: I’ll dress really slutty, I promise.
Craftsmate: But honestly I think the best role for you is to use you as a service slut to kneel on the floor while we drink and watch TV.
Me: It’s not fair. This was my fantasy.
Me: I want all the attention.
Craftsmate: Girls who are greedy for attention often end up with none at all.