Tonight’s my last night with Sir for a while.
We’re sitting beside each other on his couch: reading tumblr, snuggling, sneaking some touches. I’m going to miss him a lot and we’re not sure yet exactly when we’ll see each other again date-wise.
I’ve sustained a few little bumps and bruises from today. Nothing major, but enough to let me be a pouty girl and put this photo of a girl with a very bruised ass up and pretend that I can identify with her.
But, crap, I’m going to miss him a lot.
Sweetheart spent some time with two boys today. They were a little mean.
Um, they were lots mean.
Sweetheart’s busy today.
Try back later.
I can’t sleep again.
Thinking too hard about some attention I’m receiving tomorrow.
2014, you’re spoiling me.
Having a birthday right after Christmas is so awkward. SURE YOU JUST GAVE ME PRESENTS BUT NOW IT’S TIME TO GIVE ME MORE
Cat!me is a fat, screaming ball of id. As are most cats.
Also my life.
What if I wasn’t quite so… nice?
Do you think you’d like that,
just for a little while?
You?
Nice?
Me: OH MY GOD (hot guy from orgy) AND (hot girl from orgy) JUST BOTH ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK PEEING JUST A LITTLE BIT
Me: AND HE DID FIRST
Me: So in my head I’m like clearly he added me and then was like, “oh yeah, (hot girl who is his partner), add her.”
Sir: Haha yeah he just accepted me, too.
Sir: I’m not flirting with them until two days from now.
Sir: 3 day motherfucking rule.
Me: HIGH FIVE SAME HERE.
(aka I probably won’t have the balls to flirt with them ever because my last encounter with them was really blushy but that’s okay.)
Thank you so much. This is wonderful advice! I’m half-packing, half-selfcaring right now and belting out some old school Destiny’s Child and having a little ball all by myself.
To everyone else, I so appreciate your messages and kind words. You all give me so much encouragement and so much strength to do the things I know make me happy.
<3, Ivy
Of course, this had to happen. I get home, I’m excited about what happened last night, and I just drop. I thought I was over this shame thing, but maybe I flew too close to the sun and I’m starting to feel awful.
This year has been huge for me and I was excited to start 2014 shedding away a lot of that shame about my sexuality. But I got home and suddenly I was bombarded with negative thoughts about how I wish I were normal, how this could ruin my career and relationship with my family, how I feel like such a freak of nature sometimes. I went back to a really awful place that I thought I’d moved past.
It started a little last night when I subdropped at the end of the party. I got really short with Sir and incredibly impatient and upset. He doesn’t deserve that and I didn’t realize that I still needed more aftercare, but I was acting out to a degree that he thought I was angry with him. My shame had even made me rationalize it that I was and that somehow he’d done something wrong. Which isn’t fair to him at all.
He just gave me a little pep talk reassuring me that I am going to be happy and successful and that all of this is okay. I’m paraphrasing, but it was so beautiful and so gentle and I love him so much for it. I just wish after a night like last night I could feel pride and not such complete and utter shame.
I’m resolving for 2014 that I shake this. I am so tired of these feelings and these old scars getting in my way. I hate that I have to constantly go back to this paralyzing fear of complete rejection if the people in my life figure out the extent of this side of me. I’ve been burned pretty hard in the past and it’s made my progress sometimes feel like I’m pedaling backwards.
This is also me asking your patience with me as I start to get my thoughts together and retell what happened. I had a wonderful time, but I’ve got some demons to work through here.
…… by ~EmilyaManole
2014 Resolutions:
Be as swift as a coursing river;
With all the force of a great typhoon;
With all the strength of a raging fire;
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon