southern gentleman – Page 9

SG and I had our talk about the whole girlfriend debacle.

I told him, plain and simple, that I didn’t want any drama. No crying girlfriends, no misunderstandings, no discomfort. Or, at least, minimal discomfort. Also, I didn’t want my own interests to be completely swept under the carpet.

His reply was simple: “You weren’t even in question throughout this whole thing. We’re going to stay the same.”

I sure hope so.

But, for now, I’m relieved. I’m glad I spoke my mind and I’m glad to be able to express myself in terms of what I want.

In celebration – and due to prior plans – I went out with the girls. And it was grand.

Sometimes, I just get really doubtful about this whole polyamory thing working out for me. Sure, I know it’s a natural inclination I have. It may trace back to a problem that I even had as a child where I wanted to love everyone and, in return, I wanted everyone to love me. Not necessarily romantically. But, there are moments where I feel like I am getting nothing from it or where I just get all wrapped up in issues that I can’t even see the good about it sometimes.

Part of it is that I have no primary and I sometimes feel a bit strained and challenged by the presence of other people’s primaries. It’s not really a jealousy thing. It’s partially that I get intimidated and partially that I see, constantly, how boundaries aren’t actually as defined as people imagine them to be.

SG got back with his girlfriend. Apparently, they’re monogamous save for messing around with me. I don’t know what that means. He said “we’ll talk about it” later. Frankly, the whole idea of that just gives me a stomachache. I don’t like the fact that my involvement with him is deeply dependent on her involvement with him. I know, I know, primaries, terms, etc. I don’t know what I want, but, for some reason, I’m vaguely upset by this whole turnover. I don’t think she’s right for him, I don’t like the position this all puts me in, all that jazz.

My relationship with her, as far as I am concerned, has returned to purely the friend level. There were a few glaring issues, but one was simply her expectation that I be available for her when she needed consolation without the necessity of reciprocity. When I reached out to her while I was having a hard time, she instead decided to go out – alone – to our frat to find some people to party with. She apologized, but really showed no signs of even vaguely changing.

Remember my whole thing about the Giving Tree complex I have? I felt it hardcore. I’ve recently started seeing someone to talk out a lot of these feelings and sort through my lifestyle and he pointed out the same exact thing: I just give a lot of myself and I am terrified that I will somehow inconvenience and upset the other person by demanding reciprocity and articulating my needs.

For as assertive I am, I seem to have a hard time articulating my expectations. Or, for that matter, even knowing what they are.

SG and I are planning another evening of joint porn-watching. Only, this time, he’s picking.

SG has a go-to phrase for when I’m stressed out.

“Would you please calm down? Everything’s going to be fine. We’re the beautiful people.”

I’m not entirely sure how that solves anything, but it’s certainly nice to remember.

The Southern Gentleman asked to see my porn last night. No, not a porn I’ve been in (there are none). Rather, my porn collection. He wanted to see a video from the stash of things I watch.

I don’t watch a ton of videos, but I have a few gems I go to. The issue is he wanted to see “my favorite”. I don’t have a favorite, but the one that instantly popped into my mind presented a few problems. It was very kinky. It included James Deen, so it was kind of male-focused as well. Despite his proclivities, SG doesn’t watch a lot of kinky stuff (according to him). He also tends to focus on stuff that is really female-focused.

Not to mention I was uncomfortable. Sharing your porn is like sharing a piece of yourself. It’s a reflection of your taste and your libido. I was worried he’d be weirded out by it. But, he coaxed me into it. I was coaxed, not coerced. I mentioned that I was actually experiencing anxiety over him liking it. I’m rarely that insecure about my sexuality with him. To which he replied, “calm down, I’m sure I’ll like it.”

I was also juggling some feelings of ambivalence after his recent breakup. Sure, they had been poly and that wasn’t their undoing, but I wasn’t sure how to maneuver the waters after the entire thing. I didn’t just want to swoop in, but I wanted to show support. So, this was the first time we’d been vaguely sexual beyond kidding around after the entire thing.

We started the video. I was blushing at first and we were awkwardly making jokes about it, constantly sort of checking in to make sure the other was actually enjoying this as well. We then sort of switched into a sort of director’s cut mode, making more definitive commentary about the way James Deen was acting. He was impressed with the guy. Impressed.

And then he suddenly got serious.

“Ivy, I want to humiliate you like this,” he said, “I want to abuse you so casually.”

He got it. He got the dynamic right on the head.

Then came the flood of filth, the dirty-talking, the threats, the promises. The “do you own any rope?”, my “nope”, the “oh, I will”. He was inspired. Damn you, Cosmo, for being right. It is helpful to watch porn with a guy. It’s like when Caesar visited the statue of Alexander the Great. If you weren’t already ambitious, you are now.

He used the word “invoke” at one point. Please don’t tell me that’s not hot. Please.

When it ended, there was a sort of awkward pause. We kind of laughed about it. I wasn’t sure what to say.

“Now what?” he asked.

I shrugged, “I don’t know.”

“You want to watch another?”

The Southern Gentleman: I don’t get why you hate Rick Perry.

Me: (whilst trying to do that mountain of schoolwork I mentioned) Okay.

SG: I mean, he’s an upstanding guy.

Me: Please don’t get me started.

SG: What could you possibly have a problem with?

Me: SG, I need to study. I am not going to have this conversation about your cowboy mancrush while I’m reading. You’re going to make me mad.

SG: (grinning) Angry sex mad?

SG: So, when we get married-

Me: We’re not getting married.

SG: When we get married, I’m thinking we throw one of those sexy parties like the one in Monster.

Me: Like 80% of the people at that party were dead or completely mauled to pieces.

SG: Okay, fine. We take out the trash, cut our losses, deal with the remainder.

Me: Fear is a powerful aphrodisiac.

SG: So is Kanye.

The Southern Gentleman insists that I look like her when I wear dark clothing. I don’t see it.

readitinthepaper:

Oh my stars, she’s stunning.

The Southern Gentleman has a ton of ladies at his beck and call. I’ve really got to hand it to his girlfriend, she must put a lot of trust in him. Even as someone not involved with him, I admit I can get a bit uncomfortable (well, more confused on the who’s who) when he discusses his escapades with me.

But, I’ve really got to hand it to him, he seems to have a lot of love and respect for all of them. Well, I wouldn’t say love so much as appreciation. He’s not really in the business of “slaying biddies”. So, yeah, props to him.

coffinvarnish:

The Tattoo Artist

Norman Rockwell

1944

Texts with the Southern Gentleman:

Me: I have that George Michael song stuck in my head and I can’t get it out for the life for me.

SG: Which one?

Me: Um. The one that goes do da do do, do da do do, do da do do do, do do do do do do do doooo.

SG: It’s really sad that I know exactly what you’re talking about.