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OH SO WAS NOBODY GOING TO TELL ME THAT HER HAD A SECRET POLY PLOTLINE THAT WAS JUST WAITING TO DESTROY ME?

No, I’m not even gonna get all “thar be spoilers.”

I just. Ugh. I can’t.

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Sometimes, I just get really doubtful about this whole polyamory thing working out for me. Sure, I know it’s a natural inclination I have. It may trace back to a problem that I even had as a child where I wanted to love everyone and, in return, I wanted everyone to love me. Not necessarily romantically. But, there are moments where I feel like I am getting nothing from it or where I just get all wrapped up in issues that I can’t even see the good about it sometimes. 

Part of it is that I have no primary and I sometimes feel a bit strained and challenged by the presence of other people’s primaries. It’s not really a jealousy thing. It’s partially that I get intimidated and partially that I see, constantly, how boundaries aren’t actually as defined as people imagine them to be. 

SG got back with his girlfriend. Apparently, they’re monogamous save for messing around with me. I don’t know what that means. He said “we’ll talk about it” later. Frankly, the whole idea of that just gives me a stomachache. I don’t like the fact that my involvement with him is deeply dependent on her involvement with him. I know, I know, primaries, terms, etc. I don’t know what I want, but, for some reason, I’m vaguely upset by this whole turnover. I don’t think she’s right for him, I don’t like the position this all puts me in, all that jazz.

My relationship with her, as far as I am concerned, has returned to purely the friend level. There were a few glaring issues, but one was simply her expectation that I be available for her when she needed consolation without the necessity of reciprocity. When I reached out to her while I was having a hard time, she instead decided to go out – alone – to our frat to find some people to party with. She apologized, but really showed no signs of even vaguely changing.

Remember my whole thing about the Giving Tree complex I have? I felt it hardcore. I’ve recently started seeing someone to talk out a lot of these feelings and sort through my lifestyle and he pointed out the same exact thing: I just give a lot of myself and I am terrified that I will somehow inconvenience and upset the other person by demanding reciprocity and articulating my needs. 

For as assertive I am, I seem to have a hard time articulating my expectations. Or, for that matter, even knowing what they are. 

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Her (yes, I’m aware, I need to finish my little tell-all about a certain spanking from her) response to my costume as we walked up to my room to grab my phone and keys:

“You look hot, just avoid try going upstairs or bending over. And I’d suggest wearing something a little more substantial than that thong.”

I’d originally planned on going as something entirely different. I was getting dressed in my room with a friend who was headed off on a date of sorts and wanted my opinion. As we were dolling her up, she looked me over and said, “wait, now, what are you supposed to be?”

“I guess I’m like going on a safari or something,” I shrugged.

She laughed, “you look like a teacher. Wait a second.” She fished through my desk and handed me a ruler before saying, “and nobody goes on a safari in heels. Go change out of those shorts. Do you have a miniskirt?”

I can’t say I was ever huge on the whole “sexy teacher” fascination. But, when I wound up having crazy fun smacking my giggling friends on the ass with a ruler, I made an exception. 

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I felt her pull my jeans down.

Her palm was on my ass quickly, smacking it with rough, rapid hits. “What the hell are these?” she asked as she tugged on my panties. They were white, cotton, something of a bikini cut. 

“I’m sorry,” I managed to gasp out as she hit my ass a few more times, “I didn’t know this would happen.”

“These are completely unacceptable.” She was hitting even harder, “did you think I would like this?” She managed to contain a chuckle, trying to keep up the fearsome role she had taken on.

“I didn’t know!” I cried out and tugged on the scarf that held my wrists together and to the headboard. My head was starting to swim. After two months abroad, it had been a while since someone had done this to me. I was sinking into that space already. My thoughts were getting a lot simpler, my voice had a new quality to it.

She smiled and reached around on the floor for a minute before coming up with something I couldn’t see from my position. “I like lace,” she said calmly as she started to slice my panties off of me with the scissors she had just gotten, “but I don’t like thongs.”

I moaned as she pulled them off and the air touched my cunt, its wetness betraying my pouts as I said, “I have lace panties.” Another moan came as she traced a finger down my slit before going to pull my jeans back up. “What are you…?”

“Maybe if you’d have worn them, I’d keep going,” she chuckled as I groaned in protest.

I realized I was probably going to have to beg.

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According to a friend: I knew you and her had something going on. You’ve got this little smirk thing you two do.

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I was supposed to have a sexy night with her tonight.

But, some stresses in her other relationship, the one with her boyfriend, kept her feeling less than sexy. I realized that there were really two choices that I had about the evening. I could just go do my own thing or I could go over there and see if I could help. I was aware that, basically, the difference in these choices was that one indicated that we were on purely sexual level at this point or if there was something deeper.

At the very least, she’s one of my very close friends. A bit deeper, I don’t know, I think there’s something.

I went over to her room. I held her in bed, played with her hair, let her talk it out. I listened. We ate cookies. It felt nice to care for her and take on that sort of role. It was something people on a purely sexual level don’t do, I’m fairly sure. She called me sweetie.

Sweetie.

I am finally testing the waters of polyamory this year after a long time of really wanting to scratch the surface but being afraid and just not knowing what I wanted. And I’m really starting to get what it means now, what it implies. 

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We were on her bed, kissing and giggling.

I was on top. My hands were wandering to her breasts, sometimes my face was wandering there, too. She has these amazingly full breasts, especially for being an athlete. They kind of come as a surprise considering the rest of her body. I’m not complaining at all.

I leaned up and smacked her. As mentioned earlier on my tumblr, I’ve been experimenting a little bit with my faint switchy urges. She just laughed, “that’s not how you slap someone.”

She rolled back on top of me, pinning me down with her legs and smacking me with a chuckle. She pushed my shirt down and leaned down to lick and suck my nipples. She bites a little. Gently. Playfully. The mood’s light.

She reached around until she found one of her scarves, rolling me onto her stomach and whispering, “now let me show you how to spank someone.” She gathered my wrists up and tied them to her headboard. 

“When was the last time you were spanked?” she asked as she ran her nails over the back pockets of my jeans.

My head is already buzzing. I can’t think straight. “I can’t remember.”

“Well,” she reached around me, unbuttoning my jeans, “that’s not a very good sign, now is it? We’re going to have to fix that.”

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I hate the expression “we were goofing around and then we started hooking up”. I think it’s stupid. I don’t get how it works. I can’t imagine that you just sort of fall on someone and start making out with them.

But, um, that’s exactly what happened last night.

I was over at her room. I know, I know, I know. I said I wasn’t going to do anything with her. (Forgive me, tumblr, for I have sinned.) But she had clearly defined the lines of non-monogamy with her guy and they had both explored some other stuff with no negative repercussions. This changed the climate immensely.

Anyway, we were kind of goofing around on her bed. I know this was baiting it, but I was lying there and thrusting and faking sex noises when she told me that she was concerned about her neighbors being able to hear her through the wall. She climbed on top of me to shut me up. I rolled over back on top of her. We kind of started making out. You know how it works.

We keep this up for a while. Kissing, touching, giggling. It’s light and sweet and fun. 

So how did this wind up in probably one of the most intense spankings I’ve gotten in a while?

I’ll get to that, I promise.

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I’ve been learning to say no. 

I know this is the worst thing for someone with a sex tumblr to say. You guys probably don’t want to hear me saying no to stuff. Well, you don’t want to have to read about me turning away from potentially fun decisions. 

I have a friend. A very good-looking friend. A very good-looking friend who I have, in the past, had some serious fun with. And we were planning to pick some stuff up and have a little fun. But, she’s in a relationship with someone and, despite the fact that they are trying to do polyamory, I’m not entirely sure they know exactly what they’re doing. I don’t want feelings to get hurt and I don’t want to ruin our friendship and drag down her relationship with it.

Because, above all, she’s one of my great friends. I would absolutely hate to lose her. And, while the fun we’ve had was pretty great, I need to get some priorities straight. I think I’ve made the right decision here. And, yeah, it stinks a little, but I have a feeling I’ll be glad I did this in the long-run.