The Southern Gentleman asked to see my porn last night. No, not a porn I’ve been in (there are none). Rather, my porn collection. He wanted to see a video from the stash of things I watch.
I don’t watch a ton of videos, but I have a few gems I go to. The issue is he wanted to see “my favorite”. I don’t have a favorite, but the one that instantly popped into my mind presented a few problems. It was very kinky. It included James Deen, so it was kind of male-focused as well. Despite his proclivities, SG doesn’t watch a lot of kinky stuff (according to him). He also tends to focus on stuff that is really female-focused.
Not to mention I was uncomfortable. Sharing your porn is like sharing a piece of yourself. It’s a reflection of your taste and your libido. I was worried he’d be weirded out by it. But, he coaxed me into it. I was coaxed, not coerced. I mentioned that I was actually experiencing anxiety over him liking it. I’m rarely that insecure about my sexuality with him. To which he replied, “calm down, I’m sure I’ll like it.”
I was also juggling some feelings of ambivalence after his recent breakup. Sure, they had been poly and that wasn’t their undoing, but I wasn’t sure how to maneuver the waters after the entire thing. I didn’t just want to swoop in, but I wanted to show support. So, this was the first time we’d been vaguely sexual beyond kidding around after the entire thing.
We started the video. I was blushing at first and we were awkwardly making jokes about it, constantly sort of checking in to make sure the other was actually enjoying this as well. We then sort of switched into a sort of director’s cut mode, making more definitive commentary about the way James Deen was acting. He was impressed with the guy. Impressed.
And then he suddenly got serious.
“Ivy, I want to humiliate you like this,” he said, “I want to abuse you so casually.”
He got it. He got the dynamic right on the head.
Then came the flood of filth, the dirty-talking, the threats, the promises. The “do you own any rope?”, my “nope”, the “oh, I will”. He was inspired. Damn you, Cosmo, for being right. It is helpful to watch porn with a guy. It’s like when Caesar visited the statue of Alexander the Great. If you weren’t already ambitious, you are now.
He used the word “invoke” at one point. Please don’t tell me that’s not hot. Please.
When it ended, there was a sort of awkward pause. We kind of laughed about it. I wasn’t sure what to say.
“Now what?” he asked.
I shrugged, “I don’t know.”
“You want to watch another?”