Sometimes, I just get really doubtful about this whole polyamory thing working out for me. Sure, I know it’s a natural inclination I have. It may trace back to a problem that I even had as a child where I wanted to love everyone and, in return, I wanted everyone to love me. Not necessarily romantically. But, there are moments where I feel like I am getting nothing from it or where I just get all wrapped up in issues that I can’t even see the good about it sometimes. 

Part of it is that I have no primary and I sometimes feel a bit strained and challenged by the presence of other people’s primaries. It’s not really a jealousy thing. It’s partially that I get intimidated and partially that I see, constantly, how boundaries aren’t actually as defined as people imagine them to be. 

SG got back with his girlfriend. Apparently, they’re monogamous save for messing around with me. I don’t know what that means. He said “we’ll talk about it” later. Frankly, the whole idea of that just gives me a stomachache. I don’t like the fact that my involvement with him is deeply dependent on her involvement with him. I know, I know, primaries, terms, etc. I don’t know what I want, but, for some reason, I’m vaguely upset by this whole turnover. I don’t think she’s right for him, I don’t like the position this all puts me in, all that jazz.

My relationship with her, as far as I am concerned, has returned to purely the friend level. There were a few glaring issues, but one was simply her expectation that I be available for her when she needed consolation without the necessity of reciprocity. When I reached out to her while I was having a hard time, she instead decided to go out – alone – to our frat to find some people to party with. She apologized, but really showed no signs of even vaguely changing.

Remember my whole thing about the Giving Tree complex I have? I felt it hardcore. I’ve recently started seeing someone to talk out a lot of these feelings and sort through my lifestyle and he pointed out the same exact thing: I just give a lot of myself and I am terrified that I will somehow inconvenience and upset the other person by demanding reciprocity and articulating my needs. 

For as assertive I am, I seem to have a hard time articulating my expectations. Or, for that matter, even knowing what they are.