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I’ve been putting off making this post because I always hate writing about the tough stuff.

Back in October and early November, Sir and I were having a little trouble. He was in the awkward position of being about to move but wanting to explore kink/poly stuff. And though I encouraged him, he kept snagging on the fact that he would be gone in a few months. To top things off, his other main partner had moved away.

As a result, there was a little bit of understandable bitterness. But, I ended up feeling awkward and evasive, like the problem wasn’t Sir’s own frustration with his situation but that I had somehow wronged him by being with other people. I felt guilty, and more than that, worried that he would become resentful from me and that this would ruin our relationship.

Instead of articulating this to him, I just started walking on eggshells and avoiding talking about poly. I hid behind excuses and tried to deflect away from the things I was doing for fear of upsetting him. I didn’t want to lose what I had, and so I just pretended I didn’t have it.

The tension came to a head the night when he was complaining to me about the dilemma of starting to like someone but feeling like everything was coming to an end too soon, and was therefore useless. Feeling guilty and anxious, I lied, said I was going to sleep, and went to Pup’s place instead to mess around. Instantly, I felt awful and, on my way home, called Sir to tell him what I had done and that I had been avoiding him because of my fear of having to choose between his happiness/security and non-monogamy.

“Okay,” Sir said. “Okay, we need to talk about this.”

And, finally, we did.

In which the patriarchy probably influences my sexuality quite a bit, maybe.

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I kink on possessiveness. Sir and I identify within the owner/owned paradigm. And, otherwise, I like the idea of someone feeling protective over me not just because they want to keep me safe, but because they feel like they have some sort of authority over me. 

We were out last night – some people from my kink community (YES I AM TELLING MY LIFE OUT OF ORDER WHATEVER I HAVE AUTHORITY OVER THIS NARRATIVE I AM THE GOD OF THIS BLOG) and Pup and I – at karaoke. I had just sang and was feeling kind of silly so I went to the bar for another drink. 

As I was waiting to order, this guy came up next to me and we engaged in the following:

Guy: Nice bag.

Me: Oh, thanks.

Guy: I’ve got the same one.

Me: Did you forget it at home?

Guy: You were very cute up there.

Me: Well, thanks.

Pup came over and stood beside me. He leaned against the bar and started playing with my hair. The guy kind of muttered an apology and walked away from the bar.

“Way to cockblock me,” I joked when we walked back towards our friends.

“Well, yeah, I’ve got you tonight,” he said. “Go find him and give him your number.”

I blushed and shook my head. “It’s okay,” I replied. “I kind of like it when you get a little jealous and possessive.”

Which was totally hot until this morning, when we talked about it again, and he started smacking my stomach with his flaccid penis and going, “dibs, dibs, dibs.”

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This morning, I wrote an unprecedented three pages of my Master’s thesis and fucked Pup. Both of these pursuits were awesome.

Now, I’m eating mac and cheese naked in bed. Wednesdays are my days “off” but I have so much crap to get done.

Doesn’t matter, had sex.

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Me: Isn’t this gif cute?
Pup: There are a very particular set of people who find that image cute.

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A good way to not address the fact that I am posting a really blushy and humiliating photo to be the bravest girl ever is to tell a funny story:

I showed Sir this picture yesterday and he was like, “mmm is that Pup’s hand?”

And I’m like, “no sillyhead it’s yours.”

So let’s establish that when I send my boyfriend a random picture of HIS OWN HAND and my butthole, he recognizes my butthole.

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Disclaimer: The acts I depict here were consensual. I trusted the person I did this with, we had negotiated safewords and limits, and I could have stopped what was happening at any time. When there was doubt as to whether I would be capable of that, Pup checked in with me and made sure I didn’t want to stop. The reason I did not was because despite the duress and the tears, I genuinely enjoy this treatment, and these factors are honest contributors to my enjoyment of a scene like this.

I think it started because Pup was jokingly trying to smother me a little with one of his sheets after I’d asked him to play. “No,” I huffed, trying to bat it away, “no, stop that. I mean seriously play." 

Pup set the sheet down. He eased a flat hand under me like a spatula and flipped me over onto my stomach so I was facedown on the sheet. As he tried to wrap me up in the sheet, I started struggling. It was grey, maybe microfiber and very soft to the touch – and the sight of it today makes me shudder a little.

"Stop it!” I whined as I squirmed around. The result was that the sheet wasn’t quite a neat wrap but a series of disjointed drapes over my body. “That’s not…”

Pup gathered my wrists together in front of me under the sheet and started to tie them with rope on the outside. I ended up starting at a grey nub in front of me as he moved down to tie my legs. “This looks stupid.”

“Well, good,” Pup replied and pulled some excess over my head, blocking my face. I could still breathe through it, but I had to be a little deliberate about it. He’d wound the rope back up my body and was carefully securing a loop around my neck, making sure I could still breathe. I squirmed around and groaned. “You all right?” He asked, “still ‘green?’”

“Yeah,” I pouted. “It’s just…I want to look pretty when you tie me up.”

I heard him laughing and gasped a bit when he picked me up off the bed. He set me down on the floor and I felt myself being rolled underneath. Remembering how I’d told him that being ‘put away for later’ was a fantasy of mine, I cursed myself for being so honest. “No!” I whined, “come on.”

“Shh.” I could hear barely-restrained laughter in his voice. “Be good and maybe I’ll take you back out later. I’ve got other things to do.”

I doubled my efforts at trying to get out, wriggling around on his floor. But when I felt his riding crop collide with my ass through the sheet, I stiffened at attention. I realized I probably wasn’t totally under the bed, maybe beside it, which made me weirdly feel a little safer. “I don’t want to hear you,” he said. “I don’t want to hear you moving or whining. Are we clear?”

“But I…” He hit me again and I pouted, curling up on the floor and trying to focus on my breathing. However, after what seemed like entirely too long but was probably a few minutes, I got a little restless. I wasn’t far enough that I felt the need the safeword, and I knew trying to get his attention would probably get me punished, so I waited a bit longer. Suddenly, I felt the riding crop land on my thigh. 

“If you can take a beating and be quiet, I’ll let you out and you can suck my cock as a reward. Otherwise, I’m going to leave you here a bit longer and we’ll try again in a little while.” He gave a tentative tap to the back of my thigh.

“How long is the beating?”

“However long I want it to be,” he replied.

I groaned. “That’s so unfair,” I struggled, trying to roll over onto my back. “Come on, I want to.." 

Pup pushed some of the material that had gotten shaken loose aside with the tip of the crop, exposing one of my breasts. I felt him sit down beside me. He grabbed my breast, flicking the nipple with his thumb. "This is what I like, a little disembodied tit to play with where I don’t have to deal with the little whiney brat it’s attached to.” He rubbed the nipple between his fingers and I moaned softly. “I don’t care about what you want right now, is that clear?”

He got up and started to beat me with the crop, but a few hits in I was squirming and whining. “Nope,” he nudged me with his foot. “I’ll try again later and maybe you’ll work extra hard to be quiet and hold still.”

A few minutes later, he tried again. I failed. Again, and I failed. Once more, and I failed. I was getting increasingly frustrated, not to mention embarrassingly aroused by the whole ordeal, and I was starting to slip into subspace. When he tried once more and I failed on what he’d called the final hit, I pressed my forehead to the floor and started crying. After he’d checked in about safe words and made sure I was okay, he snapped back into the scene and sat down on his bed.

“Shut up.” He laid the crop against my sheet-covered cheek, but didn’t hit it. “No crying. I don’t want to hear it.”

I tried hard to keep still, attempted to cry quietly. Every so often a choked sob would come through and Pup would beat me for a minute until I’d managed to quiet myself, which is an incredibly difficult feat in the midst of being hit with a riding crop. “Toys don’t cry,” he’d said at one point. “Shut up.”

Finally, he gave me an out. “If you’re a very good girl,” he said, “and you take ten hits while holding perfectly still and being very quiet, I’ll let you out to suck my cock.” Somehow, after the whole ordeal, I managed to succeed. I was absurdly proud of myself, and when he untied me and took me out of the sheet, I made such an eager beeline for his cock that I shocked myself.

Usually, I would have ragged on him and been a brat, insisting that he didn’t deserve a blowjob after what he’d done to me. But, I was really deep in subspace, and I found myself giving my all to pleasure him. Pup, perhaps noticing this as well, started laughing. “Aw,” he patted my cheek. “Look at you. Somebody really doesn’t want to go back into the sheet, does she?” At the mention of it, I doubled my efforts.

When he pulled me off of him, I was so convinced he was going to ‘put me away’ again that I whined and tried to get his cock back in my mouth. A little surprised, Pup pulled me into his chest. “Shh, somebody’s pretty gone, isn’t she?” He stroked my hair, “come on, let’s get you back down.”

“No, I just…” I realized he was making the right choice to end the scene, but the totally subspaced part of my brain wanted him to push me deeper. It was the first time I’d felt genuinely submissive to him, not just for the sake of a scene, and he made the right choice deciding to give me some aftercare before things got weird or too intense.

“Nope, you’re too deep.” He gave me some water and kissed my forehead. “Come on, let’s get you out of this.” I conceded and sat in his lap, running my finger over the rope marks that were still on my skin despite the sheet blocking them. 

When he tried to tuck me in, he picked up the sheet and I recoiled from him. Later, we’d both have a pretty good laugh about that (to this day if he tries to wrap me up in it or put it on the bed when we sleep I bat it away), but he quickly covered me up with another blanket and reassured me that we were done with that for today. 

I fell asleep curled against him, still a little subspaced but in a comfortable enough headspace that I could sleep. He wouldn’t bring me that deep again until mid-December, but that’s a story for another day.

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I’ve seen a couple of people I’m friends with lately posting on FetLife looking for people to gangbang them (tis the season?) and I’ve been so tempted to ask around myself. Except I am entirely too shy to be like, “beloved penises in my life, please come and overwhelm me.”

But, I would really want Sir to be present for it so I felt safe and because he’d be in charge of me in a really hot way in that context. For now, unfortunately, it’ll just be relegated to fantasy.

A week or two ago I was talking to Pup about it and he was like, “well, okay, go find three other dicks. Right? You want like four people?”

I hid my face in my hands. “Maybe a little more?”

“Like seven?”

I rolled over and buried my face in my pillow. “Like ten, twenty.”

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The night before Halloween, Pup and I awkwardly scheduled me going over to his place to fuck him. The afternoon leading up to it, I was stupidly nervous. I felt like I was losing my virginity all over again – having sex with a non-primary partner without my primary partner being present. I was worried that somehow both relationships would be weirdly affected and was swilling around a thousand stupid anxieties while I got dressed and did my hair.

“Wish you could hold my hand while he fucks me,” I texted Sir, which was only half true. Part of me really wanted to go this alone. Call it an opportunity to grow and whatnot.

I ended up texting Heart while I did my makeup, going through lingerie options with her and getting playfully badgered about how late I was running. We came up with the idea of just wearing my black lace onesie, a pair of black thigh highs and a pair of black heels with just my coat on top, which ended up proving to be only semi-adequate in keeping me warm as I walked to Pup’s place.

He ended up not getting my text that I was coming over, and when I arrived he was in the middle of trying on his Halloween costume. So, yeah, I show up with my hair looking cute and in a long coat and a sexy pair of heels and then Pup is standing there in a costume. Because I cannot begin to describe to you guys that for however much you all insist my sex life is hot, it’s usually 500% awkward.

When we got to his bedroom, he gently pushed me down onto his bed and unzipped my coat. “Look at you,” he murmured against my clavicle. At that point, I was just a person-shaped cluster of butterflies and raw nerves.

That said, there isn’t much to say about the sex. That’s the thing about sex. We build up a lot around it, puff it up like cotton candy, and when you actually get down to it the real substance is just as gossamer. It was fun and good, but it didn’t change much of anything. It wasn’t revelatory. It didn’t break down my relationship with Sir. It didn’t suddenly bump up my relationship with Pup. 

Except, afterwards, we ended up doing a really intense scene. Maybe I’ll tell you about that. It’s one of the darker thoughts I linger on when I’m in a certain mood.

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In late October, I called up Sir and asked him if I could have sex with Pup. We’d had a few difficult conversations about it, and I was a little nervous to be sleeping with somebody who wasn’t him without him around. Previously, in our non-monogamous arrangement, the sex I’d had with other partners was right in front of him. This was going to be different and strange and maybe awesome but definitely a big leap of faith on both of our parts into a new area of our poly.

We had a lot of talks that made me feel like I was running into a wall, then ones that felt like progress but quickly petered off into difficulty. I often felt guilty asking for this when Sir and I had our own issues to deal with regarding his move and how that would affect our relationship. He was dealing with his own associated problems with the move independent of our relationship, and so I felt impossibly greedy asking to take this step.

But, when the conversation of “hey, can I do this with Pup on this very specific date?” came up, Sir was surprisingly receptive. Maybe it was the fact that he had started to express an interest in getting more physical with some of his partners – we often are most lenient with each other when we’re both having our needs met – or maybe I had managed to successfully convince him that I was sure that this was what I wanted.

“Are you asking me for permission to fuck that boy, sweetheart?” He asked me on the phone. He was using that tone of voice he uses when he plays Daddy. 

I blushed and even though he wasn’t in front of me, I looked at my feet. “Uh huh.”

“Are you going to use a condom?” He asked.

“Uh huh.”

“Well, you’d better be a good girl and show him that I taught you well,” he said. “You’d better be a good little fuck.”