feelings – Page 10

I’m going to interrupt my sexy story about Switch to talk about my feelings. Feel free to skip this one. But, it’s my blog and I have a lot of feelings lately and they’re pretty hard to express to my friends, who don’t really get polyamory for the most part.

I told my therapist about what happened with SG. I told him that what Elle did was really hurtful, but what was even more hurtful is how he treated the whole thing. He said he understood why I was hurt, but has done nothing really substantial to try to repair that. Instead, he’s acting like it didn’t happen. He called me to discuss the Mad Men season finale, he bought my favorite book to read and told me about it, he sends me random articles. I’ve gotten so disgusted by it that I’ve stopped answering his texts.

“I think you’re stuck between wanting to seem like you don’t expect anything and actually expecting something from someone who means a lot to you,” my therapist says, “it all goes back to you not wanting to inconvenience anyone with your feelings.”

I started crying. “I just want somebody to care about me and to respect me and, god, this is going to sound so cliché but I just want to be loved.” I felt pathetic. I hated being this basic and sad. I felt like a typical romcom whiner. “I just want him to give me the apology I deserve and really feel genuine remorse about it.”

It snowballed into me cleaning out my room, finding an old letter from an ex who I’m still friends with and treats me with more respect than freaking SG does, collapsing into sob songs like this winner and this champ, and then destroying his imagined face during kickboxing. So, yeah, not my brightest moments.

I’m still stuck on just what my therapist was saying. With how assertive I am in other things, I’m shocked in how easily I let the people I care about trample all over me.

“It’s like,” she had said, “you’re not drawing the line between sexually submitting to them and appeasing them everywhere else. And you shouldn’t be doing the first for someone who is going to let you do the second.”

Sigh.

ughs:

I am trying hard to not get attached.

When I was driving home from the gym, this song came on the radio. SG had sent it to me a month or so after it came out. That enough sort of stung, but then:

“Well, I know that I’m not all that you got. I guess that I, I just thought, you and me would find new ways to fall apart.”

Elle once told me radios were psychic like that. Once, when she and I were fighting in her car, our song came on the radio and she patted the dashboard with a chuckle.

It all sort of felt like a cruel joke.

But it was really those words that got to me. I had never been too upset about his girlfriend beyond the occasional hiccup, never cared about his other hookups at all. This one made me feel gutted. I thought of them, briefly, together, and I actually felt nauseous.

And so I started screaming in traffic. Windows up, of course.

I’m heading out in a bit to a friend’s 21st birthday. Hopefully it will take my mind off of everything. Odds are, I’ll probably need someone carrying me home tonight. Whatever.

Ivy out.

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)

“The stage is set
Someone’s going to do something someone else will regret
I speak in smoke signals and you answer in code
The fuse will have to run out sometime
Something here will eventually have to explode
Have to explode.”

Ugh, I feel you, Heart.

I was just having a conversation today with someone very close to me about this. I have this horrible tendency to just bury my upset and disappointment with people and situations in other people. And lately I’ve been trying to tap into the resolve that I know I have and the strength that I completely underestimate and make positive, lasting change within myself.

I go out of my way to appease people that I love and I suppose part of that is so I’m reassured that I’ll never have to be alone. But, it seems like loneliness creeps up as a reflex, despite how many people I have around me, to handle real upset in a more immediate way. Somehow, feeling lonely and then quickly solving that by finding someone to come pick things up for me is nowhere near as effective as picking things up myself, but it’s so much easier.

Someone else I recently expressed this to told me that I was growing up. That’s a nice way to look at it. It makes me feel optimistic about the whole thing.

herdirtylittleheart:

I hate that I have so much love in my life but I feel so alone sometimes. There’s this little voice that says “You need someone to fix this, someone to scoop you up and make you feel all better.”

I’m trying to just sit with that voice instead of scrambling for my phone to find someone to take care of me. I’m trying to teach it that it’s my job to make me feel better. When I let everyone else do it it’s just superficial, and eventually these feelings just come roaring back. I have to learn to stand on my own two feet, without distractions and delegating.

It’s hard.

Image: iainclaridge.net

(via davidcliffordphoto)

Sometimes, things just feel a little more difficult. Feelings catch up with you. Sometimes, I feel like I’m not moving anywhere, if not just backwards. It just, I don’t know, stinks.

And it’s hard when most people in my life can’t relate or don’t understand. And I don’t want to have to sit there and say, “this feels bad because of this."

And it’s even harder when the people who do understand have some sort of stake in it. Or it’s just tempting to let other people fix the problem. Or overwrite the problem with other people.

Sigh. I don’t know, tumblr. I guess I just have a lot of feelings tonight.

Something personal, I suppose.

A bunch of you have expressed some concern about the Southern Gentleman and I, which is very sweet of you. First of all, I want to assure you that on a personal level we are totally fine. Go on my facebook page and there’s a bunch of silly crap flying around my wall (I think we call it a timeline now? I can’t keep up) between the two of us. Just last night my phone lights up before I go to sleep and I find a text from him saying, “I think I’m the Donaghy to your Lemon.” (Ugh, it’s true.)

The issues aren’t stuff that would completely rip everything to shreds. But I do feel like we need to step back and take a deep breath. Some of the circumstances are a little difficult. Not explosive fights difficult. Not even some sort of subtle something that starts to really hurt. But sticky stuff that you don’t really notice too much but then starts to bother you just a little bit. Stuff that just gets overcomplicated by being too physical.

So, thank you for your concern, but I can assure you things are fine.

theclotheshorse:

kathryn of kitsune-kun

Sometimes, it’s hard not to feel that way. For all the “fun in denial of society”, sometimes society catches up. Lately, I haven’t felt like that, but this picture is certainly evocative of a certain insecurity that creeps up a ton.

I haven’t mentioned a very significant past relationship of mine on here. Mostly because it feels very sacred to me and the circumstances under which everything went down frankly are still sore. The other day would have been a significant day for us, but we did not spend it together. While we claim we’re friends, there’s still a lot of hurt there and a lot of love.

So, naturally, it’s been basically haunting me lately. It’s coloring all the other trouble I’ve been having with my current “relationships” and making the whole notion of love/lust/emotion/etc seem arduous. So, I’m sorry if I’m being a bit of a downer. Bear with me.

<3,

Ivy