Ugh, I feel you, Heart.
I was just having a conversation today with someone very close to me about this. I have this horrible tendency to just bury my upset and disappointment with people and situations in other people. And lately I’ve been trying to tap into the resolve that I know I have and the strength that I completely underestimate and make positive, lasting change within myself.
I go out of my way to appease people that I love and I suppose part of that is so I’m reassured that I’ll never have to be alone. But, it seems like loneliness creeps up as a reflex, despite how many people I have around me, to handle real upset in a more immediate way. Somehow, feeling lonely and then quickly solving that by finding someone to come pick things up for me is nowhere near as effective as picking things up myself, but it’s so much easier.
Someone else I recently expressed this to told me that I was growing up. That’s a nice way to look at it. It makes me feel optimistic about the whole thing.
I hate that I have so much love in my life but I feel so alone sometimes. There’s this little voice that says “You need someone to fix this, someone to scoop you up and make you feel all better.”
I’m trying to just sit with that voice instead of scrambling for my phone to find someone to take care of me. I’m trying to teach it that it’s my job to make me feel better. When I let everyone else do it it’s just superficial, and eventually these feelings just come roaring back. I have to learn to stand on my own two feet, without distractions and delegating.
It’s hard.
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