omgomgomgomg
I can’t even think of anything cute to say because I want these so bad.
What Lizzy said.
omgomgomgomg
I can’t even think of anything cute to say because I want these so bad.
What Lizzy said.
Hey Heart,
Sir and I just got inspired and decided to take this one for your collection. It took us forever to figure out how to angle the webcam to actually get this, but I think we worked it out.
<3,
My heart swelled when I saw this for the first time. Thank you. <3
Ugh. I miss him.
In which I air the concerns that keep me from working on my thesis:
Craftsmate and I got in an argument yesterday. For, I don’t know, a number of reasons but it seems in many ways to derive from the problem at what we “want” and “look for” doesn’t always match up.
He is more of a sadist and I am more of a submissive. I can’t be his ideal masochist and he can’t be the ideal dominant figure that we sort of envision when we enter into the kooky stuff we like to do in and outside of the bedroom.
We run into this constant issue of just not quite meeting each other in the middle in terms of what we want. I’m a few degrees in one direction, he is a few degrees in another.
The other night things sort of got awkward when Craftsmate was cropping me. He would ideally prefer a submissive with a higher pain tolerance who is more of a masochist, so I was pretty proud of how much I was taking. But I started crying because it really hurt and my head got to this space where I accidentally called him “Daddy.” Twice.
But the issue is he finds me being “little” cute, just as long as he doesn’t have to be “Daddy.” And I didn’t realize how much I wanted that kind of figure until after he had finished I started freaking out and being like, “no, no, you have to hold me.” And so he did but not the exact nurturing way I wanted him to and so I felt myself actually get a little upset.
And it’s not that we can blame each other. We’re just looking for different things and while most of the time we’re pretty satisfied, there are little things like that which don’t quite tessellate together so smoothly.
Craftsmate wants a painslut masochist type willing to completely degrade themselves. I want someone a little more nurturing who can embarrass me a little but still makes me feel special.
And so I got a little upset when I saw on his tumblr that he had sent a flirty message to someone who fit that bill. It’s fine, I flirt with people, too, and we’re “allowed” to do that. But it hit this nerve where I was like this girl embodies everything he actually wants on the kinky side, even if she isn’t his “ideal” vanilla girlfriend. It was still massively intimidating.
Last night, we concluded we’re pretty much set on the vanilla aspects of our relationship and the chocolate is where the issues are coming in. Until we have time and are under less stress, we’re pushing the kinky back into the bedroom and staying a mostly vanilla couple.
So, ah, there’s my feelings.
And tonight that’s my thesis advisor.
Eesh. Guess that’s where my heart is.
Goodnight, tumblr.
Thank you guys for the advice you’ve been sending. I promise to get back to you soon, this week’s just a little crazy.
I should elaborate that Craftsmate and I are honestly mostly vanilla, go on vanilla dates, don’t wind up with his finger up my butt in public places, etc. We’ve got most of it sort of confined to the bedroom but we sort of want to expand out a little bit without going all naked on a leash. And so we’re sort of trying to negotiate what we want stuff to “look like.”
But, yes, thank you for your messages. They’re all very sweet and it’s wonderful to know I can totally take relationship advice from people on the Internet (look, Mom).
Now, ugh, to make myself sleep.
“My heart wants roots. My mind wants wings. I cannot bear their bickerings.”
– E. Y. Harburg
I told him how I had felt betrayed, that it had seemed that the two of them had gone behind my back, that I had wanted not to care as much as I did. I expressed that I had always feared being used and that I worried I meant nothing to him.
I felt pathetic and childish and far too vulnerable. It was why I had not gotten into it with him previously beyond our initial argument over it when I first found out.
However, he heard me out and then apologized. A lot. For being careless about how I might feel, for assuming I had known and wouldn’t mind, for snapping at me when I had confronted him, and for making me feel the way I did. He explained he wasn’t aware at the time of how rude Elle had been to me lately and how she had done this behind my back and he felt horribly for having put me through what I described to him on the phone.
I was shocked. I don’t know why, but sometimes I just don’t have enough faith in people. So, I was pleasantly surprised.
“I care about you a lot,” he reassured me near the end, “you mean a lot to me. And I’m really sorry.”
While it’s not enough to get me to jump back into bed with him right away, it was an extremely satisfying resolution. And it feels nice to not have to just sit around quietly resenting him and not expressing how I felt, something I know I need to work on in the future.
So, in total, Drunk Ivy initiated a pretty major success.
I haven’t mentioned a very significant past relationship of mine on here. Mostly because it feels very sacred to me and the circumstances under which everything went down frankly are still sore. The other day would have been a significant day for us, but we did not spend it together. While we claim we’re friends, there’s still a lot of hurt there and a lot of love.
So, naturally, it’s been basically haunting me lately. It’s coloring all the other trouble I’ve been having with my current “relationships” and making the whole notion of love/lust/emotion/etc seem arduous. So, I’m sorry if I’m being a bit of a downer. Bear with me.
<3,
Ivy
“Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold.” – Zelda Fitzgerald.