Valentine, Part Six
Guys, I wish I could tell you this story ended on a sexy note. I wish I could say that this super hot threesome had a super hot conclusion. And part of the reason I’ve held up on writing the conclusion is that it unfortunately did not end in fireworks.
No. It ended in me getting punched in the vulva.
Here’s the thing about threesomes: it’s multiple bodies in a space. Shit can happen. You can accidentally neglect a person, or you can find it awkward to figure out who to touch when. You can run out of space or bump heads or roll off the bed. Or you can end up with someone’s knuckles colliding with your pubis. Which really hurts, guys.
But I think it’s important I share this, because this is how sex is. Sex is not a always beautifully orchestrated dance, it’s sometimes a lot of weird grinding or some fumbling. There’s sometimes some weird casualties. You can enthusiastically consent and have all your safewords at the ready and stuff can still go wrong. Sex is sometimes clumsy and weird even if the person you’re with is suave and collected. Sex has all kinds of strange sounds and smells. Sometimes sex is just straight up hilarious.
Sometimes you end up laugh-crying into your partners’ shoulder while they laugh-console you and the other laugh-apologizes. Because you accidentally elbowed someone in the ribs or kneed them in the stomach or, you know, got cuntpunched.
Sex in movies is quick, effortless, serious. Sex in most porn isn’t all that different. And I think the main thing I’ve learned in my less-than-a-decade of being sexually active is that sex is this totally unpredictable encounter that can tip over into slapstick, into the specific hilarity of the human body. And I’m okay with that.
Though I’d like to keep the whole getting accidentally punched in the groin thing to a minimum.
