Month: June 2012

Gallery

I might make a few enemies here by knocking the whole thinspo concept, but I’d just like to weigh in on something I just noticed. Please don’t go harassing the tumblr this is from, especially not on my account. Really.

So, missswoonypants is back (huzzah), but on a new tumblr. (You all can find her here.) The reason she doesn’t have her old name is that it appears to have been taken by another blogger, from whom I have reblogged this image. Once again, do not harass the blogger to give up the name back to Swoony. And, please, please, do not harass the blogger about the content of their tumblr. (Trigger warning: Severely skinny people, encouragement to an appearance of near starvation, the blog itself in its description acknowledges that it is “unhealthy”.)

Now, I’ve got a pretty big problem with the nature of that tumblr, but I’ve got a problem with this image as well. For a pretty stupid reason. A rhinoceros isn’t a horse.

Hear me out here.

I’m about 5’1. Both of my parents are overweight. Maintaining a healthy weight was a huge struggle for me a while with a lot of yoyoing between being underweight and overweight. I was friends with a little of tall, skinny girls in middle school and high school. While I started out very skinny because of a childhood illness, I got curves fast once I became healthy and went through puberty and it scared me shitless.

I went between a lot of unhealthy habits. Emotional eating, starving myself, setting unrealistic goals for myself that didn’t even make sense. I would see my tall, skinny friends and then look at myself and not see the inherent value of my own body. My butt was too big and my legs were too short and I would go between trying so hard to just get bone skinny and getting so frustrated that I couldn’t be that I would just eat and think “fuck it, may as well embrace this crap”.

I’m at a healthy weight now and an ideal BMI. I’m at a great place fitness-wise. I kickbox, I run, I lift weights, I dance. I have jogged across a major bridge both ways. I was confident enough to put up a picture of my chest and arms on here. There are hiccups here and there where I sit around and think, gosh, I wish I was about five inches taller and had a smaller butt, etc etc. 

But the fact stands that you can’t turn a rhinoceros into a unicorn because, even at its best, a rhinoceros isn’t meant to be a unicorn. Its body is built for other purposes. The way it is made serves it perfectly. It couldn’t do rhinoceros things if it was a unicorn.

Not to mention, oh yeah, unicorns don’t exist. They’re fantastical creatures somebody dreamed up.

So, you know, I see my friends and see how their bodies serve them. And then I’ve seen myself outrun them, out-lift them, etc. I can see how my body serves me, when I respect it and use it for good and don’t expect it to suddenly grow another four inches and flatten out in some places.

I guess I’m just asking you all to be the best you that you can be. I’m sorry for the cheesy. I promise I’ll go back to the smut.

Since apparently SG will sleep with anything…

Chat

The thief: I sort of wish I could hug you, wrap you in a blanket and feed you pizza and cheap red wine.
Me: Ugh, you’re going to make me cry.
The thief: I’m really not sure I can cheer you up, unless i do the following: I hereby solemnly swear that I will never, ever, EVER hook up with SG behind your back.

Gallery

The party last night was a little bit awkward. I didn’t know many of the other people besides the hostess and soon found they were pretty flat company. So I had a bit to drink then politely excused myself after a few hours and found a text on my phone from my best friend from home about the events with Elle and SG, asking if I needed to talk.

She picked me up, got me a coffee to help me sober up a bit and instead we wound up driving around, yelling and laughing about everything we probably shouldn’t be talking about. She’s kinky like I am and has even less of a filter. It makes for some pretty interesting conversation. 

I told her about Switch and we had a good laugh over both exploring our dominant sides lately, she with her new boyfriend.

“I’m not going to lie to you, I’ve shaved his ass,” she told me, completely deadpan. I nearly spat out half of my coffee into my lap, I couldn’t stop laughing the rest of the ride.

For all the healing venting can accomplish, sometimes senseless laughter is the best medicine.

Video

When I was driving home from the gym, this song came on the radio. SG had sent it to me a month or so after it came out. That enough sort of stung, but then:

“Well, I know that I’m not all that you got. I guess that I, I just thought, you and me would find new ways to fall apart.”

Elle once told me radios were psychic like that. Once, when she and I were fighting in her car, our song came on the radio and she patted the dashboard with a chuckle.

It all sort of felt like a cruel joke.

But it was really those words that got to me. I had never been too upset about his girlfriend beyond the occasional hiccup, never cared about his other hookups at all. This one made me feel gutted. I thought of them, briefly, together, and I actually felt nauseous.

And so I started screaming in traffic. Windows up, of course. 

I’m heading out in a bit to a friend’s 21st birthday. Hopefully it will take my mind off of everything. Odds are, I’ll probably need someone carrying me home tonight. Whatever.

Ivy out.

(Source: https://www.youtube.com/)
Gallery

I just went to the gym to blow off some steam and came back to find my askbox blown up with messages. Thank you, followers, for caring and for reaching out to me about this SG snafu today. 

I guess I’m upset for two reasons. One, the more obvious, is that this “friend” did this to me for the reasons she did. Maybe I should clarify. She’s not simply my friend. It’s Elle, my ex-girlfriend. She was actually the person to introduce me to SG and had become super resentful of how close we are. "It annoys me so much that I’m the one who introduced you two,“ she said to me once.

They were never as close as he and I are. And, honestly, I put a lot of the good about her on this tumblr, but she had done and said some pretty fucked up things in our relationship. There were a lot of times she asked me to forgive her for things that could be chalked up to verbal/emotional abuse and I did, while she held grudges for things like SG and I having a genuine connection.

What can I say? I’m the fucking giving tree. I’m too accommodating sometimes. Oh, you took my leaves? That’s okay, you seem sorry about it, have my branches, too.

So, she went without telling me and then put a picture she took of him on her phone while there on Facebook. It’s such a nasty move. She sits around and says things like, "it’s funny that we were in a relationship because now I feel like our friendship is so deep” but it’s clear that she resents me. She’s not subtle about it.

And then, number two, that the Southern Gentleman went ahead and did this. She didn’t force him. Maybe he’s away from his girlfriend and most of his friends and working actually a little ways away from home, maybe he knew her first, but I still can’t believe he’d just go ahead and do that with her. 

“Do you understand why I’m hurt?” I asked him after he apologized earlier.

“I do,” he replied.

It still stings.

Gallery

Someone fairly close to me went ahead and hooked up with the Southern Gentleman. I know I don’t control him. I know he’s not mine. He hooks up a lot and that’s not my problem with the situation.

My problem is she has the money and the means to fly down to his home and visit him now that school is out and he’s home. And that, while I don’t want to get into the particulars on here, she is doing it to spite me. Which really, really hurts.

It only hurt more when I confronted him about it and, I admit, crossed a line. We’re not together, but it’s different when it comes to this girl. But, when I got judgmental, he snapped and told me it was “none of my damn business” and to not “pry if I was going to be critical”. 

He apologized and I apologized, but I’m still very upset. Because I want to have a thick skin about everything but then something like this makes me so fragile. For a lot of reasons, some of which I don’t feel prepared at all to face.

Gallery

whyexactly:

nextroom:

never before and now all the time. that scares me.

I know.

I want you to be a little bit afraid because,

When your body acts before your mind is ready,

That’s when you’re real.

So stop hiding and

Come meet the real you.

You might like her.

Gallery

A few times, I would just lay down like this and make Switch worship me. And read a book. Or check my email on my phone. 

He always kept at it with sincere dedication. For as good he was at dominating me and how much he enjoyed making me submit to him, we both sort of knew that this was his favorite place. 

Gallery

It’s funny how sometimes little elements of your dynamic bleed over into other things in fairly subtle ways. Take, for instance, the night Switch and I went out with a bunch of our friends to see a band. At one point, he and his friend went off to get another drink and, as he was leaving, he reached up a mussed my hair a bit. It was this barely noticeable thing, fairly benign. But it was this breaching of a very subtle line, this display of vague condescension that he knows I enjoy. It also had this teensy drop of the little girl dynamic that I’m fairly sure he doesn’t even know I’m into.

It came back again a few nights later, when I had a nightmare and apparently gasped and woke up with a start. When I told him what was wrong, he pulled me into him and stroked my hair and whispered, “eyes closed now, go back to sleep”. More of the little girl, more of the placing me down on a level slightly below him in a way I enjoy.

I don’t know. It’s just funny how these things start to manifest themselves. And how being sweet in a certain context can be just as domineering as being rough.

And, now, something completely different.

Standard

Driving in my hometown today, I noticed a badger coming off of the sidewalk. I had literally no time to get myself out of the way of this thing. 

Long story short: I swerved to avoid hitting a badger and still wound up hitting a badger.

Long story long: It was in front of my ex’s house. I haven’t mentioned him on my tumblr much specifically, but he’s the first person to have tied me up. There’s still a lot of hurt there. We really don’t talk, but we’re at a place where there’s no animosity. 

Long story longer: I sort of had a little bit of a panic attack over hitting this badger. I literally felt this thing under the wheel. I didn’t look back, but I am fairly sure I killed the badger. And, at that moment, I was fairly sure it was stuck in the wheel like those crazy hit-and-run victim cases you hear about.

And so I took my phone out and called him in a panic. He seemed kind of surprised to hear from me when I answered the phone and proceeded to start spewing nonsense about badgers and wheels and the tiny life that had perished under my car.

You have to understand, tumblr, I did animal rights advocacy for years. I swerved my car to try to avoid killing a badger. And now I was having a panic attack about it.

And so he came right outside and tried not to laugh too hard when I told him what was going on. He checked under my car for any badger remains, he made sure I was okay, he asked me how I was otherwise. It’s funny how he calmed me down, there were those vague remnants of how he used to act when he was dominating me. I’m not saying he was trying to dom me or get me back, just that the dynamic worked because, yeah, it worked. Tried and true.

“I have to admit,” he said, “when you called, I figured I was in trouble for something.” That had basically summed us up pretty well. I was the whistleblower, he was the troublemaker. 

I’m not sure why I’m posting about this. I guess I should say something cheesy about not forgetting the first person to dominate you, blah blah. But I guess also to say that there is so much of other people that you carry with you that you’ll always have some compassion for them.