I just used the phrase “you know how he is about buttholes” in reference to my boyfriend while talking to his secondary.
Goddammit if that isn’t the reason ethical non-monogamy exists, I can’t think of another.
Because who the hell else am I going to have this conversation with?
Let’s see how this goes.
Eek.
At one point, while we were in his car, he was on top of me and teasing his cock over my slit. I really wanted him and my resolve on being a good accountable partner was threatening to wane if we kept at it.
“Do you want me to fuck you?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I answered, “but we can’t.”
“I know. I didn’t ask if I could. I asked if you wanted me to.” He leaned down and kissed my neck.
I nodded, resting my hands up on his shoulders. “Yeah, I really want you to fuck me.”
“I want you to touch yourself later and think about this. I want you to think about me fucking you and I want you to tell me that you did,” he said. “I want you to think about how it’s going to feel when I fuck that little pussy of yours.”
So, um, I might have texted him last night about carrying that out. Maybe.
Last night, for the first time, I watched Sir experience the sort of feelings I’ve been going to in facing our ethical non-monogamy.
When it comes to Daddy, Sir never has a problem. I’m not sure if it’s just that Daddy is a girl or that Daddy and I have been friends for a while, but Sir has always been encouraging and unintimidated about my relationship with her.
But, last night, Sir expressed that he wished I hadn’t stayed out so late with him, even if I was only out until 12:30. When he followed up by saying he might feel safer for me if he met the guy I was seeing, he stopped himself and decided he wasn’t sure whether or not he would actually want to meet him. As we talked, I saw glimpses of the jealousy and fear I had been experiencing with him.
And, as awful as that sounds, it felt great.
Sir sees two other girls besides me, though I am his primary partner, his girlfriend, etc. While I know what I mean to him, it is always difficult to be one hundred percent secure in my place in our relationship. I’m sometimes worried he’ll decide someone is better or that I could be replaced. And now to be the one in this position where I watch my boyfriend trying to figure out the security of his place in our relationship while I just sit back and enjoy is some selfish fun. It’s nice to feel sexy and desired and not the one worrying back at home.
What’s more, I’m hoping this will make us both more empathetic to each other’s concerns. I’m learning that yeah, just like I wouldn’t replace Sir with this guy, Sir won’t replace me. And he’s hopefully learning that my fears are not irrational at all.
I’m sorry for ducking off the radar on-and-off these past few weeks. My life has been rather hectic. But allow me to make up for lost time by telling the events of this evening.
So, I went out on my third date with the guy I’ve been seeing. We met up for ice cream and the place’s freezers had broken, so we were allowed to choose from a few options that were still in tact and accessible before being ushered out.
We were walking around with our ice cream when we ran into two of my friends. Let me start by saying that I have always worried about this happening, and I felt my heart fall into the pit of my stomach when I heard my name being called. Thankfully, we weren’t holding hands or making out, so I said he was just a friend from college, we all talked for a little, and the situation panned out just fine.
Afterwards, we got into his car and resolved to mess around. Except, he’s got company and I’m visiting with family. So, we wind up pulling into the lot behind a school.
“This is so high school,” we joked. “This is absurd. We’re in our twenties and having to sneak around like this.”
I had to pee and dashed around behind the school to do it, making him keep watch. When I got back, we ended up in the back with the seats down and our clothing off. “I want you to lie down,” he said, putting some gentle pressure on my shoulder. “I want to eat your pussy.”
He bit the insides of my thighs. His stubble scratched against my pussy lips. I came holding one of his hands.
While I was sucking him off, he asked to fuck me. “I really want to,” I answered, “but I have to talk to my boyfriend about that sort of stuff first and I feel strange calling him out of the blue to ask that."
"Well, you can’t call him now?” He joked.
I curled up into him, laughing. “No, I can’t just give him a call about it.”
Instead, he ended up on top of me, teasing me with his cock. I was dripping wet, he was so hard he was practically throbbing. I liked the feeling of his weight on my body, the power of his large hands on my little wrists. I begged him to let me make him cum with my mouth, partially because I was worried I would just get carried away and let him fuck me. He smirked, making me beg to please him with my mouth while he rubbed his shaft over my pussy.
When he finally let me suck him off, I decided to be a little brat about the whole thing. I’d work him until he was moaning and then stop to pull back and grin at him. “You’re a bad girl, you know,” he murmured as he pushed my head down onto his cock, “you make me want to make you mine.”
At one point, he made me turn around so he could squeeze and slap my ass while he stroked his cock. It made me feel so objectified in an exciting way, and I blushed when he told me to tell him about one of the dirtiest, bravest things I’d ever done. I wound up picking the New Year’s Party, and he asked me the kinds of questions about it that made me blush and squirm.
Right after he finished in my mouth, a police car sped by and we clamored into the front seat. He drove naked while I tugged my dress on, stopping only when we had decided we hadn’t been caught to put the rest of our clothing back on.
One of my shoes had gone awol, so we had to pull over to search the car. As I scoured the back of the car, he pulled my dress up to the small of my back. “Just checking to make sure it’s still there,” he chuckled.
When I got home, I let Sir know how the evening went. “And I sucked his cock,” I explained, “are you okay with that?”
“Yeah, I’m okay with it,” Sir replied, “you better have given him good head.”
Somehow, even after a night with somebody else, he still manages to make me feel like I’m totally his.
So, the other day I met one of Sir’s partners on Skype. The two of them had recently been out with each other and I had gotten really anxious in the middle and broke down and called him up. I wasn’t proud of it, but I just get scared.
Basically, she meets a lot of the stuff that I really can’t for Sir. And so my head runs through all these crazy possibilities like, “oh my gosh he’s going to realize that she’s better at this and that and he’s going to be done with me.” I recognize I’ve got a serious fear of abandonment, which naturally goes just peachy with ethical non-monogamy.
But, when Sir and I sat down to talk, I wound up just getting really shy. I was a little embarrassed about having placed the call the other day while they were together and I’m just generally a kind of shy person. So, I kept hiding my face and getting nervous.
For the most part, I was a nervous, shy mess. But, we all kind of flirted a little and, gosh, I don’t know. I think I’d be down for doing something as the three of us. I just need to sort out some of my anxieties and remember that in the same way none of my partners will “replace” any other, the same holds true for Sir.
It’s kind of alarming that even in the face of the logic of my own non-monogamy, I can’t shake that feeling of inadequacy or precariousness in my primary relationship.
So, I went out on another date with this gent.
Once again, it went really, really well. To the point that he ended up giving me a spanking in his car and then held me afterwards.
So, yeah, tumblr. I don’t know. Maybe this is the start of something interesting.
It was supposed to rain yesterday and it didn’t. It felt like one of those April days where you get a brief respite from the rain and everything is green and lush and, for a brief moment, you start to remember what warm weather felt like.
I’ve got a busy day today, but I had a really, really good date last night. It’s the first time I kind of did ethical non-monogamy with the training wheels off (as in, without Sir or Daddy there) and felt it was successful (as opposed to the snoozer the other day.) I’m excited about the potential with this person, but I’m also just proud of myself for being brave and letting go of my anxieties about doing this stuff by myself.
The green return
I’ve got a date on Tuesday with a guy who was able to engage me in a long, intelligent text conversation about books. Good books. Actual books. Books written for freaking adults. And Golden Girls. And working out without sounding like a meathead. And he sweetly asked before sending me a picture of his abs because he didn’t want to impose.
Is it Tuesday yet?
(So happy I saved this gif in my drafts. Clearly wishful thinking pays off.)
When my date seemed totally unsalvageable, I made an excuse and ducked out. Within ten minutes of calling him, Sir picked me up.
We traded stories. I pffted and huffed that he had such a good time while I was stuck going out with a frumpy snoozer. He took me out for dessert and brought me home.
In bed, he tapped my collarbone and said, “this is my home base.”