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I think we all are, in our own ways, thieves. Of course, we all have different methods, different motivations, different spoils. Some of us are more overt than others. Some steal things we can line up on our mantles, others prefer taking more intangible things. We like to loot each other, to pull apart each others’ fabrics for found objects we can tuck away as if they are our own.

At the root of our nature is selfishness. We’re all wide eyes and outstretched arms and grasping fingers when you boil us down at a high enough temperature and strip off the plastic of basic interactions. We’re thieves, complete and total kleptomaniacs who take because to bring something into us makes it a part of us. We’re emotional hoarders who pile up people and moments in the cellars of whatever organ you attribute to attachment until we’ve cluttered it to fire-hazard potential. And there is no way of sorting it into piles and clearing it away because it’s become, at some very basic level, ours.

And so we steal each others’ hearts and we’re taken with each other and we become highwaymen on each others’ paths who wait for the sound of wheels. I’m not saying that we’re merciless or always harmful. I’m just saying that we’re thieves. And we take. Because that’s what thieves do.

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Unfortunately, my life isn’t this glamorous.

Take, for example, the fact that I can’t sleep.

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I absolutely love and absolutely hate walking around with little secrets under my clothes.

I’m referring here to crotchropes, buttplugs, writing on my skin, a mandated lack of panties with a skirt. 

I feel positively naked. I feel as if everybody knows and they’re all just humoring me while being faintly amused/disgusted with what I’m doing. I have fought tooth and nail with dominants who try to send me out with things under my clothes. The entire day I’m hyperaware of it. I suppose it accomplishes its purpose, I think about the person who put it there the whole time. I feel like I’m harboring some disgusting secret, ready to be discovered, possibly already found.

But part of me likes secrets. Part of me gets off on secrets. And so naturally part of me really enjoys having those secret things under my clothes in public. Part of me enjoys that swimming, anxious feeling of walking amongst the normalcy with feigned composure.

firsttimeuser:

photo by Edgar Zhukovsky

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I still haven’t given up on finding a latex dress. Just thought I’d let you all know I still dream big.

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The Holiday Party, Part 1

Saturday night, my good friend hosted a holiday party at her apartment down where she goes to school. Originally, I wasn’t going to go because of the issue of travel and the like, but my good friend, Septum – who I have mentioned a bit on here without naming her – decided she was down, too. So, the two of us left our respective universities to head down and party it up with my friend. Let’s call her Ren.

We got down a little earlier and helped Ren, her boyfriend, and her roommates set up. The DJ she’d hired looked a lot like Ryan Gosling. It was a little uncanny.

“Does anybody else live in this building?” I asked. It was a smaller complex.

Ren’s boyfriend nodded, “yeah, two of the nicest gay guys ever live upstairs. I invited them. Maybe you’ll see them later.”

Septum was already hard at work on mixing some drinks when the first guests came and was being a little more than liberal with the rum. I joined her, but tried to pace myself. It was going to be a long night, in the best way possible.

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Last night was nothing short of therapeutic. 

Stay classy, tumblr. 

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So, yeah, I have a crush on Allison Harvard. Partially because I love people unabashedly admitting to their own quirks (be they enjoying the sight of a good nosebleed or whatever else) and partially because she’s just plain gorgeous. I could handle less pictures of her where she’s infantilized, though.

And I want that dress. Please and thank you.

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I love when I see clothing on tumblr that resembles clothing I own. And I love when seeing things like this give me wicked ideas about those articles of clothing. 

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That guy from my frat. I still haven’t named him. I promise, I’ll get around to it. I just can’t figure it out.

Somehow, later on in the evening, he and I wound up separated from the rest of our friends, smoking a joint and talking. I simultaneously impress and scare myself sometimes when I consider how natural inhaling has gotten for me, especially since I don’t smoke tobacco. I have a lot of things about myself that leave that sort of impression. One of those things is my bravado, which it appears he’ll never see the bottom of.

I just have fun being a little mean to him. I made him wait outside of a crowded ladies room for me to stand in line for a stall then fix my hair and makeup just to get a dance with me. I tease mercilessly. It’s just bad.

So, I decided to be kind and gentle when we were alone. Because ever since I was a kid I’ve been told I intimidate the opposite sex for one reason or another. And, because I didn’t want to completely crack the poor boy’s ego to bits; he’s a nice guy.

Of course, I still bullied a bit. He has a long-distance girlfriend from back home and, when pressed about the terms of his relationship, he gets a little evasive. This is something called a red flag in my book. So, finally, I poked, “what’s going on with your lady then, Mr. Fidelity?”

“We’re trying,” he shrugged.

“Trying what?” I asked.

“Trying,” he sighed, “but she has a different definition of fidelity than I did.”

“And what’s that?” I pried.

After all the assumptions I’d made about him being the one making some poor little unknowing girlfriend cry and get into polyamory, he was the one who had been cheated on. I felt a little bad for all the mocking I’d done. Poor kid had his heart broken and was just trying to salvage something. How could I tease?

Our conversation jumped around a bit before I formally apologized a second time. It wasn’t my fault, he repeated. He brushed some ash from my joint off of my thigh. “I don’t know how to ash stuff,” I admitted, “I don’t know how to flick it right. I was really lame in high school. And boring.”

“You’re not lame anymore,” he smiled.

We went and grabbed some 3 am munchie-medicine-food afterwards. I think we’re going to be friends. For real.