There’s no feeling like waking up from a lovely evening to find snow on the ground. Now just to get my heater working.

I’m out for the night with some pretty awesome plans. Hopefully, it will be considerably better than the teensy fiasco earlier this week.

Oh, tumblr, I just can’t make myself sleep. I hate this feeling.

I mentioned a little while ago on this tumblr that I have a friend who wants to paint me.

We keep sort of arranging to get together and make it happen, but plans keep changing. To be honest, I’ve also been horribly nervous about the whole thing. We’ve sort of fluctuated on how much of me she’d paint, whether or not I’d be wearing clothes, etc.

She said we should start out small and, if I’m comfortable, she’d love to have me back. So, I think we’re just doing my face or something.

I’m not sure how I feel about being that closely scrutinized. It was sort of why nude appealed to me, if that makes any sense. I could sort of hide behind my nudity without getting into the minute details of, say, my face.

But apparently it’s happening – potentially – early next week.

I absolutely love and absolutely hate walking around with little secrets under my clothes.

I’m referring here to crotchropes, buttplugs, writing on my skin, a mandated lack of panties with a skirt.

I feel positively naked. I feel as if everybody knows and they’re all just humoring me while being faintly amused/disgusted with what I’m doing. I have fought tooth and nail with dominants who try to send me out with things under my clothes. The entire day I’m hyperaware of it. I suppose it accomplishes its purpose, I think about the person who put it there the whole time. I feel like I’m harboring some disgusting secret, ready to be discovered, possibly already found.

But part of me likes secrets. Part of me gets off on secrets. And so naturally part of me really enjoys having those secret things under my clothes in public. Part of me enjoys that swimming, anxious feeling of walking amongst the normalcy with feigned composure.

firsttimeuser:

photo by Edgar Zhukovsky

This is a picture of India Reynolds, my girlcrush, holding a bunny.

Times can be tough sometimes.

But as long as stuff like this exists, there’s good in the universe.

That is all.

Sexually, I’m an exhibitionist.

Personally, I’ve been told I’m extremely guarded. Some people use the romanticized mysterious. An ex, while fighting with me, once used the word “mean” to imply cold, aloof. Apparently, I’m horribly “mean”.

It may sound hilarious with how personal I get on here, but I typically don’t like people knowing my business. I’ll get embarrassed if people find out I’ve hooked up with someone, regardless how I feel about the person.

I don’t know what to say for myself, honestly. I suppose a lot of it stems from the fact that I usually have no idea who I am when I really get down to it. I have some minor identity issues. I’m never entirely sure who I am, what I want, where I’m going. And so I’m never fully sure how to present myself.

Tumblr helps, certainly. I have gotten wildly candid on here a few times. I think the fact is that I actually do want to share, but I’m uncomfortable about the sounding boards I’m given. I don’t want to come across as cold, aloof, mysterious… “mean”. But sometimes it just makes me comfortable.

Things I am stressed about today:

Last night, I accompanied my best friend out and may have allowed her to get a little wasted at a party. At one point in the evening, she pounced on me and tried to make out with me. I managed to wrestle her off, knowing she was totally not in the right state of mind, and she almost started crying because of some trouble with a guy she had been hooking up with. Awesome.
During the evening, I completely said the wrong thing to that guy from my frat and I am fairly sure I may have completely screwed things on even a friendship level there.
The evening ended in me, her, and her ex-boyfriend in a shouting match in the student center at three in the morning when she wanted to go home with him. He was absolutely awful to her and he got ultra-defensive when I asked her if she was going to be okay with this decision.
Today, I finally heard from her. She doesn’t remember last night, partially from being blackout drunk and partially because they had such violent sex her head knocked the headboard and she got a concussion.
When I told her what she did last night, not realizing she was just getting out of a hospital, she broke down crying and called herself the worst person on Earth.
I am now headed over to her room with cookies so we can sit around and bitch about men.

Seriously, tumblr, can I ever just catch a break?

What do you think is in the kink store for you in 2012? From the looks of it you’re building things with the Southern Gentlemen. I imagine he reads your tumblr so I wonder what mischievous things he has in store for you? Some of what you mention might be subtle hints that he’ll go off of. If I was you I’d be both thrilled and scared at that prospect.

In terms of 2012 generally, my gosh, I have no idea. I’d like to buy a ballgag. I’ve actually never worn one and I’d love to try.

As for the Southern Gentleman, he actually doesn’t read my tumblr. However, while I’m all for dropping hints and he’s all for taking them, the situation with his girlfriend sometimes makes things a bit complicated. While he is in an open relationship, I don’t like to put too much strain on it by constantly demanding his physical attention, especially since his girlfriend is completely vanilla. Sometimes, it’s a little hard. But we care about each other, I do believe, and we do try to make it work.

But, yeah, thrilled and scared tend to be the dominant emotions when he gets an idea.

<3, Ivy

I still haven’t given up on finding a latex dress. Just thought I’d let you all know I still dream big.

Ivy

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Month: January 2012