Does all better look like this, Dacry?
Month: November 2011
Thank you to all my followers who have reached out to me after the past few posts (the ones regarding my ex, the ones regarding my reciprocity problems, etc). It’s sometimes hard to be like “this is my tumblr so I can whine on it if I want to”. But, you’re all so encouraging.
And, don’t worry, this sassycool lady marks the return of sassycool Ivy.
I haven’t mentioned a very significant past relationship of mine on here. Mostly because it feels very sacred to me and the circumstances under which everything went down frankly are still sore. The other day would have been a significant day for us, but we did not spend it together. While we claim we’re friends, there’s still a lot of hurt there and a lot of love.
So, naturally, it’s been basically haunting me lately. It’s coloring all the other trouble I’ve been having with my current “relationships” and making the whole notion of love/lust/emotion/etc seem arduous. So, I’m sorry if I’m being a bit of a downer. Bear with me.
<3,
Ivy
Best priorities ever.
SG and I had our talk about the whole girlfriend debacle.
I told him, plain and simple, that I didn’t want any drama. No crying girlfriends, no misunderstandings, no discomfort. Or, at least, minimal discomfort. Also, I didn’t want my own interests to be completely swept under the carpet.
His reply was simple: “You weren’t even in question throughout this whole thing. We’re going to stay the same.”
I sure hope so.
But, for now, I’m relieved. I’m glad I spoke my mind and I’m glad to be able to express myself in terms of what I want.
In celebration – and due to prior plans – I went out with the girls. And it was grand.
Last night was nothing short of therapeutic.
Stay classy, tumblr.
Sometimes, I just get really doubtful about this whole polyamory thing working out for me. Sure, I know it’s a natural inclination I have. It may trace back to a problem that I even had as a child where I wanted to love everyone and, in return, I wanted everyone to love me. Not necessarily romantically. But, there are moments where I feel like I am getting nothing from it or where I just get all wrapped up in issues that I can’t even see the good about it sometimes.
Part of it is that I have no primary and I sometimes feel a bit strained and challenged by the presence of other people’s primaries. It’s not really a jealousy thing. It’s partially that I get intimidated and partially that I see, constantly, how boundaries aren’t actually as defined as people imagine them to be.
SG got back with his girlfriend. Apparently, they’re monogamous save for messing around with me. I don’t know what that means. He said “we’ll talk about it” later. Frankly, the whole idea of that just gives me a stomachache. I don’t like the fact that my involvement with him is deeply dependent on her involvement with him. I know, I know, primaries, terms, etc. I don’t know what I want, but, for some reason, I’m vaguely upset by this whole turnover. I don’t think she’s right for him, I don’t like the position this all puts me in, all that jazz.
My relationship with her, as far as I am concerned, has returned to purely the friend level. There were a few glaring issues, but one was simply her expectation that I be available for her when she needed consolation without the necessity of reciprocity. When I reached out to her while I was having a hard time, she instead decided to go out – alone – to our frat to find some people to party with. She apologized, but really showed no signs of even vaguely changing.
Remember my whole thing about the Giving Tree complex I have? I felt it hardcore. I’ve recently started seeing someone to talk out a lot of these feelings and sort through my lifestyle and he pointed out the same exact thing: I just give a lot of myself and I am terrified that I will somehow inconvenience and upset the other person by demanding reciprocity and articulating my needs.
For as assertive I am, I seem to have a hard time articulating my expectations. Or, for that matter, even knowing what they are.
I’ve decided to stop using marijuana to self-medicate. And, by that I mean, I’m not going to use “I’ve been so stressed” as justification for letting my friends smoke me out. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t smoke every day and I don’t mean to say I’m quitting pot. But, a vice is a vice is a vice, and I’d rather it’s a fun vice than a substitute for facing my stress head-on.
Beauty and the Long Bong.
